Notes to self: Globetrotting writer Gaby Doman on lists and listlessness

A list always helps everything. No matter how stressed or disheartened I get, nothing makes things seem more manageable than writing down a big list of things I can do, and then sorting it out into bite-sized chunks.

At the moment, all I can think about is my career. I get obsessions quite frequently and, at the moment, my obsession is with finding a way to work within the weight-lifting world, somehow. It’s an all-consuming obsession. I dream about weight lifting, I write about it, it governs my food choices and I spend two to three hours a day in the gym.

I don’t know why, but I thought it was going to be so easy to get what I wanted, career-wise. I thought I’d become a personal trainer, get an internship and then that would lead to a job and, in a few years, I’d become more specialised. I haven’t yet found out if I’ve qualified, but already things are proving a little trickier than I thought they would. I’m impatient for it all to fall into place, I guess.

A career change is like starting off back where you want to be at the beginning. If I think back to when I started out as a journalist, I was exactly the same as I am now starting out as a fitness professional. Back then, a horrifying ten years ago, I was extremely eager, determined and ambitious. Nobody was more ambitious than me, which is why I got the coolest internships in London. I was also highly irritating and rather shy. I wanted to learn everything and I’d do all the menial little jobs I was given to the best of my abilities, because I knew that would make me indispensable. I ended up getting paid a good daily rate as a freelancer but it took a while because I was quiet and didn’t like to overplay my talents. Everything took quite a few years to come to fruition.

I thought I’d learnt from all that and that, this time, I could go in with more confidence and show people what I’m capable of straight away. But losing my first gym internship in a week was a huge blow to my confidence. It’s hard to offer your services for free, be rejected and then still have confidence in your abilities. There have been a few other setbacks too.

For a second, I faltered, thinking ‘you’re not cut out for this’, but then I had a stirring, and realised I couldn’t do anything else when I have such a fire in my belly for this.

I’m just SO impatient. I want it right now and nothing is going according to my plan, which was basically: qualify, get job, live happily ever after.

So, I’m using my number one weapon when things get difficult; a list. That’s my whole plan for today, write a big list about how I’m going to be the best trainer and how I’m going to surprise everyone who doubted me. I’ve given myself the whole day to do this because, at the moment, I am just staring at a blank piece of paper and sucking on the end of my pen. It’s going to take some time, I think. Wouldn’t it be nice if someone just knocked on our doors and handed us our dream jobs? It would certainly save me a lot of paper.