Fun? I'll check my schedule ...

Is this something that your child might say? In today's fast-paced society, we scramble to involve our children in a range of activities. Lorraine Chandler asks four parents whether this trend has got out of control. Should we go back to just letting our kids play in the park?

As I ferry my children from French class to gym class then off to a birthday party, I start looking forward to bedtime (theirs, not mine) - a moment when I can finally relax.

Of course, I have no plans for the night, or any night next week. After driving my two children around all day, I have neither the energy or inclination to go out.

But as I start thinking about it, I wonder if there is something wrong with the fact that my children have a busier social life than I do. What, with their own personal chauffeur and assistant to plan their appointments.

The worst thing about it is that my children are only 3 and 4. What will it be like when they're older?

I realise it's time to reassess my priorities if there is any chance that I might have a (childless) night out before they get their driving licences.

Keeping up with the kids

Where did it all start? Ruba Tabari, educational psychologist at Dubai Community Health Centre, says many parents in the UAE are in a unique position because of their means and the various activities available here.

"Parents in the Gulf have more opportunities and financial power to get children involved in activities - from sport to music, dance to computers," she says.

"The minute children are of the age to do after-school activities, parents try to get them to do everything. In their own country, there might not be so many activities, or else they might be too expensive or located far away.

"There are a lot of advantages to these activities. Beside academic studies, children need to learn a lot about life. Activities can teach them about teamwork, negotiation, solidarity, time management, commitment and the importance of fulfilling responsibilities.

"I think it's great that parents give children the chance to learn, because it [opens up] other areas for them to achieve [in] and keeps them away from the PlayStation and TV.

"Also, the chances are that if you're committed to an activity, your self-esteem is high and you won't need to resort to [various vices] and loitering around."

Carol Bracey, a music teacher at Dubai English Speaking School (DESS) and mother of three, agrees that activities are important for kids.

"It's wonderful to give children the opportunity to do some things but not too many. Having three children, we have some financial concerns and restrict our children to two paid activities per week," she says.

Her children attend gym, swimming and ballet classes. She points out that she doesn't want to spend her whole time ferrying them around.

"However, I do think there are expectations to do a number of activities," she adds.

"More is expected of children these days and when they are applying for secondary schools in the UK they are judged not just on academic grades but on what other skills they've picked up. So I do think it's important to get a child interested in lots of different things."

Tabari agrees, "When children are applying for secondary school, good marks are not enough any more. Now they are asking, 'What else can you do'?"

Bracey sets a hectic example for her children. In addition to full-time teaching, she plays squash, performs in an orchestra, a string quartet and sings in a madrigal group. She also runs Tambourine Tots, a fun and relaxing music and movement class for toddlers and pre-schoolers.

"I think the benefits of such activities are that young children can learn to follow instructions while also being in a social environment," she says.

"Research also shows that children can acquire music skills much faster when they're younger, in addition to improving their language skills."

As far as she is concerned, these activities help keep children away from the TV. "We have a TV set but we don't subscribe to any channels; we just watch DVDs occasionally. So when the children are at home, they're not going to be watching TV. They're going to be out playing in the garden," she says.

Messing around, a thing of the past?

So when did children start needing timetables for their free time?

There's no doubt that children have more scheduled lives than we did when we were kids - but when did it all start? And why do we feel our kids need to participate in so many structured activities?

Looking back on my childhood, I remember playing out in the back garden or in my bedroom, going to the park and heading out on long walks with friends when I was older.

It all sounds idyllic, but if I'm honest, I have to recall that there were times when I was bored, when I wished I had something more interesting to do.

While I would have liked one or two scheduled activities, I'm not sure I'd have been too keen on doing something every day after school. So when did it all change?

Perhaps, as the world becomes more competitive, parents feel that we need to give our children every advantage in life. No doubt, it's also connected to the fact that many people in the Gulf live far away from their families and that there is a void in their lives they need to fill with other activities.

There's also the argument that we do it because we can. I have more disposable income than my mother did, and I certainly have more time than my grandmother did.

She was too busy feeding and cleaning 12 children to worry about whether they should be doing any more developmental activities. Similarly, my mother was too occupied looking after her children and her ageing mother.

Even as adults, some of us have more time and money to lavish on ourselves. Instead of keeping fit by an active daily routine, many of us go to fitness classes to stay trim.

Because we have less family around, we tend to do organised activities to make friends. And our children are following these trends.

This is particularly so in Dubai, where many people arrive knowing nobody, yet often have more money (and, in some cases, more time) than previously. With so much time on our hands, we start to focus on how we can use our resources to give our families the best opportunities possible.

Far from our families, we no longer have easy access to advice and support. Organised activities seems the ideal way to fill spare time and ensure that we are giving our children the best we can.

There's also something of a domino effect. If everyone you know sends their children to activities, you'll most likely end up doing the same - partly because you believe it's right and partly because there's noone left to play with your children!

Too many activities
While it may seem like a good idea to enrol your children in a cross-section of activities, ask yourself whether you are over-scheduling your family. There are, of course, other ways to occupy kids.

n Informal playing: Give your children time to play alone or with other kids. They also need to spend time with you, just colouring paper, reading books or messing around in the garden or park.

"I have come across children who are worn out from too many activities," says Tabari.

"Sometimes the activities are not necessarily child-led. Parents have the best intentions, but children can lose the joy of playing because parents are putting pressure on them to do too many activities.

"[Some] children are so overscheduled these days that you have to check with your neighbours weeks in advance to see if their children are free to come around and play."

n Down time: Children need free time so that they can develop their creativity. A few hours of playing in the park can be far better than a structured hour of play.

"I do think there's a danger of people doing too much for their children," says Bracey. "Children also need to be taught how to entertain themselves at home, and not to always rely on their parents and their parents' purses."

Creating a balance

There needs to be a balanced approach to children's activities. While banning all activities in favour of spending time in the garden would be old-fashioned and counterproductive, parents need to ask themselves if they are pushing their kids and themselves too far.

"If the number of activities becomes [stressful to] the child, then you should consider giving him a choice of dropping at least one activity," Tabari says.

She advises parents to spend more 'fun' time with their kids.

"My advice for parents is to slow down and just spend 20 minutes every day playing with their children," says Tabari.

"You'd be surprised how many times parents don't find even that time just to sit and play. For pre-schoolers who are not in nursery, parents can take them out to meet other young children and mothers, but in an unstructured environment."

Parents are often confused by the glut of self-help books, Tabari says. Instead, she advises them to follow their instincts.

"Find time for play time and fun time. Allow children to be children. What children really need is a chance to interact with playmates. As parents, we can provide a rich environment to help them develop their language and motor skills.

"We can encourage them to ride a bike, swim and play with a ball - all simple activities. Parents can read stories to their children, and sing to them.

"Let them splash in the bath, and play with jigsaws. Children who can play at a young age turn out to be better learners when they're older."

Parenting: a walk in the park?
So I think it's time for me to slow down a bit. I'm not going to enrol my toddlers in classical guitar lessons yet, and maybe I should cancel the two language classes and the yoga class.

But that doesn't mean I'm going to stick them in front of the video. It's spring and the weather is still glorious, so I'm going to get out there and take them to the park. Why don't you come too?

n Anthony D'Silva, father of Enrico, 16, and Jonathan, 10: "There is a tendency among some parents to make a child's day as packed as the average overworked man's," says D'Silva.

"These parents apparently succumb to the pressures of today's fast-paced lifestyle, either to keep up with the neighbours or relatives or simply to equip the child with the skills required to make him a 'successful' individual.

"Personally, I detest the habit of parents moving children from pillar to post in an effort to pack the maximum activities into a single day, whether the child likes it or not.

"There are parents who run a parallel class at home, after a child has had a [busy] day at school. By the time the parent has helped the child complete [his] homework ... the poor child is as lifeless as a de-feathered chicken.

"Then there is the other type of parent, who pushes the child to complete his homework, then chauffeurs him to tennis lessons, karate or music class.

"Come on, give the child a break. His heart yearns for the simple things in life, such as mingling with peers or just engaging in creative and enjoyable pursuits such as reading, drawing, singing or communing with nature.

"A regimented life takes the joy out of growing up. I would rather see my child dribble a football, have a game of Scrabble with friends or play on the swing or the slide.
 
"Some argue that the world is too fiercely competitive to allow children to be brought up the old-fashioned way. They say their children will be left behind if we don't give them the [necessary] knowledge and skills to be successful later in life.

"The answer lies in striking a balance between the two extremes. As parents, it's our duty to ensure a child not only has a good education but also an approach that will help him face the pressures of adult life. In our hurry to shape him into a CEO or managing director, we [could] deny him the joys of youth.

"It is a major challenge for parents to make the child's world beautiful by striking a balance between studies and relaxation. Parents who have developed the art of mixing teaching with play are the happiest.

"Each day, we should spend some quality time with our children, discussing issues, laughing with them and using the occasion to impart values they will carry for the rest of their lives.

"Back-to-back academic activities or sporting pursuits are not the ideal way of making our children brilliant. Making them feel wanted and sharing in pursuits of their choice is what will make them great individuals."

Carole Worrall, mother of twins Scott and Adam, 3: "We did the Gina Ford [an American author of childcare books] system and loved it, but with twins and no prior experience it was just the emotional crutch that we needed," says Carole Worrall.

"Some people say she is too strict, but if we were back in the UK, with an opinionated aunt, it would have been just the same."

"I remember hearing a UK radio debate on the pros and cons of schedules for babies and the debate was so fierce that even [my] hubby got listening! There was no winner in the debate, but for us any kind of timetabling was welcomed.

"With our commercially-driven society ... it's no wonder that we now see institutions promising to fasttrack our children's development, seemingly to ensure their future success. Is this really necessary for the child or is this the parents satisfying their need to 'do the right thing'?

"What ever happened to kids just playing? Don't get me wrong - I too like to have some constructive playtime with my little future captains of industry, be it reinforcing their numbers, letters, colours etc, but I promise that I don't schedule that time."

Rachelle Manders, mother of Daniel, 2: "I think we do too much for and with our kids. I don't really know why we feel the need," says Rachelle Manders.

"Is it the 'party bag syndrome' [in which kids' party bags get more competitive at each birthday party you take your child to] or is it a more competitive world in general?"

"I have made a conscious decision not to overdo it, either with the party bags ... or the activities. But that's easier said than done.

"Being half-French, I recently took - or tried to take - my son Daniel to a French singing class. Daniel is 28 months old and was bordering on being a real pain. The three-sided mirrored room was just too much.

"He spent the whole time running around the edge of the class, glancing at himself in the mirrors. I was six months' pregnant and in the middle of attempting potty training, yet I found myself leaning and crawling in all directions trying to catch Daniel and get him to join in singing while simultaneously asking him if he needed a wee - what a disaster that turned out to be! Yet I had to think twice about whether we should join for the term.

"Really, the decision I was making was whether the class made me feel good as a mum, rather than whether Daniel benefited [from it] in any way.

"My husband says the kids can have two hobbies each, so that he doesn't spend his free time ferrying them about. A bit cynical, I thought initially, but in fact I am coming round to the idea.

"As my mum says, 'There's no harm in letting them get a bit bored at times, it makes them appreciate it when you do make the effort to entertain them'."

Maged Mina, father of Mounir, 18, and Mina, 15: "There are so many new opportunities for young people that were not available when we were growing up. This is especially true in a multicultural, cosmopolitan place like Dubai," says Maged Mina.

"We try to make sure that our kids have as many choices as possible. Both our sons are very interested in sport so we encourage them to [combine] this with their other activities so they can develop themselves mentally and physically.

"Sports are great because they foster a spirit of teamwork and competition. Our son Mina loves football and tennis and sometimes we have to rein in his enthusiasm to make sure he has time for his studies.

"Regarding activities, it's been my experience that you can bring a horse to water but you can't make him drink it. I've always loved the arts and I wished my kids could play music, so I pushed them to learn the guitar or piano, but they rejected them.

"At a certain point, you have to give up [trying to guide their interests] because kids are developing their own personalities.

"As parents, we are sometimes taken aback by the amount of interest our children have in some hobbies. One has to accept each child and his individual interests. If a hobby is imposed on a child, he'll simply lose interest if he doesn't love it and there's no point forcing him to do something he doesn't like.

"Looking back, I think my skills as a father evolved as the kids grew up. I got a lot from my parents but I also had to absorb things from today's environment. You have to react to changes to meet your children's needs, and you tend to learn a lot in the process.

"I never turned to parenting books because I always believed parenting is fun and I didn't want to turn it into a science. You can learn more from life than from books. We are not born to be parents.

"While part of it is inherent, we acquire much of the learning from communicating with others and adapting to changing circumstances."