Dancing to mom's tunes

When Toby finally consented to marry his lady love Sara, little did she know that there would be, to use the late Lady Diana's quote, three people in the marriage.

The only difference was that unlike the royal marriage, in this case, it wasn't a love rival but a bossy mother who drove a wedge between the couple.
Sara did not know it at the time, but Toby's mother Myra was the reason he kept putting off his wedding.

The 30-something man was not sure whether his mother would approve of his choice of a life partner and he, of course, did not want to do anything that would upset her.

However, when his heartstrings began to strum on a higher octave, he decided to ... well, elope.

His mother, of course, never forgave him.

Toby was what a psychologist would term a 'kidult' (a middle-aged person who enjoys being part of youth culture living life quite like a child).

A qualified motor mechanic, he knew how to run his own garage, but not his life.

The result: he lived with his mum until he was well past his thirties.

And even when he did move out of his parents' home, he rented an apartment which was just a few blocks away from where his mom lived.

When Toby met and fell in love with Sara, little did she expect his mother to have such a huge influence on their lives.

Initially, the hints came at well spaced-out intervals. His mother's cooking was so good. Her way of doing the laundry was so organised. And then, the frequency of comparisons gathered speed.

Sara found it increasingly difficult to match up to her mother-in-law's 'perfection', no matter how hard she tried. The house, for example, even if subjected to a Hubblescope test to locate a speck of dust, was never as clean as "mum kept it".


The list of activities in which Myra the mother was better was getting longer than the queue at the release of Harry Potter's latest escapade.

In direct contrast, Sara's patience began getting shorter and shorter.

Toby and Sara did not need rocket science classes to deduce that their marriage was becoming strained, to say the least.

And one day, when the strain turned into snap, into the gap stepped Myra.

She for one was glad that her son Toby was rid of Sara, who in her opinion was never good enough for him anyway.


Apron strings is old coinage. Today's lifecoaches prefer to call it mommy power.

Whatever you call it, the phenomenon remains the same. Mums who call the shots in their sons' lives long after he is married and settled.

Sigmund Freud would have his own interpretation of this, but leaving him well behind, we ask today's experts to name one reason why boys become men only to remain boys at heart.

The one reason then as given by the experts: boys end up comparing their wife with their mother in all aspects because they grow up equating comfort, security and love with their mother.

If the mother is a woman of strong character, a good housekeeper and help us all, also a great cook, well, what do you expect?

The boy will draw a chalk mark on the wall so high, his wife will never reach up to it despite her tallest Jimmy Choos.

The memories of the cosy home where warm food awaited him at all times, the total security and love that he was surrounded by ... it all becomes a memory that stays with him – happily for him, and sadly for his wife – always.

In fact, physically he may be digging in the deserts of Namibia as a grown-up archaeologist but in his mind, he is simply the little boy banging his silver spoon on the dining table as mama brings out the hot carrot-bean soup that sports a delicious sheen of melting butter.

Yum.

So, when he does get married and goes off to Namibia, he begins to miss the soup. It's worse if it just so happens that his wife hates carrots.

Idealistic world

According to relationship experts, some men who have been brought up idealising their mother's virtues find it difficult to find a partner who matches up.

Problems crop up when he begins to compare his wife to his mother in all respects. In severe situations, the woman may find it difficult to conform to her husband's ideals of womanhood and ends up either trying to follow in her mother-in-law's footsteps by sacrificing her individuality or takes the other path – rebelling at his attitude and storming out of the door – and the marriage.

Both approaches, as you can see, are not the right formula for a 10-on-10 marriage.

But why speculate any further? Just let's ask the guys.

Xiotang Yang, aka Tornar, is from China and, though still young, has very clear ideas on this issue.

An undergraduate student of management at the Wollongong University, he ticks the qualities his spouse-to-be should have.

"What I would want my wife-to-be to learn from my mother is how to love and help people," he says.

"I am very closely attached to my parents, especially my mother. But my mother never allowed her love to become my weakness and from an early age, she snipped off the apron strings," he laughs.

"I have lived on my own since I was very young. When I entered Grade 6, I shifted to a school in Beijing and rented an apartment close to the school.

"Both my parents are businesspeople and travel a lot. My mother wanted me to be independent, come up in life the hard way, stand on my own two feet and not depend on her for anything other than emotional support. So here I was, a young boy, washing my own clothes, cooking for my own food, walking [not being chauffeured] to
school ..."

Initially, Tornar hated being on his own. "I was so scared, particularly during the nights, and I would not switch off the lights in my room when I went to bed."

Back home, his parents had clear views about his upbringing. "If it was fish [my mother] wanted me to eat, that was all that was served on the dinner table – take it or leave it.

"Eventually I learnt to adjust without complaining. I would argue a lot with my mother, but on hindsight, I see how that discipline taught me to be a man in my own right," he says.

"I would definitely want my wife to learn a lot from my mother, but I will never use my mother as a benchmark to measure my wife's qualities," says Tornar.

It is unfair to judge your wife using your mother as a yardstick, he says. "After all, your wife comes from another family and has her own individuality."

So, what qualities should his wife have?

"What I would look for in my partner is a shared appreciation for things, shared values ... for me, respect towards parents is important," says Tornar.

"I don't think it is asking for too much. My mother is very strict, protective and patient. I would like [my wife-to-be] to imbibe these qualities from her.

I would also look for a stamp of approval [of my choice of partner] from my mother and would like to live with my parents or close to them or at least visit them regularly.

"I don't buy the argument that quarrels between daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law are inevitable. If you allow your wife the space she deserves and strike a balance between the two women, a lot of heartache can be avoided. I might be sounding idealistic, but that is how I feel," he says.

Quite like Tornar, Honest Ncube, who hails from Bulawayo, Zimbabwe, also believes in holding on to some elements of the traditional in his marital life.

A special education teacher, he feels it is not correct to sacrifice traditional values in the name of modernity.

"There has been a lot of Westernisation [happening] in Africa," he says, "... and men have also changed their attitude with regard to their spouses,'' says Ncube, who has been married for six years and has two daughters.

His wife (a clerk at the post office in Bulawayo) and children live on the outskirts of Bulawayo but not with his mother and family.

"The African society is very close-knit and we have large extended family ties," he says, explaining the courting rituals in his tribe.

"Initially, the girl introduces the boy she is keen to marry to her aunt, who 'interviews' him to determine if he is suitable for her niece.

"During the courtship, you are expected to tell your future bride your expectations of her.

"Most men expect their brides to step into a joint family and live together."

Only after both arrive at a common meeting ground vis-a-vis expectations will the aunt introduce the boy to his prospective parents-in-law.

"African society is very dynamic and adaptive. People are educated and no longer believe [only] in arranged matches or betrothals. Those are things of the past. But deep down, most African men are very traditional. Their mother is their yardstick and they expect their wives to cook and keep house just like their mothers did. Psychologically, the onus of adjustment and acclimatisation is on the girl who is entering into matrimony," says Ncube.

"That," he says, "is the cause of friction in most families today. Many young women are educated, independent and financially empowered and are not willing to accept things as they are.

"I think it is very important that once you get married, you move out of your parents' home and give your wife a fair chance [of setting up house on her own]. That is what I have worked out in my marriage. But at the same time, I do not deny that there is an inextricable and strong bond of love I share with my mother and the fact that she played a pivotal role in shaping my life."

Ncube admits that society has changed a lot. "No marriage can survive without give-and-take," he says.

"I recognise the need for my wife to be independent and allow her to be her own boss, live on her own terms, in her own apartment away from my mother and the rest of the family.

"I try to give her enough room to grow but also try to instil [some of] my own values in her. I have come to accept that in today's times, where the woman brings in the butter, it is not possible to call all the shots. I have to give credit to her individuality and not expect her to be my mother's shadow.

"Culture cannot be static and the relationship between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law is greatly influenced by socio-cultural factors. Most African men now understand that if peace has to reign in the family and in their lives, they have to step out of their mum's shadows ... be men enough to run their own show in life.

Parents ought to be respected but we are living in a different era and cannot afford to be primitive and aggressive as householders."

Ncube feels often it is advisable for the man to step out from constantly playing the role of 'husband' and 'son' and leave the resolution of certain issues in the family to the women of the house.

"My mother, Malwandle Ncube, is wise and tactful. My wife, too, is very understanding and when problems do arise, I remind her that we have our whole lives ahead of us while my mother may have a shorter time on earth. Therefore, we must be compassionate and tolerant towards her. I am fortunate that Marie is a very cooperative wife and a kind daughter-in-law."

A crucial difference that drove a wedge between Chilean Levi Vasquez Martinez of Yorkshire and his partner of 10 years was the contrasting attitudes the two had towards the institution of family, especially towards their respective mothers.

Martinez, an executive with a popular television station in Dubai, is currently recovering from the recent break-up.

He thinks the inevitable clash of cultures was responsible for the relationship coming to an end.

"It is funny that I never really gave a thought to that [earlier]," he says.

"I am a Chilean, born and brought up in Yorkshire, while she is English. In Latin America, family ties are very strong and men stay longer with their mothers and families [than men do] in Europe.

"I moved out of my home at the age of 20, but I have always been extremely close to my mother, Lucy. She is ... typically Latin American in every way – devoted to her family and children and a wonderful cook.

In Latin American cultures, there are a few thumb rules:

1. A woman rules the home.

2. You have to learn to compromise and adjust to the house rules.

3. Men step in only when they must.

Initially, Martinez's girlfriend didn't quite understand how his
family unit worked.

Later, when she learnt more about Latin American culture and values, she did attempt to integrate with his family. "She still admires my mother, but in hindsight, I think there were a lot of things that must have overwhelmed her," says Martinez,
who accepts and admits that men inevitably compare their spouses to their mothers.

"I see a lot of these situations. I see wives falling in line; it is unfair. My mother was very sensitive about it and always made sure that my partner was very welcome at our home. If a confrontational situation developed, she would always kiss and hug [the aggrieved person].

My ex-girlfriend has a lot of respect for my parents, especially my mother.

"I think culture is to be respected and followed but how you interpret it and adapt to it depends on your individual sensitivity."

Martinez also believes that there should not be three people in a relationship. But at the same time, he feels "it is very important that [my wife] gets along with my family.

"I believe women rule the planet and it is extremely important for them to be relaxed with one another."

Woman power

For many men, their mothers are their emotional bedrock. Take a look at six presidents of the 20th century –

Thomas Woodrow Wilson, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, John Fitzgerald Kennedy, Lyndon Baines Johnson, Richard Milhous Nixon, and Ronald Wilson Reagan. For the record, all took their mother's family name!

Incidentally, Bush and Gore did not take their mother's family name, but both have been known to have strong mothers – Pauline Gore and Barbara Bush respectively – who both
consciously groomed their sons into becoming powerful men.

'Respect for parents is crucial in a marriage.' Amjad Durrani is convinced that a lot depends on how intelligent the man is and how he strikes the correct balance between the two most important women in his life.

"My mother, Shaista, was a very strong woman. She was widowed at an early age and was forced to bring up seven children [I have five brothers and a sister] single handedly," says this Pakistani national.

"She always taught us to be tough and stand on our own feet. I have always admired her courage and resilience, and respect her deeply for the values she taught us," he says.

"In Asian society, men usually tend to lean towards their mothers and expect their wives to toe the line," says the proprietor of an advertising agency.

"But for me both women were equally important in my life and I made sure both women understood this.

"I was very clear about not comparing my mother with my wife, a mistake many men often make. I think it is unfair to the wife."

He has great praise for his mother who, he says "did not believe in making us mamma's boys.

She had spelt out the rules very clearly. 'I am there for help and counsel, but I am not going to solve your problem for you'."

So perfect is the relationship between his wife and his mother, that whenever he remarks to his wife Tamkeen that, for instance, what she has cooked tastes quite like what his mother used to, the latter takes it as a compliment.

"Tamkeen is a secure person, very well-educated and from a liberal yet disciplined family," he says.

"I think having a mutual respect for each other's parents is very important in a marriage."

A woman's point of view

"I think a mother is like an anchor in a man's life,'' says Alla Tchemedanova (right), a Russian and a registered hypnotherapist in Dubai.

"If he has a happy and comfortable childhood, he wants to prolong that past and live in it as that is what is familiar to him and which gives him comfort," says this NLP practitioner.
"When he doesn't get that, he is insecure and frustrated.

Most men never want to change themselves but want their spouses to change. This is a common psychological problem and a cause for gender friction in all cultures – Indian, English, Irish, Canadian, Australian and American.

"Sometimes a husband might want to sever the umbilical cord and seek independence. But there are strong mothers who emotionally blackmail the son into [toeing the line].

"According to Neuro Lingusitic Programming, we all have choices in life and there is always a good and a bad choice for you. When you cannot decide between the two, you need counselling.

"Many people think it is wrong to discuss family issues of such a personal nature with an outsider.

"But just as you need professional help to put up your curtains or to trim your hedge, you need professional help if your marriage is under threat. It is the best investment one can make."

An important tip she offers husbands and wives is to communicate freely and regularly.

Communication is also crucial between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, she says. "[To eliminate problems], get the two women to talk to each other," she says.

"I would tell all couples to live in the present, discard the past, do not be attached to it or judge people based on that. Let the past be a memory, stay in the present and enjoy the happiness of the moment.

"Man and wife are like two circles who are trying to fit in with each other.

When they are complete within themselves, there is a synergy; when they are incomplete, they draw out each other's energy to fulfil their own needs. That becomes a stressful relationship.

"In the present world, where men have to play the role of a co-worker in life, sharing domestic and social duties, where women are financially empowered, the best way to overcome issues is by trying to complete the circle of emotion within yourself so that you can complement each other's energy and combine it for a more fulfilling life."