Traditionally we associate ageing with the wisdom that comes with a lifetime of experience. That archetypal white haired sage whose greater understanding of the meaning of life inspires the young is often found in cultures across the globe. In times past, older people were respected and revered for that knowledge…but times change.
We live in a world where technology means that knowledge is always at our fingertips. We live in a world dominated by the visual rather than the written word and we live in a world where ageing is increasingly viewed as a negative. The impact of this on both men and women of ‘a certain age’ can come as a shock. The sense that you are being pushed to the periphery of your own life by more youthful, seemingly more vibrant people whose understanding of this ever changing world far outstrips your own can seriously undermine your confidence.
It seems to me that men can take it particularly hard. This may be because older men just aren’t as adept at talking about their emotions as their female counterparts. Perhaps they were brought up to keep those emotions firmly bottled up as to let them go would be a sign of weakness or perhaps they don’t have the networks of friends that women develop over a lifetime. Whatever the reason, the increase in older men coming to see me has been striking in the past couple of years. And when I finally get to the heart of what is going on, there is a commonality of experience; they all feel ‘past it’ and it has shaken their world to such a degree that they are struggling.
It seems to me that men can take it particularly hard. This may be because older men just aren’t as adept at talking about their emotions as their female counterparts. Perhaps they were brought up to keep those emotions firmly bottled up as to let them go would be a sign of weakness or perhaps they don’t have the networks of friends that women develop over a lifetime. Whatever the reason, the increase in older men coming to see me has been striking in the past couple of years. And when I finally get to the heart of what is going on, there is a commonality of experience; they all feel ‘past it’ and it has shaken their world to such a degree that they are struggling.
As you age, it’s common sense to accept that things change. Life itself is a state of flux and confidence ebbs and flows depending on what it throws your way. It is an inescapable fact of life that the passage of time starts to have an impact on our appearance and our body. Looking in the mirror, we sometimes don’t like what we see and that feeling can be compounded by the fact that we are surrounded by images of youthfulness. Increasingly, men are turning to the surgeon’s knife to try and turn back the clock. In the last ten years plastic surgery for men has boomed. Abdominoplasty, liposuction and breast reduction surgery are some of the most common procedures. And non-surgical procedures are just as popular. Botox, or ‘Brotox’ as it’s jokingly referred to, and facial fillers, once the preserve of celebrities, are now seen as everyday. Far be it from me to judge.
If changing your outward appearance in some way gives you back the confidence you feel you’ve lost, then great. My only worry is that it’s all on the surface, it doesn’t really address what’s going on underneath. Those difficult emotions that no amount of surgery can do anything about. Those feelings that you’ve lost your relevancy and you feel adrift in your career; where once you were a driving force, now you feel like a passenger - those are the feelings that gradually nibble away at your confidence. That confidence is often replaced by an existential anxiety and you struggle to assert your position in the world as a new set of ‘alpha males’ moves in.
Many of the men who come to me for help are in the later stages of their professional lives. As far as I can see, they come for two reasons; they feel like they are being undermined or ignored in favour of younger colleagues or they are petrified of the changes retirement will bring. Often they are ruminating on the meaning of life - a ‘what is all for?’ mindset that is making them question so many things.
Scientists believe that confidence peaks in middle-age. A time when, on average, people have made progress in their careers and are settled into family life. They feel at the height of their powers in terms of status and relevancy. However, when kids move on and maybe you have gone as far as you can professionally, this can prove to be unsettling. It can make you question your purpose and ultimately this can erode confidence, making some men become more withdrawn or even fearful of things they used to take in their stride like public speaking, driving and getting to grips with the plethora of new things the world seems to keep throwing at us. In turn, instead of embracing the challenges and facing down the obstacles, it’s easier to become increasingly dismissive of a world that you feel you’re being edged out of.
So how do you rise to the challenge and ensure that the third phase of your life is as meaningful and satisfying as the previous two? Mindset has a huge part to play. If you tell yourself you’re old that feeds into how you perceive your abilities. The reality is you have a lifetime of skills and experience and are probably more than capable of getting your head around something new. Buying into the stereotype of being ‘too old’ to do certain things is a self-fulfilling prophecy that will hold you back. The first thing I recommend to ring the changes is that you become more aware of your own negative self-talk. You can actively change the way you approach life simply by being aware of your own thoughts and reframing them. This is certainly something you can learn and I should know, because I have successfully taught it for many years. It can make a world of difference and is incredibly empowering.
Once you’re open to embracing new things, then the obvious next step is to go ahead and try a few things. It could range from active to cerebral or preferably a bit of both! Always wanted to study a particular subject? Do it! Always wanted to paint? Do it! Cycling something you fancy trying? Do it! The time is now. Not only do new activities bring with them the opportunity to improve your mental and physical capabilities, they can also bring you into contact with new people.
Social connections are an imperative for retaining confidence. In our middle-years it’s very easy to be so caught up in family and work that socialising can take a back seat simply because of the time constraints. Rightly so, there’s a great deal of focus on the changes involved in women’s lives when children fly the nest, but it also affects men too and is much less talked about. It dramatically changes your life landscape and takes some adjusting to. Making new connections that take you outside of the home and outside of your comfort zone can be nerve-wracking, but feel the fear and do it anyway as they say! Enjoying non-work related friendships with people your own age will foster opportunities for enriching your life in so many ways.
Whatever you choose to do, don’t choose to do nothing.
My advice is don’t fall for the fallacy that ageing is a barrier to new experience. After all, the wonderful Fauja Singh, now believed to be over 110 years old, first took up marathon running at the age of 89! Now that’s a lesson for us all.
Russell Hemmings is a Dubai-based life coach and cognitive behavioural hypnotherapist (russellhemmings.co.uk).
