How do you get out of your own head? It’s a stinging question. A Dubai-based mother who prefers not to be named is anxious about her daughter, who is never content with her achievements. She has a room filled with medals and certificates, but it is never enough. Nothing ever is.
This sinking feeling of ‘never enough’ takes many forms. Take Katherine Bryce, a Dubai-based British expat, who sends her friends gifts regularly, even though they are scattered across the globe. She worries they will forget her; so she needs to find a way to make them stay. She doesn’t believe that she is good enough to be remembered. On the other hand, you have Dubai-based Tania Roy, a sales person, works herself to the point of burnout, because she believes that what she does isn’t enough.
Alas, the narratives and stories that we keep feeding ourselves. It comes down to the basic thread: Never good enough, be it your personal or professional life. You're always falling short, somewhere.
“It's your beliefs about yourself and the world around you that affects your well-being,” explains Alison Thawne, an American Dubai-based clinical psychologist. “If you believe that you are worthy of love and can confront difficulties in life, you will behave in a manner that aligns with this thought process,” she says. However, if you’re convinced that you are undeserving and incapable, you will act accordingly in a manner that aligns with that negative rut. “You need to see what you tell yourself. It will shape how you think, feel and act,” she says.
The narrative of not being good enough
A crippling sense of inadequacy: That’s the core of not feeling good enough.
As Eidde Francke, a Dubai-based clinical psychologist LightHouse Arabia explains, there are many reasons behind this feeling of hollow inadequacy. It could be social comparison, perpetuated by social media and societal standards, which often leads people to measure their worth against unrealistic ideals. “The past experiences of failure, criticism, or trauma can really shape a person’s self-perception,” she says. Unrealistic ideas of perfectionism and low self-esteem also play into fueling this sense of inadequacy, adds Nardeen Turjman, a clinical psychologist at the German Neuroscience Center.
We’re left with a devastatingly low self-esteem that allows us to believe the stories that we tell ourselves.
There are many reasons behind this feeling of hollow inadequacy. It could be social comparison, perpetuated by social media and societal standards, which often leads people to measure their worth against unrealistic ideals...
Expanding more on these reasons, Thawne says, “The idea of failure can really send a person reeling, even if it wasn’t an actual failure. For instance, if a relationship ends suddenly, sometimes the grief of it ending compels a person to believe that it was their fault,” she explains. They get trapped in the narrative: I’m not good enough. That’s why it ended. And so, this fear of failure prevents them from taking risks or trying to meet other people, because they’re so sure about their own shortcomings. It’s the story that they’ve fed themselves.
This panic of failure also fuels inadequacy. If they receive criticism about something at work, they view it as a ‘failure’, explains Thawne. On the flipside, even if a person with such thoughts does something well at work, they’ll be fueled by a negative desire to do more, because they won’t be satisfied with themselves. “Those are the sure ingredients for burnout and exhaustion,” explains Thawne.
As she reminds, the story in your head isn’t always right.
The signs of the negative narrative
Self-loathing. The unfair comparisons. The inability, or rather refusal to escape from negative patterns.
“If you engage in persistent self-criticism, fear of failure, seeking constant validation from others, and avoiding challenges or risks due to a lack of self-belief; and if you find it difficult to recognise and appreciate your achievements and strengths you are probably stuck in the inadequacy rut,” explains Francke.
Cruel self-talk
No one’s as harsh to ourselves, as we are, explains Thawne. “We’re our own cruel critics,” she says. So, we revel in chastising ourselves when something doesn’t go right. We ascribe hurtful terms for ourselves, for example ‘loser’, she adds. You’ll often hear people say things like, “How could I be so stupid?” and “I’m such a disappointment”. We hurl such cruel terms at ourselves and believe it, she says. And worse, we allow others to joke about it in front of us, even if we aren’t alright with it. This breeds further hurt, low self-esteem and anger with ourselves.
This is just one example. Generally, we reduce ourselves to either our work, or a role in our family, explains Anne Mills, a British Dubai-based psychologist. We are diluting our own complexity, when we start over-identifying with such self-ascribed labels.
The refusal to let go
Someone hurt us once. It’s seared into our memories and we keep digging up that memory to feel that same sense of rage and betrayal. Or, we hurt someone by mistake and they never forgave us. It all plays into the emotion of adding to our inadequacy.
“Some experiences are particularly scarring,” explains Mills. “It could have been a relationship ending. It could be a fight with your parents that was really sorted out. These memories, the words still reverberate in a person and induces several physiological changes in them. So, they keep imagining the same episode, trying to look for alternate endings,” she adds. They’re seeking some closure that will never come.
As she reminds, letting go is not about the other person. It’s about you. You need to see the toll that this angry, or repenting exhaustion is taking on you. You need to find a way to be patient and kind to yourself, so you stop scratching at a throbbing wound, she says.
You won’t consider different alternatives
We don't see the other side. “We don’t see the reality as it is, only because we’re listening to what our mind says,” explains Thawne. Our low self-esteem, daily stress overwhelms us to the extent that nothing seems right. We’re sure there is no solution. If we aren't confident about our looks, we believe that a romantic relationship ended due to our physical inadequacies.
When we can’t do all the tasks that we must do on any given day, we may overlook the fact that not doing them is also an option, she says, quoting an example from the site Psychology Today. We’re so blinded by our own desperation to do them, and when we can’t, it feeds into our fragmented narrative of never being good enough.
How do we break free from this rut?
We need to be conscious of the narratives we feed to ourselves, explains Thawne. We have to observe the role they play in our self-esteem and self-worth. “It all has a strong impact on our mental well-being, especially because we believe,” she says. When you notice such narratives, you choose how to engage with them. You can see how to engage with them, and how they drive your actions. “You need to consciously train your awareness, and focus on what matters to you,” she says.
So, how do we overcome the narrative of not being good enough? “Feeling ‘good enough’ is not about achieving perfection or meeting external standards,” explains Francke. “It's about recognising your inherent worth as a unique and valuable individual, embracing your strengths and imperfections, and living authentically according to your own values and aspirations,” she says.
Overcoming feelings of inadequacy requires a shift in mindset, fostering self-worth through self-nurturing practices and encouraging words, accepting flaws as a natural aspect of humanity, recognizing and honouring accomplishments, and nurturing a mentality of thankfulness and inner strength....
It requires a shift in mindset, fostering self-worth through self-nurturing practices and encouraging words, accepting flaws as a natural aspect of humanity, recognizing and honouring accomplishments, and nurturing a mentality of thankfulness and inner strength as Turjman and Francke explain. Challenge negative self-talk and unhelpful thinking styles. “Establish healthy boundaries in your relationships and commitments to prioritise your well-being. Learn to say no to activities or requests that drain your energy or undermine your sense of self-worth," adds Francke.
Moreover, you need to take responsibility for yourself, rather than blaming others. Take a look at what your unhelpful habits are, and attempt to break free from those.
