Is your child struggling to make friends? Recognise the key signs and how to help

Yes that’s my daughter. The one hiding behind the pillar.

That was Dubai-based Kaavya Nair’s mother’s wearied refrain, every time she had to take Nair to preschool, or even birthday parties. Nair would hide behind pillars, or 'scrabble’ towards the car, or run every time she was introduced to children her age. “My mother was actually worried, wondering why I didn’t want to make friends with anyone,” recalls Nair.

As Nair surmises now, she was just overcome with profound shyness and awkwardness at that age, and being thrust into social gatherings compounded the feeling further. “I think, she decided to just let me be, and did not force me anymore to become friends with my classmates. So, I gradually started talking to my peers on a one-on-one basis, and more importantly, I had a really encouraging class teacher, who never tried to push me, either. That, helped.”

Fast-forward to today and the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree as Nair’s five-year-old daughter exhibits the similar shyness. Nair mentions that she works to keep the same composure and calm so that her daughter doesn’t get overtly stressed and anxious. “She has made one friend now, so hopefully, in time, she gains confidence to make more,” explains Nair.

As she advises all anxious parents, it’s easy to get worried when your child doesn’t make friends easily, or all. Our minds take us to the worst-scenario situations, where we start worrying if there is a deeply embedded psychological issue.

Why do children struggle to make friends?

There could be several reasons why children struggle to make friends, ranging from shyness, to low self-confidence, or even difficulty interpreting social cues, which lead to withdrawal or anxiety, explains Minu Mathews, Health Psychologist and Associate Professor in Psychology at Heriot-Watt University Dubai. “Moreover, children with introverted personalities may also prefer solitude and feel overwhelmed by noise or crowds, while shy children or those with low self-esteem may hesitate to engage and wait for others to initiate interactions.”

Hiba Saad, a Dubai-based psychologist from LightHouse Arabia elaborates further, “A child’s temperament also plays a role—shy or introverted children might hesitate to engage, while more assertive ones might struggle to compromise. Emotional regulation issues, such as difficulty managing frustration or disappointment, can further complicate interactions.

Furthermore as Mathew explains, language barriers can further complicate communication, particularly for children learning a new language or with limited vocabulary. Additionally, behavioural issues such as impulsivity or aggression can disrupt peer interactions. For instance, children with ADHD may interrupt conversations, making it harder to form connections.

As both the psychologists explain, the social challenges, typically emerge during the preschool years, between ages 3-5, as children begin engaging in structured peer interactions and develop essential social skills such as sharing, communication, and conflict resolution.

“However, it’s typical for many young children to warm up slowly or prefer parallel play,” explains Saad.  “Concern may arise when these difficulties persist into later childhood, 6-7 years, and interfere with daily activities or cause distress, such as refusing to attend school or avoiding social opportunities altogether. It’s important to watch for signs of social challenges that hinder a child’s development and well-being.”

Differentiating between shyness and a more serious social challenge

When does shyness cross over into a more serious issue like social anxiety?

For instance, Dubai-based Ainsley Keith thought her daughter was just shy, till she noticed that the child seemed gradually more fearful around people, and had no friends in school by the age of six. “It took me a while to get to the bottom of the mystery, but I found that she had been badly bullied by her classmates earlier, and after that, she was terrified of making friends,” remembers Keith.

No doubt, shyness is a common experience, so how can we differentiate it from a deeper issue? Mathews explains: Shyness typically improves as children become familiar with their environment, as they gradually join social activities. The phase of shyness is normal.  Quite often, these social struggles are temporary, as they occur in response to significant life changes, such as moving to a new neighbourhood, joining a different school, or adjusting to new routines. These challenges are typically short-lived, as children gradually adapt to their environment and form connections over a few weeks or months. For instance, a child who initially hesitates to join group activities in a new school may become more comfortable as they grow familiar with their classmates and surroundings.

If shyness persists and significantly affects daily life, it may indicate social anxiety. Children with this condition may avoid group activities and experience distress in social settings, leading to loneliness. “Parents should be concerned if these behaviours impact their child’s well-being and overall development,” explains Saad. Deeper issues may be at play if the child displays constant avoidance of social situations, such as refusing to attend birthday parties or avoiding peers during recess. Intense anxiety around social interactions, such as excessive fear of being judged or rejected, may indicate underlying conditions like social anxiety disorder.  That’s when parents might need to consult a professional.

Creating a safe space for children

The writing is on the wall:  Parents play a crucial role in shaping their children’s emotional well-being and social competence.

“A child’s emotional well-being and social competence are shaped by their home environment, explains Mathews.  Authoritative parenting, characterised by warmth, support, and clear boundaries, fosters self-esteem and social skills. On the other hand, a parent who is overtly critical or neglectful can hinder relationship-building, which leads to low self-esteem.  Children need to feel valued and heard, only then can trust and resilience be built.  “Parental care and the transmission of family values promote emotional development and secure attachments, empowering children to form positive, lasting connections and navigate social situations with confidence.”

What are some strategies for parents to support a child who feels isolated or left out?