A giant teddy bear, love songs, cupcakes, and sweet nothings. How can that not make someone feel warm and fuzzy?
Heads up: It needn’t.
That's love-bombing: Trying to sway someone over with over-the-top-acts of displays of affection. For the bewildered receiver, it feels like a rather manipulative tactic to gain control. The result? People tend to see right through it.
For instance, Anvesha Singh, a Sharjah-based school teacher recalls, that whenever she tried ending her relationship with a former partner, he would instantly send gifts and flowers to her house to try and win her over. However, he crossed the line when he left a rather massive teddy bear on the steps, near her apartment raising several perplexed questions from neighours and the watchman.
On the other hand, Rose George (name changed on request), a Dubai-based American media professional would feel rather overwhelmed every time she had a fight with her partner: He would send recordings of his romantic songs to her every day, along with cupcakes.
However, love-bombing extends beyond just romantic relationships. It can also be used in friendships, and professional settings to gain favour and avoid consequences.
Ananya Seth, a Dubai-based public relations head remembers a junior colleague who would always send gifts to her. “At first, I thought it was just a friendly gesture, but over time, the frequency of gifting increased, as did the value of the gifts,” she says. Gradually, Seth realised that her colleague wasn’t faring well at work and was trying to use gifts as a method of appeasement and deflect attention from her poor performance. Despite the team's request to stop the excessive gifting, it continued. “It began to feel like a bribe,” she says. As most companies have clearly stated policies around gifting, she had to finally alert Human Resources, and they issued a formal notification to this employee directing her to refrain from gifting altogether.
In some cases, the love bombing need not be actual gifts but over the top gratitude and thank you messages.
A form of manipulation
As you can see, love bombing gets messy and awkward. Explaining this tactic of overtly expressing affection, Karen Blair, a Dubai-based psychologist, and relationship therapist and Elise Bitar, a Dubai-based clinical psychologist explain that it’s a pattern of excessively affectionate behaviours, where one person ‘bombs’ another with displays of love, which include verbal declarations, gifting, or a barrage of compliments. They could also crave constant communication and want to spend more time with the person. While it is flattering initially, it’s a red flag.
When love-bombing occurs in a relationship, it could lead to confusion and a sense of dependency in the recipient and create emotional distress as well...
Moreover, it is also considered a form of manipulation, that is deployed to gain the upper hand over a person, in the hope that they would turn dependent on them, adds Blair. This strategy, especially common in professional settings, fosters a sense of obligation. The recipient starts feeling confused and obliged and employs logic such as: They love me so much, or they do so much for me, how can I repay it? It’s even more conflicting when one wants to end a relationship, platonic or otherwise, explains Blair.
“The extra love and affection make you question your own experience of why you had issues in the first place: 'They’re being so friendly and sweet, did I read it wrong?’” She explains. Or another example: A senior might think twice about reprimanding a love-bomber too harshly in their team. The often-asked question, how do I break the news of their poor appraisal to them nicely?
The effects are manifold. These love-bombing tactics are usually intended to overwhelm a person, to establish a connection and erase any possible doubts, that the other person might have. The giver or love-bomber as such, might demand more time from the person, and slowly the recipient distances themselves from their family and friends, to be with them, causing fractured relationships and deep wounds, adds Blair.
This constant showering of affection can also erode genuine connections. People start to handle the love-bomber cautiously, unsure of their true motives.
Dubai-based psychologist Elisa Frank and Bushra Khan, a transformational coach at Wellth, point out the several signs of love-bombing, distinguishing it from genuine affection:
Over-the-top affection
Excessive compliments: They shower you with compliments that feel false or unearned. "You might feel like the most special person in the world as you're showered with compliments, gifts, and constant messages," explains Khan.
Constant attention: They text, call, and want to spend an abnormal amount of time with you.
Grand gestures: They show affection with extravagant gifts or experiences that feel out of proportion to how well you know each other.
You might feel like the most special person in the world as you're showered with compliments, gifts, and constant messages. By giving you so much attention and affection, they make you feel dependent on their approval and presence.
Love declarations too soon: "The relationship or connection moves very quickly, with intense declarations of love or deep commitments made too soon," adds Khan.
Additionally, love bombing can be a sign of a controlling personality, adds Frank. “The love-bomber might become jealous or possessive if you spend time with others. They may use guilt trips to manipulate your behaviour or try to isolate you from loved ones and activities that you enjoy. In extreme cases, they might even try to monitor your whereabouts excessively.”
Frank and Khan highlight the frantic pace of love bombing, which can also occur at the beginning of a relationship. It could be a calculated strategy to overwhelm a person with affection and create an unhealthy dependence. “The focus feels one-sided. The love bomber can shower the other person with affection but doesn't show a genuine interest in getting to know them as a person. It feels unbalanced and smothering.” Contrast this with genuine affection. Healthy relationships develop gradually. There's comfort, space for both partners to grow, and a focus on mutual understanding. The pace is steady, allowing for genuine feelings and a strong foundation, she adds.
Moreover, in the case of love bombing, the intensity can also fade away over time, as Frank says. The consistency is rather dubious. However, with genuine affection, it grows and deepens gradually. “Your intuition is important. If something feels off or too good to be true, it probably is. Trust your gut and don't be afraid to step back from a situation that feels manipulative or overwhelming,” she says.
A desperate attempt to salvage a relationship
Sometimes, the person isn’t intending manipulation or control. It could be a sign of desperation, to salvage a thinning relationship, explains Emily Haliday, an Abu Dhabi-based relationship therapist. “When a person realises that someone doesn’t feel too strongly about them, they try to do whatever they can to win the other person. Love bombing isn’t always subtle manipulation; it could also stem from fractured self-esteem, deeply layered insecurities, where someone could fear losing another. As Bitar explains, they could be seeking validation too.
So, they’ll try to buy them back with flattery, gifts, or lavish praise. It’s also a desire to be liked, loved, and appreciated. That’s why some people go overboard, not realising or accepting that the other person is feeling awkward, uncomfortable, and trapped.”
How to address the problem
The psychologists lay down some suggestions on how to tackle the problem of love bombing:
Recognise the signs: The first step is awareness. Note the signs. If you see these red flags popping up, act.
Set boundaries: This is crucial. Love bombing thrives on a lack of boundaries. Be clear about your needs for communication, time alone, and the pace of the relationship. Communicate these boundaries firmly, but calmly.
Don’t be afraid to say no: It's okay to decline gifts, constant texts, or pressure to spend more time together than you're comfortable with.
Trust your gut: If something feels off, listen to your intuition. Love bombing can be confusing, but a healthy relationship should make you feel secure and respected, not pressured, or overwhelmed.
If you’re the love-bomber:
Identify why: Ask yourself why you resort to love bombing. Is it a fear of rejection? Do you have an anxious attachment style? Understanding the root cause can help you address it.
Empathy check: Consider how your actions might be making the other person feel. Would you appreciate someone showering you with affection at such a fast pace?
Slow down: All healthy relationships develop gradually. Focus on getting to know the person genuinely, their interests, values, and flaws.
Respect boundaries: Pay attention to the other person's comfort level. Don't pressure them into spending more time with you, accepting gifts, or reciprocating strong feelings too soon.
It must be mutual: Show genuine interest in them. Ask questions, listen attentively, and be supportive.
