Is your child being bullied? Here's how to heal their emotional wounds first before taking any action

My mother still often asks why I didn’t confide in her about the bullying at school. Back then, I would offer vague, hesitant answers, usually boiling down to: I was afraid and didn’t want to make a scene. When I did tell her before, it led to her stepping in and informing the school principal. At the time, it seemed like the right thing to do, but as a 12-year-old, I feared being ostracised—which, of course, is exactly what happened. So, when the bullying escalated even further, I chose not to tell her, even though that was precisely when I should have. I told her, only when I was safely out of school.

Looking back, I just remember the confusing emotions. What was worse, being bullied and disliked, or being disliked and isolated because your mother had interfered? What do you pick? Of course, I know my mother was being protective, but when fear clouds a teenager’s mind---a teenager who is somewhat desperate to be accepted by people who might just be bullies---rationality goes for a toss.

Perhaps that’s what bullying does to children. It leaves them battling fears, stewing in hurt, resentment, loneliness and a building aggression. So, as many stories of bullying would say: Before any actual concrete steps can be taken to prevent bullying in school, how do you heal the child, themselves? How do you become a safe space for them, and earn their trust?

First, before anything else: You need to pick up on the signs and hear what your child doesn’t say.

The invisible and visible scars of bullying: The signs to watch out for

Quite often, children don't say directly that they are being bullied. Yet, the psychological hurt can be reflected widely on a spectrum from the behavioural to the emotional as well as physical. As Magdalena Karakehayova, psychologist at The Hummingbird Clinic, Dubai, explains: “What can be a major red flag that something is wrong or that something happened, is if a child suddenly changes his or her behaviour for the worse, and you feel as though you can no longer recognise them. This change is sudden and thus can be easier to catch.”

However, this isn’t always the case. There are times where children gradually change their behaviour, and this becomes more nuanced and confuses parents. “Parents might think that it is normative change given the teens life stage, which can make it more difficult to spot,” she says. For instance, Madhushree Bhattacharya (name changed on request), a homemaker in Dubai, regrets that she just believed that her son was becoming a ‘typical teenager’, and turning insolent. “He would either ignore us or just be strangely aggressive, without explanation. So that led to several unpleasant fights, which included him almost running away from the house,” she recalls. It took months of therapy for all three of them to finally understand that he was being severely bullied in school, which had destroyed his confidence. “It took over two years to rebuild his self-esteem again; we had to work on ourselves simultaneously while healing him, because else it could just trigger him again,” she says.

The emotional toll of bullying: Before prevention

In some cases, there are clear indicators that something is happening with your child is if you see any kind of strange physical marks on their body. Bruises, unexplained injuries, or complaints of pain might be an indication that there is something happening, accompanied by changes in sleeping or eating habits, alongside by the shifts in emotional landscape. “If you notice your child isolating themselves from others, losing friends or avoiding certain situations, this might be worth exploring further and keeping an eye on. If a child seems to avoid going places where certain children are, or doesn’t want to participate in social activities anymore, they may be trying to avoid their bully. It is important to check in with your child about these matters if this behaviour arises,” says Karakehayova.

As Karakehayova and Hanan Mahmoud Kandil, Specialist Psychiatry, Medcare Royal Speciality Hospital explain, other signs include, decline in school performance, reluctance to attend school, aggressive or violent behaviour towards siblings or parents, expressing low self-esteem or self-doubt, negative comments about themselves or others, sudden mood swings, and frequent anxiety or fear. Kandil also adds, " There could even be a sudden loss of appetite or overeating as a coping mechanism."

Getting your child to confide in you

This can be a delicate situation, as children are often dealing with inner turmoil, such as the shame of not standing up to bullies and the fear that parental intervention might lead to further bullying or ostracisation.

As both Sneha John, a Dubai-based clinical psychologist, and Karakehayova explain, it's crucial that children feel heard. John stresses that the child needs to be reassured that what they confide in their parents stays between them. It’s important not to press the child for information, especially if they seem to avoid the topic—this could make them feel ambushed. Regular check-ins and cultivating an environment of open communication can help normalise discussions about difficult topics. Over time, this approach makes it easier for children to talk, and they will feel more supported. "In this way, you normalise vulnerability and begin creating a safe, judgment-free zone," says Karakehayova.

You can use open-ended questions like, "How has school been lately?" or "How are things going with your friends?" to encourage conversation. Above all, be patient and non-judgmental. Avoid jumping to conclusions or offering quick solutions—sometimes, children just want to be heard, not fixed.

Both John and Karakehayova emphasize the importance of making sure your child knows that both parents are on the same team. Let them know they aren’t alone in this fight, and that you won’t take any action until they’re on board with it. John also underscores the importance of language: "Be careful about the words you use with your child. Remember, they’re reeling from the effects of bullying. Even in moments of protective anger, avoid using phrases like ‘Why didn’t you…’ as it can only intensify their humiliation.

Navigating sensitive conversations: How parents can support

Kaira Mohit, a 17-year-old from Dubai, remembers feeling extremely nervous and anxious about confiding in her parents about her bullies. “I thought I could handle it, and that I didn’t need to tell them. But it just got worse, because I didn’t tell anyone, and I kept getting bullied. I felt alone. I was failing my exams, and I could not explain to anyone. I just thought that I was old enough to handle it.” Yet, when she finally opened up to her parents, despite their shock and anger, they were kind, and patient, and just listened to her. “I just kept crying, when I told them, something I hadn’t been able to do. That helped,” she says.

When a child finally opens up about their bullying experience, it’s natural for parents to feel a mix of emotions, from anger and sadness to shock and frustration. While these feelings are understandable, it’s vital that parents contain them to avoid overwhelming the child. This will help them feel safe to share without fear of burdening their parents further.

Elena Gaga, a Dubai-based psychologist, suggests that parents first focus on validating the child’s emotions before diving into problem-solving. The child needs to know they’re understood before any next steps are considered. “When a child feels validated, they’re more likely to feel empowered to address the issue,” she explains.

To empower the child, parents can encourage them to come up with their own ideas for how to handle the situation. Asking questions like, “What do you think might help?” or “How would you like me to respond?” gives the child a sense of agency and control over their experience.

Moreover, in some cases, explain why you need to get involved. If you do need to take action, for example talking to school, explain why this is necessary. For example, you could say, ‘I understand you want to handle this on your own, but you’ve been hurt, and I want to make sure it doesn’t happen again. I’ll be by your side, every step of the way.”

Finally, heal the child first, before taking concrete steps

As Sneha and Gaga explain: Before jumping into problem – solving, like confronting the bully or talking to school staff, the parent’s first priority should be helping the child heal emotionally from the experience. “Bullying is a traumatic experience, especially when it’s prolonged or particularly hurtful. Healing the child involves a combination of emotional validation, restoring trust, and helping them rebuild confidence," says Gaga.

During this process, parents need to remember that healing does not happen overnight. Don’t rush them; encourage them to take up activities that help them rebuild self-esteem again, where they feel joy, explain the specialists. The goal is to help them reconnect with things that make them feel proud or competent, especially those things that the bullying might have undermined. It is also important to remind them of their strengths and positive qualities.

Healing from bullying is not a quick fix—it’s a long-term process that requires patience, empathy, and active involvement from parents. By prioritising emotional healing first, creating a supportive, open environment, and respecting the child’s autonomy, parents can help their children overcome the trauma of bullying. It’s through this compassionate approach that children can regain their confidence, rebuild their identity, and ultimately, find peace. Moreover, allow them take an active role in their own healing by asking them how they feel and what they need and also involving them in problem- solving when they are ready.