I did something this week I’ve never done before; I was the person to end it with someone I was dating. There had only been three dates, so it wasn’t serious by any means, but still; it felt like a bit of a revelation. Kind of empowering, in a way.
As soon as I got to Amsterdam, I was set on meeting lots of people. You know how it is, you have to put yourself out there a little more than usual in order to build up a bit of a friend safety net and for people to do brunch with. That’s my excuse for the fact I downloaded a dating app within a few weeks of arriving.
Anyway, I met up with a guy and he seemed very cool. We have a shared sense of humour, he’s into fitness and he’s very on board with feminism, which is really important to me and hard to find. We had three really nice dates and then I got cold feet. Like, icy cold feet. It was nothing to do with him. I just felt like I’d got in over my head. While I thought I was ready for a relationship I realised, I’m not ready for anything at the moment.
I love that I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. I love that I don’t have that love haze that stops me doing the stuff I dream about. I don’t know, I seem to lose a bit of my drive to be fiercely independent when I’m feeling goopy about someone. I lose sight of who I am and what I want, a bit.
When I told people I wouldn’t see him again, they all thought my reasons were nuts. Which, maybe they are. My main reason is: I’m not in the mood. I suppose that might be a bit nuts, but it feels good to know my own mind and to make decisions based on me. I don’t have to explain myself to anyone, and that feels great.
A new country and a new job means a new life, and it’s fun to carve and sculpt exactly what you want for yourself. If something doesn’t fit like a glove, it’s nice to feel the confidence that something more glove-shaped will come along. If it doesn’t; well, maybe I won’t have gloves for a while. I’m not sure the analogy works, actually. But, my point is: there’s no need to try and make something work if it doesn’t get you excited about where it could lead.
Yesterday a guy on Twitter got mad at me and said “no wonder you’re alone” because, obviously, as a woman, the ultimate goal is to find a partner and settle down. Everything else is just desperately searching, right?
I reject all that. Being alone is exactly what I want right now, and exactly why it felt so good to say “this is nice, but it’s not enough for me right now”.
This move to Amsterdam has been the most stressful relocation of my life (what can I say, I’m getting old and set in my ways). I’ve never felt stronger or more independent and I think it’s going to take someone completely rocking my world for me to even consider coupling up right now.
