Champion of equality: Sacha Baron Cohen

It was a day of utterly peculiar pageantry at the Waldorf Astoria Hotel in New York City, with the arrival of Sacha Baron Cohen as if he just a moment ago stepped out of his strange new movie, The Dictator. On an apparent promotion campaign not just for the film but on behalf of dictators everywhere, Cohen entered the room in character and military uniform as General Al Adeen, with his entourage shouting his name.

He spouted tender words for sitting tyrants, while leading an assembled cheering throng along with stern, robotic female bodyguards right behind him.

Have a seat.

Today I wish to highlight the plight of a terribly endangered group. The innocent victims of a global human tragedy. Dictators.

These brave leaders are suffering a daily victimisation and brutality. For the supposed crime of embezzling money, oppressing their people, and doing a tiny little bit of genocide. In recent years, tyrants all over the world have fallen one by one. Saddam, Kim Jong-il, Gaddafi and Oprah. Sanctions are crippling us. Ahmadinejad can't even afford a tie.

The fact is, we dictators aren't all bad. While Western countries continue to ravage our planet's resources, we conserve our land. And conserve it by burying thousands of opponents in single mass eco-graves.

So why did you dump those ashes on Ryan Seacrest at the Oscars?

Well, it's not the first time that he has had an Asian man poured all over his chest. But the reality is, you know I lift it up, and it accidentally falls on him.

But you know, they were not Kim Jung-il's ashes. His son, Kim Jong-un is so fat, he looks like he swallowed his father. And that is because he actually did. So it was the remains of the barbecue.

What Hollywood celebrity do you have the most in common with?

Oh, it has to be Mel Gibson. In fact, recently in Wadiya, we made him our public relations expert. Although he has said some pretty offensive things recently. Like saying that he would work with Jews.

I also have a lot in common with George Clooney. We are both champions of equality. You know, in my country women have the same rights as men. Absolutely none!

How do you respond to accusations that you are the world's most glorious and wise leader?

You've got me. I have no response. Thank you for that fair and unbiased question. Next!

What do you think of the US film industry?

Well, I love American films. Particularly their fantasy films. Like Lord of the Rings, or Schindler's List.

I am also a fan of Sherlock Holmes. There is always a great twist at the end, where they solve the case. I never see that coming! But my favourite film ever was from 1963, and features JFK in Dallas.

But there are difference between the Wadiya industry and Hollywood. People say that I am extravagant for using twenty trillion bottles of FIJI water every day. But am I the person who greenlit John Carter? Believe me, there are bigger bombs than John Carter! When it comes to making films, I am a purist.

I demand the highest standards. I don't rely on CGI. If I need the thousand villages to be driven off a cliff, I make it happen!

Who is your favourite fellow dictator, and why? Please.

Well, it has been a tough year. We have lost a lot of good people. And I have lost a lot of good friends. Gaddafi, I miss you. Also, Kim Jong. And of course, Chavez died last month. Oops, you did not hear that from me. Okay, Chavez is fine. It's just a coincidence that he hasn't turned up for about two months. Okay, you cut that one out or I cut your toes off!

And Ahmadinejad is still around, but he is an embarrassment. I mean, he looks like a snitch on Miami Vice. I mean, why does he not wear a tie, does he think every day in Iran is casual Friday?

What are your pop culture guilty pleasures?

When I am not watching my people, I am glued to my couch watching the television. My favourite shows are Wadiyan. We have our version of Two and a Half Men. It used to be Three Men, but one of them tried to steal a grapefruit.

Also, I love the TV programme 24. But we play it backwards, so it has a happy ending!

Which US presidential candidate would you endorse?

Well, I would say Santorum. Despite his liberal views. But since he is out of the running, I don't know. In terms of policies, I would have to say the Republicans. If they could only become a little less extreme. I mean, there are some real double standards. You know, what people call genocide in my country, is called judicial system in Texas.

But in terms of getting into power in America, I would have to support the Democrats. If they can enable a Kenyan to become president, then why not a Wadiyan!

You've had much sorrow in your life, your mother dying in childbirth. And all your brothers died accidentally. So how do you deal with these traumas?

Yes, my mother died in childbirth. Of strangulation. My father also died, in a tragic hunting accident. When he was accidentally hit by 97 stray bullets. And he also had a terrible allergy. He was allergic to grenades. And my uncle is dying in a helicopter crash. Later on today. It will be very sad.

What do you have to say to your critics out there, who label you a tyrant?

I would say... Thank you! Also, could you please give me the names and addresses of the so-called critics. And their routes to and from work. I'd like to give them a magnetic gift. It attaches to the underneath of the car.

How do you plan to ensure that democracy will never, ever take over your country? And why do you feel that you will succeed, when so many other dictators have failed?

Well, my people, they don't want democracy. They love me. And I have many signed confessions to that effect. I am like a father to my people. Quite literally to about 1,800 of them. And besides, our version of government is much more efficient than yours. Democracy is the worst. Endless talking. And everyone's vote counts, no matter how black or crippled or female you are.

So is it true or just a rumour, that you've been banned from British TV?

Oh, yes. It's true. The BBC has issued sanctions against me. They have banned me from all the BBC channels, and also the BBC radio. It's true.

Look, nobody is a bigger fan of the state sponsored censorship, than me. But the BBC went too far. All I wanted to do on the BBC, was use their air waves to promote my anti-West, anti-Zionist platform. And quell those nasty rumours about the Holocaust.

You've been with so many celebrities, but who is the one that got away and that you really want to be with?

Ah, listen. They never get away. They try. But without their passports, it is difficult. Sure maybe they hop the wall of my disco, but there is no escape from the desert. Within hours, they shrivel up until they look like a mugshot of Lindsay Lohan.

When you heard your girl Megan Fox was pregnant, did you say congratulations to her?

Yes, congratulations to her. There are rumours that I am the father. But this is literally impossible. And if she is pregnant, so is Heidi Klum, And also, Donald Trump. He does anything for money!

You hear about rulers flying in entertainers to perform, all the time. What entertainers would you fly in, and why?

Well, a number of years ago I had Tupac Shakur. He played at my birthday party. And all the time he was telling me, "Put your hands in the air, and wave them around like you just don't care." How dare he order me what to do with my hands! So in the end, I had to get rid of him. And also Biggie Smalls, he ended up eating half the buffet. It was €80 [Dh 373] per head, it cost me a fortune.

What are your favorite things to do in New York City?

As far as the tourist sites, I love to see the Empire State Building, and the Statue of Liberty. But while I am here, I am helping my friends by undoing the sanctions that are put on them. And I'm buying stuff for all the other dictators that are banned from coming here.

Is there anything about Russia that you would like to introduce in your country?

I love the government's policy of taking your shirt off for state sponsored events. Every time I turn on the television, there is a picture of Putin half naked. I got his Christmas calendar this year, and he is topless in every month. June, he was bench pressing a protester. Angela Merkel sent out a topless calendar as well. Ecch, I wanted to put my eyes out.

And congratulations to their dictator for his new term.

Why do you believe in dictatorships?

Yes, it's the way. With democracy, you don't get anything done. Look at this country. Obama is always trying to do stuff, and nothing gets done. Better to have one guy doing the wrong thing, but at least getting it done. Then you can't complain.

Are you a more dangerous dictator than Hitler ever was, and if so how?

Wow. Sorry, I'm getting a little choked up. I mean, it's one thing to be called Hitleresque. But to be in the same discussion with Hitler, wow. I feel like I finally made it!

If Benjamin Netanyahu and Ahmadinejad would have a fist fight, who do you think would win?

Who would win? Well, I think Ahmadinejad. He would nuke Netanyahu. Oh, of course his nuclear programme is entirely for peaceful purposes.

No, don't wave goodbye to me. We're not friends. Sit down! Okay, death to the West. We have Rolexes for you. Enjoy, enjoy. And as long as you write good reviews, your families will be released! Enjoy.