Jacinta groans when her phone rings for the third time in an hour. She knows it’s going to be her friend Judy to give her an update on her marriage. All was going well until her husband started arriving home late, hiding his mobile phone and deleting all his texts. Now Judy is suspicious, and she analyses everything he says and does to try to gauge what is behind his strange behaviour.
Usually a wonderful listener, Jacinta feels her energy sapping, and she is tempted to let the call go to her answerphone. But Judy is a good friend, and Jacinta recognises she is hurting and needs someone to talk to.
“I’ve got to the stage where I cringe every time the phone rings,” says Jacinta, a 39-year-old tutor. “I hoped I might share the burden, but when I asked Judy if she was turning to any of her other friends, she told me I’m her confidante.
“She says her other friends are for going out and having fun with and I’m the one she comes to with problems, because I listen to her and make her feel understood.”
Jacinta and Judy are the perfect example of how we designate our friends. According to experts, we have up to ten different types of friends to suit different occasions, the mood we’re in, and what we want from them. If we’re feeling sociable, we call a lively, outgoing friend, but when we want a quiet night in, it’s the sympathetic listener we invite round.
We all play different roles – we can be caring mum one minute and confident career woman the next, a determined athlete on the one hand and a karaoke diva on the other. Because there are so many aspects to our personality, we need different types of friends to meet our needs at certain times.
Mark Maitland, a confidence coach and creative psychotherapist says, “Our friends mirror aspects of ourselves. They all have their different roles. It’s like going to a mirror when we need something. We choose the friend who matches what we need.
“When a part of ourselves has a need, we search for it in others. For example, if the outgoing side of our personality feels as if it’s been left behind and a little neglected recently, it will steer us toward our sociable, party-loving friends, who will in turn bring that side of
us back to life.”
Here, Mark describes six different types of friends to Friday. He outlines their main traits and suggests ways they can develop to avoid being pigeonholed into this category in future.
The Role Model
The Role Model is a positive friend with an interest in self-development. You can talk through your ambitions and share ideas with her.
You probably met at work or at the school gate when your children were younger, and you may work in different areas, but you soon discover you think along similar lines. She may be higher up the career ladder than you, and you might look up to her and be keen to follow in her footsteps.
She will always have ideas about new courses you could do, or self-help or business books you might both read. Very open and helpful, she is usually happy to share her knowledge and give you any help you need.
TIP: If you have a Role Model friend, don’t let envy creep into your relationship. We sometimes start off admiring someone, then get jealous and miss out on the good things that come from the friendship, because we’re so wrapped up in petty feelings.
If you are a Role Model, try not to boast about your success, money and material possessions. Don’t throw your good lifestyle in people’s faces. Recognise where people may be struggling, and help without lecturing.
The Confidante
She is a good listener; supportive, non-judgemental and she remembers details. It’s obvious that not only is she listening to you, she’s also interested in what you’re saying.
You turn to her when something is troubling you. It may be an emotional issue about a relationship, or something that’s happened to your child at school. You’re not looking for professional advice, just a listening ear and someone to share your problem with.
Often just talking to this friend solves your problem. You may come up with an answer yourself, or she may give you a different perspective on the issue and solve everything.
You go away from talking to her feeling fulfilled.
TIP: Respect the Confidante and realise that she has her own life too. Going round to her home to chat about a problem with a cup of coffee is one thing, but persistently phoning her to talk about yourself is another. Resist the urge to call her at four in the morning or every ten minutes throughout the day – you could end up draining her emotionally.
If you are a Confidante, set some boundaries. Make sure your friends know when you’re available to take calls and how long you have. Ensure they listen to you occasionally too, so the arrangement is two-way.
The Drama Queen
Everything is big for the Drama Queen. She starts sentences with, “You’ll never guess what happened today!”.
If she’s given the wrong change at the supermarket, she will kick up a fuss and then enjoy telling all her friends every last detail. If you phone her for a chat, there’s always something going on in the background and often she gets you involved.
She goes from one crisis to another, sees everything in black and white and is often inflexible.
The Drama Queen wants the world to notice her. She wants to be important and have a sense of value.
TIP: If you have a friend who’s a Drama Queen, she may be entertaining at first, but over time you will feel drained by her. Don’t encourage her to tell you tall stories – stick to the facts and move on.
If you are a Drama Queen, ask someone to film you when you’re reacting to a crisis or an adventure, which may actually only be a trip to the shops. Ask yourself if you feel comfortable reacting like that? Eventually the drama will run its course and you might end up quite lonely.
The Whinger
This friend complains about everything, is oversensitive and is difficult to have a healthy relationship with. If she goes to an event, she picks faults with it as soon as she gets there.
Whingers were often hurt when they were younger, and they have grown up with a very negative view of the world. They have an unconscious desire to be saved.
TIP: If you have a friend who is a Whinger, beware! They will drain you emotionally. Tell them they seem very down or depressed, and suggest they get some expert help such as psychotherapy or counselling.
If you are a Whinger, recognise that it’s unhealthy to moan all the time. Get some help, talk through what happened when you were younger and try to change your perspective of the world.
The Party Girl
She’s always up for a good time and often suggests nights out, weekends away and holidays. Her life seems easy and it’s all about fun. If you go round to her house, she has music on, and she always looks fabulous, even if she’s just going to the supermarket.
Party Girl is very popular and well-connected. She studies celebrities’ lifestyles and wants to be like them. She may go to parties all over the world, and she networks everywhere she goes to ensure she stays on the guest list.
Money never seems to be a problem for her, and if it is, she borrows funds so she can continue her VIP lifestyle. She may eventually burn herself out by too much partying.
TIP: If you have a Party Girl as a friend, enjoy the fun and meeting new people, but don’t try to keep up with her and encourage her to relax once
in a while. If you are a Party Girl, make sure you’re not putting parties above spending time with your real friends. Examine your lifestyle and check you’re not overdoing the late nights. Try to switch off, because if you keep living your life at such a fast pace, you are at risk of long-term depression and stress-related illnesses.
The Old Friend
We can be ourselves with the Old Friend. You can relax with her and feel comfortable in her company. You laugh and joke together and she knows most things about you.
You may have met at school or university, or worked together when you were younger. She might know your other friends and you may know each other’s families.
This could be a long-distance friendship, but every now and then you call to catch up. She’s a valuable friend, because she understands you, and when you’re together, it feels like you’ve never been apart.
TIP: If you have an Old Friend, remember you’re both different people at 40 to who you were at 20, and you may be at a different stage of your life. Don’t drag out get-togethers – if you went on holiday with her for a week, you may be disappointed.
If you are an Old Friend, don’t try to recapture the old days – you’ll just end up hurt and disappointed. If you’re going to have fun together, it will happen naturally.
