"Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind, and therefore is winged Cupid painted blind..." says fair Helena in A Midsummer's Night Dream, echoing a sentiment long held by many poets, bards and philosophers. To some love is indeed blind, to some it is an ‘eyes wide open' euphoric experience and to others it is a natural characteristic of human nature.
Whatever it may be to an individual, collectively, this emotion has defied simple explanation, linear logic or a straightforward definition. What it represents is a mystery so dazzling, magical and transformative that there is great appeal in its repetitive pattern.
But what is the exact nature of love? Are relationships preordained? What really happens when we fall in love? Should love put us on cloud nine? And where exactly is cloud nine? It is true that at one point or other in our lives we all manage to leap onto cloud nine? One thing's for sure, even the most hopeless romantic could not possibly find this cloud's location on the heart's map.
These, and many more questions, have often been asked about the most happening and discussed phenomenon in the world.
In today's world where electronic tablets are well on their way to becoming the hippest accessory and communication is but an excuse to show off these latest gadgets, is the language of love becoming archaic? Is ‘luv u' the same as ‘I love you'? Can somebody please step in and even try to explain this ever so complex emotion?
Enter James Epstein, a Harvard-educated behavioural psychologist and the former editor-in-chief of Psychology Today. He has an interesting theory on love. Unlike poets, bards, incurable romantics, philosophers and online love gurus who have tricks and tips that range from the esoteric to the absurd, Epstein keeps it simple. He says that when two people who like each other want to turn like into love and marry, they can achieve this goal, deliberately and consciously, if they follow the techniques he has mapped out.
Yes, that's all it takes to make this magic happen, and anybody can do it. Much like the SMART objectives taught in management goal-setting, love, according to Epstein, is specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and time-based.
Dr Epstein, who is writing a book called How People Learn to Love and How You Can Too, formulated the theory after he went through a divorce with his first wife. "I was motivated to learn more about love because of my own disappointments. I've read up on relevant scientific studies, collected my own new data and have been studying people from different cultures around the world who have, over time, built love into their arranged marriages. I've also been able to use what I've learned to enhance my personal life."
Dr Epstein is now in a successful second marriage but says he has learnt the hard way never to discuss personal details.
Prior to his second marriage, as he researched the fundamental laws of love, he came up with empirical evidence to support his theory that love could indeed be orchestrated.
We do not need to ‘fall' in love, he says. A couple planning on marriage can actually work on strengthening their bond. Interestingly, after his marriage ended and he was single again, he met a lovely lady from Venezuela who volunteered to be his subject after hearing of his rather amazing theory.
When she put his theories to the test she realised that she was genuinely in love with him in a matter of weeks! However, the happy ending - marriage - did not happen as she hoped because, for reasons beyond her control, she had to return to Venezuela.
Undaunted, he decided to test the theory on other volunteers. In his report on how to fall in love and stay that way, published by the Scientific American Mind, Dr Epstein talks of a lecture he delivered on love at San Diego University.
During the class, he asked eight people to participate in his experiments which involved practising his strategies .
At the end of the experiment, volunteers reported a modest 7 per cent increase in the way they felt towards their partner volunteer, but a whopping 45 per cent said they felt a sense of closeness with their (volunteer) partner.
Since then, Dr Epstein has conducted many experiments with volunteers and thinks that if two individuals who like each other want to take their relationship to the stage of marriage and love, then they can succeed if they follow his strategies.
A simple feeling
He feels we have, over the years, complicated a simple emotion - love - by studying it as though it were a science. According to him, "Love is not really that complicated - at least not in its pure, healthy form. Love is a state of mind in which you have strong, positive feelings for someone, and in which you want to be near that individual and you want to protect him or her. The rest is just poetry".
He not only believes that ‘like' can develop into ‘love' using his strategies, but he also thinks that those who are in a happy marriage can deepen their feelings for each other.
It can help make marriages far more lasting, and it can give people a true understanding of the real nature of love.
The idea that love is an emotion that grows well when nurtured and nourished with specific strategies is one of the fundamentals of Dr Epstein's theory.
In other words, his methodology, which can work to orchestrate and heighten feelings, is like building a symphony, in which the composer arranges notes in exactly the places he wants in order to make his composition pitch perfect. Once the symphony is perfected, it can be replicated.
Like a master composer, Dr Epstein has a grasp of this ‘many-splendoured' emotion. Some of his strategies, he says, have traditionally been used in cultures that follow the tradition of arranged marriages.
"I talk about "Three Fundamentals of Suitability", which are important at the beginning: Availability, Attraction, and the Absence of Incompatibility (or "deal breakers"); the "Four Pillars of Lasting Love," which help create a strong foundation (Commitment, Realistic Expectations, Deep Knowledge, and Seven Essential Skills); and I talk, as you know, about many powerful techniques for deliberately building love over time. I don't think love needs to be, or should be, left to chance.
"I've developed a scientifically-validated test which measures essential relationship skills, all of which can be learnt. And I will soon release a new compatibility test that quickly identifies the "deal breakers" that can destroy a marriage," he says.
The ‘deal breakers' can be issues like distance. This was the issue with Gabriela, the lady from Venezuela.
"Circumstances are certainly important,'' he says. "That's why I've been working so hard over the past three years on my new compatibility test (which will be available soon at AreWeGoodTogether.com).
"When I first met Gabriela, there was a political situation in Venezuela which made her want to move to the US. But soon after we met, the situation back in Gabriela's native country returned to normal and she got an excellent job offer in Caracas which she accepted.
"With both of us wanting to live in our respective countries, it did not work out.
"Love is important and beautiful, but it doesn't necessarily ‘conquer all'. I never imagined that it would. The real question is: can two people who agree to marry through an arranged marriage then set about creating a bond of love which will sustain their marriage? The answer is YES.
"It is obvious that instead of hoping to fall in love, two people who are even vaguely fond of each other can turn their friendship into true and lasting love and get married following this formula.''
It appears that he does not think of love as a spontaneous emotion in the way that most human beings see it. Us romantics out there think we simply lose control of our senses when overcome by the emotion.
To think that Dr Epstein's theory has the potential to bust the romantic allure of legendary pairs such as Troilus and Cressida and Romeo and Juliet just breaks my heart!
He makes light of this whole issue by saying: "The whole point is to give the rest of us a decent chance of creating a love every bit as intense and poignant as that in those classic tales. We can make fairy tales real. What people sometimes interpret as spontaneous love, even if they don't really know each other that well, could turn out to be an illusion."
Building relationships
An important aspect that he puts emphasis on is that his strategies will work only if both parties are interested in building their relationship.
"The techniques work best when both people are thinking along the same lines. When there is an imbalance in feelings, the techniques will be helpful only if the person who doesn't presently feel much love is open to the idea of strengthening the bond. But in these cases the techniques, while they will help feelings to deepen, will not help get rid of any imbalances.''
While many people might want to question Dr Epstein's ‘formula based love' he remains totally convinced of his theories. At the same time he is realistic when it comes to grasping the reality of what love is.
"Actually, most of the anguish comes when love is lost, not when love is felt. The deep, intense, beautiful feelings of love are every bit as real when you build love deliberately as they are when you stumble on to love accidentally.''
But the difference lies in the fact that when you learn to take control over love, you experience far more happiness as opposed to when you fall in love spontaneously.
If love can be such a deliberate and orchestrated emotion, how does one explain the chemistry or attraction that we have often talked about between two people?
"The chemistry idea is vastly overrated," he answers.
He doesn't think that love has to be built upon the feedback of our five senses.
There are times when a married couple have to live apart owing to job relocations, transfers, etc, but their bond can remain strong provided there is the willingness from the husband and wife to work on their long-distance relationship.
Many counsellors in the US have begun using Dr Epstein's method to get married couples to bond better with each other.
Whether you accept his ideas or not, there's no doubt that Dr Epstein compels us to look at love in an entirely new context.
