A friend said something scary to me yesterday. I mentioned how busy I feel all the time, but how I never seem to get everything done. She said: "I'm starting to think that's just how life is."
She just said it as an off-the-cuff remark, but it made me grow cold with realisation. The thought of feeling as though I'm treading water and only just managing to keep my head dry — for the rest of my life — is petrifying.
No matter how much I take on, I can still think of more I would like to be doing. Every moment I'm resting, I wonder what else I could be doing to make life more complete. I don't want to look back and regret wasting my time. I want to have stories to tell about the time I camped in Mongolia, went partying with an international rock band or helped Cambodian children learn to swim. So far, I've only done one of those things but if I keep active and in-the-loop, maybe I'll manage them all.
In the meantime, I'm also trying to make the most of everyday experiences I'm having now; living in an exciting city with exciting people. I have the kind of moments I love most days. For instance, yesterday I had a conversation in bad Thai with my neighbour's daughter who had broken her shoe. Today she and her brother showed me a dead baby lobster from their fish tank. Which reminds me; I must learn the Thai for "that's disgusting", I only know "weh", which roughly translates as "ick!" These experiences make me feel alive. When I have those kinds of moments, I can't think of anywhere else I would rather be.
But to have those moments with the frequency I want them, I have to be out and doing things. Even if I'm exhausted and my body just wants to rest, I feel wasteful of a precious day. A day inside watching films is a day of living life to the fullest lost forever. You'll never regret not watching enough films in life (except if you're on a tie-breaker question in a game of Trivial Pursuit), but you may well regret not spending a day chatting with Thai children about dead crustaceans.
So, the key is to remain busy. I want to have stories to tell. I want to wring the most out of these few years we have on a planet that's full of so many potential adventures. I suppose it's an insatiable lust for life that makes us feel inadequate all the time. While it's hugely frustrating, I suppose if I didn't possess it, I would be happy to spend the day lazing in bed or never leaving my hometown. Not being entirely happy with your lot pushes you forward and makes you achieve more; whether that's changing your career, encouraging you to learn a new life skill or finding out how to say "please take the lobster away from my face" in Thai.
I guess we can never feel like we've been everywhere or done everything, but if we did, we wouldn't have that appetite to throw ourselves at life and see what it offers us in return.
