Do you realise you can manipulate relationships in a good way? By planning ahead, you can defuse a lot of tension that might be building between you and the other person.
To do this, figure out how to move the conversation and activities in a different direction.
For example, your marriage maybe at the exploding point. Every time you talk with your spouse, you can feel the shadow of divorce lurking over your shoulder.
Or, every time you meet your sister for lunch, you might feel the negative conversation she’ll initiate about her son who is on drugs. If you hear one more word about Junior’s unfair stay in jail, you’ll scream. Not only are you certain your nephew is guilty of many things, but you’re also certain he’s destroying your once-close relationship with your sister.
If you’re at the point whereby you can’t tolerate spending time with someone, take a step back and try something new. You hold enormous power to change the chemistry of a tense relationship. How? Try figuring out some good experiences you can have together.
“My sister lost her job six months ago,” says a woman we’ll call Jill. “To put something new on the table, I made a small photo album of old pictures to show my sister about a month ago. I steered the conversation to our college days, so we could talk about something besides her bleak unemployment picture. I also scanned all of the pictures into her computer, and we dined on some take-out food I’d brought. Before long, we were really enjoying ourselves.”
Jill says her visits with her sister have been tense for months. “All we’ve talked about is my sister’s mean boss who fired her. Now, I’m taking control by moving her towards other activities. For one thing, I’m planning a three-day trip for the two of us. Our conversation is now getting healthier.”
If you know someone who has a lot of problems, you have to remember that you can’t fix those problems. You can, however, give the person some new good feelings to grab hold of. Plan some entertainment or activities that will help your friend or family member refocus on something that’s pleasing.
“I got into an awful rut when I retired,” says a military officer we’ll call Paul. “All I did was grieve over my hopelessly boring future and share my weary thoughts with everyone. But one day, my grandson brought me a beautiful puppy that came from the same litter as his new puppy. He instructed me that we were going to train our dogs together and have a great time.”
Paul says this simple act of kindness from his grandson changed his perspective. First of all, it gave him lots of new conversation with his grandson because they were now raising “identical twin dogs”. They began spending time in the park together and time on the phone every day talking about their puppies.
If you feel a certain heaviness in the air when you visit your mother, an old friend, or a neighbour, try inviting this person to go out for a drive and dinner. Bring that person a small gift and turn up pleasant music on the radio. Changing a few small things will infuse some good feelings into the time you spend together.
Los Angeles Times
