Every time she buys herself a new designer skirt or an expensive handbag, Sophia feels a stab of guilt. She earns a good salary as an events organiser and she isn’t spending money she doesn’t have, but her guilt strips her of all pleasure.
“My mother was widowed very young and left with four small children,” confides Sophia. “She never had any money for herself. She always put us children first, going as far as giving us the last piece of fish and just having vegetables herself, or using the money she had saved for new reading glasses for us to go on a school trip to a theme park.
“But she always made sure we knew about her sacrifice, so from my early teens, I started to feel guilty if I ever got the things my mum didn’t have. Even now, at 38, I feel I shouldn’t be spending on myself. In fact, I have to make an effort to do anything nice for myself – my first thought, like my mum’s, is usually for others.”
Sophia isn’t alone. According to psychologists, we’re all products of our upbringing. The way we are parented affects our characters, view of the world, the way we live our lives and how we parent our own children. With mothers traditionally being the main carer, their parenting style is the prime influence on us as we grow and develop.
For many of us, good, positive mothering results in well-rounded individuals who grow up with self-esteem, confidence and a love of life. But when our mums have problems or personality quirks, or even just a distorted way of seeing the world, this can affect us in many ways. Often it’s only when we look back on our childhood that we realise what a profound effect our mothers’ behaviour had on us. Like a jigsaw piece falling into place, we realise that we’re afraid to take risks because our mums filled us with fear and dread, or that we want to travel the world in our forties because we shouldered our mums’ problems.
“I think there are six different types of mothers,” says core counsellor Julia Armstrong. “Some mothers will have traits from two or three of the categories but most sons and daughters will be able to identify the main category their own mums fit into. Recognising our issues is the first stage in changing. Unfortunately many mums have no idea that they’re smothering their child, or crushing them with criticism. They just think they’re being protective or caring, or that they’re encouraging their child to do better. Yet their behaviour could well have lasting effects.”
Julia outlines the six types of mums and the effects of each parenting style on children, and she shows us how we as parents can break free from the negative traits associated with each.
THE SMOTHER MOTHER
This mum sees the child as an extension of herself rather than a person in their own right and when she tells them off, she says: “You’ve let me down,” and “I’m disappointed in you.”
Smother Mother asks about the child’s life in minute detail. When the child gets home from school, she will pounce and want to know every detail of their day.
She drops them off at events and picks them up so she can see their friends, she organises their social lives and she urges the child to tell her everything. She doesn’t let the child travel alone. When they’re older, she organises their work experience and holiday jobs and even helps them revise for exams.
When they’re adults, she pops round every day and may well end up living with them.
The effects
The child grows up with such a strong commitment to their mother they find it hard to form intimate relationships with other people. Because they have spent so long being controlled by their mothers, they often have difficulty expressing their feelings. They often go into a profession their mother chooses because they have never been free to make their own decisions. They still run all decisions by Mum, which infuriates their husband or wife. As adults, if things go wrong, they run back to Mother.
Help!
Smother Mother can start by examining her motivation for wanting to control her child.
She may see herself as loving and caring, but if she looks at the relationship from the child’s point of view, she will see she’s suffocating her son or daughter.
Pursuing an interest that she feels passionately about will help her connect with her own life and take the focus off her child for a short time. If she has friends and interests, this will help her when the child leaves home – a time when she would normally feel completely bereft.
ENVIOUS MOTHER
This mum may have grown up with very little, so if she can, she will give her child all the opportunities she never had.
Her child will have a packed diary of music lessons, sports fixtures, arts projects, reading groups, trips abroad – everything Mum never had the chance to do.
She will revel in her children’s glory when they have the lead role in a school production, or when they’re performing a musical solo, but she will expect gratitude. If the children take these opportunities for granted, she will accuse them of being ungrateful and will get angry. She’ll eventually start criticising the child. If the child earns good money, she will find fault with the way they spend it. She’ll criticise their friends or their partners or the way they dress.
The effects
These children often pursue a musical instrument or sport or foreign language to excellence, then they rebel and give up because they are being bombarded with criticism. They feel there is no way they can please their mum and they know that no thanks are ever enough for her.
Their confidence gets eroded over the years and they grow up very confused because their best wasn’t good enough. Even though they had every chance going, it has left them feeling something is missing in their life.
Help!
Envious Mum often reaches a crisis point when she asks herself: “Where’s me?” or “What about me?” She can start by thinking about her own dreams and goals.
If she always wanted to learn tennis as a child, she could join a club and sign up for lessons instead of urging her daughter to excel at tennis.
If she was hopeless at maths or French at school, she could join an adult education class. She could climb a mountain, write a book, do a long-distance hike, run a marathon, learn
the violin or sing in a choir – anything as long as it fits in with her dreams and she’s doing it for herself.
THE CHILD MOTHER
This mum wants her child to parent her and take responsibility for her life.
She is often a single parent and she tells her child all her worries, no matter how private.
If she meets a new man, she will discuss him with the child, much as she would discuss the relationship with a girlfriend.
She’ll tell her child intimate details of her relationships and she will even ask the child for advice.
If she’s anxious about money, she will share the worry of her finances with her child.
She debates problems and presents the child with dilemmas to solve for her.
The child will be honest and open, and Child Mother will appreciate that, so she will heap even more pressure on the child to help her sort her life out.
The effects
Children don’t have the maturity to deal with their mothers’ problems at such a young age and they grow up feeling that they have never been allowed to be young and have fun.
We often say these children have an old head on young shoulders and that comes from always having to listen to Mum’s worries. These children grow up believing they are their mother’s best friend and when Mum gets a new friend or partner, the children get very jealous, and can try to make their mother’s life very difficult.
When they have a partner and children of their own to support, they can become depressed because there is no end in sight to their responsibility.
These children are most likely to have mid-life crises and go off travelling or make a drastic career change as they search for the fun and freedom they never had when they were young.
Help!
This mum needs to take responsibility for her own life and some good adult friends to chat through her problems with.
If she had one or two good listeners to turn to, it would take the responsibility away from her child and give that child the space to be young and carefree.
If friends are hard to come by, she could see a counsellor or therapist.
She could also give the child the chance to discuss their own problems and a lot of love and reassurance, especially when she, the mother, makes new friends.
YUMMY MUMMY
She’s gorgeous, she’s sexy and everyone loves her, from the other mums at the school gate to the boys in her children’s class. She always dresses well, she takes a huge pride in her appearance and she’s usually the height of fashion.
However, if this high maintenance doesn’t come naturally, she may be riddled with insecurities and will put her appearance above everything else. If she is so self-obsessed, she will be too busy flicking through celebrity magazines to get tips about the latest looks to take more than a passing interest in
her child’s life.
She will miss out on the children’s holidays because she is having liposuction or cosmetic surgery or she will be away with the girls at a spa. Her diary will be full of playdates – but not for her children. They’re her beauty appointments and dates for shopping trips for more clothes!
The effects
Yummy Mummy’s children will be confused because everyone else loves their mother, but she’s not often there for her child and she certainly isn’t the perfect mother everyone thinks she is. Her children can be embarrassed by her, especially when she wears skirts way too short and tops far too low. When they’re older, the children get jealous if their mother hangs out with their friends.
Help!
If Yummy Mummy is just making the best of herself, and is a brilliant mother, there’s no problem with liking fashion, beauty and cosmetic surgery. But if she isn’t being true to her real self, she needs to question her motivation and face up to her fears – whether they’re centred around getting older, losing her looks, or people not liking her for who she really is.
ABSENT MOTHER
This mum is never there. She’s usually in the office until late, or away on a business trip, or staying in a hotel and she misses important occasions such as birthday parties and parents’ evening at school. She organises childcare with nannies or nurseries and expects them to mother her children.
When she is at home, she’s on her mobile or her computer, working late into the evening, missing meals and bedtimes. She says: “Not now, I’m busy,” and she never knows anything about her children’s lives because she never listens. She couldn’t tell you the names of her children’s friends or their teachers and she has no idea how the children are getting on at school.
The effects
These children grow up feeling neglected by their mothers and to compensate, they develop strong relationships with nannies or childcare workers or other friends’ mothers.
They’re envious of other children whose mums are interested in their lives and seeing close families makes them feel even more abandoned
and unloved.
Help!
Being an absent mum can work if this mum is 100 per cent there for her child at specified times.
If she can promise her child that she will be all theirs on Sunday afternoons, for example, or they can phone her at 7pm every evening to say good night, then the child will handle her being so busy the rest of the time.
When she is with the child, she needs to listen and remember what they have told her. Creating special times together will make the child feel important to her, but she must put the effort in when they are together.
SELF-SACRIFICING MUM
This mum is a martyr. She plans her life around her children. She gives them all her time and money, and she ends up feeling exhausted with no energy, time or money for herself.
She ferries the children around by car, gives them different meals if they don’t like what the rest of the family is having, does all their laundry and ironing, and bails them out if they have money problems or if they can’t get a job.
She sighs a lot and she’s the one who reluctantly does the flowers for church or bakes cakes for a fund-raiser. She doesn’t look after herself and often ends up overweight with shoddy clothes, appearing much older than she actually is.
The effects
The children enjoy the benefits of a self-sacrificing mum for a long time. They love having their laundry put back in their drawers and their meals put on the table for them. They often stay at home until they get married, because Mum makes their life so easy and comfortable. They often don’t get jobs – why should they bother if Mum will bail them out? Boys usually look for a martyr as a wife so she can carry on looking after them. Eventually they may tire of Mum’s sighing so they will avoid her, leaving her resentful.
Help!
This mum needs to look after herself and her body and realise that by neglecting herself she is a poor role model to her children. If she developed a fitness plan or a new hobby such as photography, this would shift the emphasis from caring for others to caring for herself. Her children would then start to treat her with respect rather than as a housekeeper and doormat.
