A frustrated mother who came to see me last week was up to her neck with complaints about her 17-year-old daughter. Apparently, the girl seemed to be up at all odd hours sending messages on her phone, skyping with unknown people and not dressing appropriately. She was uncommunicative and sullen, and preferred to be holed up in her room rather than spend time with the family. This teen had plans of going out of the country for further studies and the mother was convinced she would not be able to cope staying alone and fall into bad ways. According to the mother the girl had all the traits of a rebellious teen and felt she was on the verge of losing her child forever.
The mother told me how hard her husband and she worked to raise their kids and she found her teenage daughter oblivious to their hardships. She did not want to be part of the family business and was too preoccupied in frivolous outings and social media obsession.
Of course there is always another side to such stories, which comes out when I have a session with the concerned child. The girl revealed how she did not feel a part of the family, how her parents were always busy and hardly had time for her. Her father loved her, she knew, but he compensated his lack of time with gifts. She craved his attention and not the gifts, like the latest phone he gave her. She would have preferred spending time with him even though she liked the gift.
When she tried to voice her anxieties or issues to her mother, she would burden her with her own woes. All that the stressed mother would do is to tell her she needed to grow up and help out instead of whining. Every issue she raised was turned around so that the mother’s “sacrifices” and “bad parenting” became the centre of attention.
The daughter’s obvious response to all this was distancing herself from her family seeking solace in the world outside. She told me she craved for her mother’s and father’s attention and understanding. She wanted to be able to open up and communicate freely with them, instead of them offloading their burdens on her. She felt they did not trust her and any step she took was looked at with suspicion.
When I spoke to them together the mother exclaimed that she wanted her daughter to understand her first — her burdens and her issues at work — and then she would hear her daughter out. I pointed out to the mother that she was the adult in the relationship and could not expect a teenager to comprehend the same way. She had to be the role model to the child and she needed to listen and understand, only then could they salvage their relationship.
The daughter readily accepted to going to bed early, reducing her phone time and dressing to reflect the culture and values of her family. But had some simple requests in lieu — “listen to me without judgment; try and understand what I am saying; and please be polite and don’t snub me”.
Do you think these are unreasonable demands? This is what almost all kids want from their parents and are also the real reasons which lead to breakdown in communication and sourness in families.
— Sunaina Vohra is a certified Youth and Family Life Coach at Athena Life Coaching in Dubai. For more information log on to athenalifecoaching.com or call 056-1399033.
