BMW X6M Hamann: An adorable SUV

1.638875-257200354 — Standard 555bhp X6M does 0-100kph in 4.7 seconds. Hamann’s version pulls in a 4.2-second run. For a 2.4-tonne SUV, that’s stupendous speed. Image Credit: Christopher List/ANM

Personally, I cannot think of a crazier concept for a car than 600 high-strung horses trapped in a lumbering SUV body weighing a, frankly, wasteful 2.4 tonnes.

The only things that should weigh near two-and-a-half tonnes are Rollers and Bentleys. A so called ‘coupé' sportscar? You're having a laugh…

Hey, look at me! Come on, look at me already!

When the X6M, tarted up by Hamann but wearing AC Schnitzer rims, arrived on the back of Abu Dhabi Motors' flatbed, I went a bit red in the face. There were people around, you know, and they must've assumed it was my car, back from its cosmetic visit to the body shop.

The X6M was never pretty, but with arches wide enough to form temporary homes for disaster survivors, and wheels so large they have their own gravity fields, the X6M by Hamann (and a bit by AC Schnitzer…) is positively terrifying. This thing is borderingon illegal levels of ugly.

But what do I know, because taking into account how many thumbs up I got from guys in chromed-up (plastic chrome, naturally) Tiidas and Civics, it seemsI'm the odd one out. Everyone actuallyloved the Hamann X6M on the roads, no, they absolutely adored it.

Driving this car is also the fastest way of turning a soft-natured person into an all-out psychopath. It's so easy to place, and so quick to turn (for an SUV) that you'll be taking gaps as if you're in a Mini Cooper S.

You will never get used to the high driving position, which will always feel simplyout of place in such a powerful, flat-cornering car, but you'll push hard most of the time anyway. Especially since the cavernous twin-pipes out back shoot out lava, I think. The engine is a volcano — a blown 4.4-litre V8 peaking at 6,000rpmand benefiting from the least amount of lag in any turbo around. Hamann has raised the power to 600bhp from the standard 555,so there's no shortage there.

It's the throttle pedal that's the issue, not the engine, when it comes to response. But being in M mode sorts that out, a bit, providing you with more instantaneouslava flow when you prod the loud pedal. The steering feels weird too. Yes, the X6M is wide, long and tall, but somehow it wraps around you giving confidence. Yet the steering is the weak link, being electronically assisted, or should I sayover-assisted?

Positives attract

Somehow I think that if you're attractedto this sort of car, you're buying it more for its in-your-faceness than the fact that it'san SUV and seemingly more practical. I don't see anything more practical about an X6M than a 5 Series, or even a3 Series which matches the big M for rear legroom and headroom.

With its rubber-band tyres and low ride-height thanks to the bodykit, you won't be keen to ramp up kerbs. So everything extra that a regular X6 gives you, basically the ability to climb a kerb, is lost on this car.

So do I get it? Not really. But BMW doesn't care, neither does its M division, and certainly not Hamann.

Customers who buy this don't want a sportscar. They just want the biggest, baddest, loudest, latest thing out there. They don't come more hardcore than the Hamann X6M, and the thumbs up and jealous glances do it for a lot of people, I guess. So I can understand the pull of owning one.

There's also the undeniable fact that whoever wears the white coats in the M room is bloody good at his job.

Turning a behemoth such as this so close to a true M experience would've been unthinkable a few years ago, but they've done it and made an SUV handle, go and stop (the latter being its least good facet, 2,380kg dry, remember) like a sportscar.

Although of course, you could just buy a real 2+2 sportscar and get even better acceleration, handling and stopping, aswell as almost the same impracticalitiesof a Hamann X6M.

Another slight problem, besides the looks, the hard ride and relentless noise, is thatit's not actually all that fast. Certainly notas fast as the exhaust growl would suggest.

The new Porsche Cayenne Turbo feels quicker, tighter, more purposeful, but still possesses a better ride quality, more usability, better fuel economy and it's 250 grand cheaper… And even managesto look elegant next to the X6M.

Of course, elegance is not that important some people — people who will only settle for brashness. For them, there can only be the X6M by Hamann.

Specs & rating