Jack, 53, a businessman, is sitting in his office feeling like a doormat. The boredom of his job is rivalled only by the ennui of his marriage. He's in the throes of an internal debate over whether he wants to retain either. Conflicting voices assail him all the time, not allowing him to work on either.
Jack's case history is borrowed from a psychologist's diary, but this is not to suggest that it is in any way unique. In fact, his is a common male condition.
"This [feeling of conflict] is just a part of being a family man today," says Ellen Galinsky, president and co-founder of the New York-based Families and Work Institute (FWI), and author of more than 45 books and reports. "For generations, the division of labour was clear-cut. Fathers were breadwinners, mothers were chiefly in charge of the children, and if anyone had to leave work to take Junior to a doctor's appointment or attend a parent-teacher conference, it wasn't likely to be dad."
But times have changed. Two studies have been conducted in the US on this subject - one by the FWI titled the ‘The Male Mystique' and another by the Boston College Center for Work and Family (CWF) called The Fatherhood Study. CWF's survey conducted in the US earlier this year found that 56 per cent of employed fathers say they frequently take time off for child-related tasks, and 68 per cent of dads with jobs say they've experienced "negativity or problems" with bosses over conflicts between work and children. Of those, 57 per cent say this has happened "multiple times".
The verdict: Men are experiencing increasing work-family conflict, more even than women.
"We knew this has been coming for a long time now," says Galinsky. She's referring to a study conducted in the US through the Seventies. The National Study of the Changing Workforce conducted by the FWI found that in 1977, 34 per cent of employed men living with at least one family member reported that their work and family responsibilities conflicted with each other "some" or "a lot." By 2008, that number had climbed to 49 per cent. And for fathers in double-income families, their work-family conflict had increased from 35 per cent in 1977 to 60 per cent in 2008, while that of mothers in such families had stayed statistically the same, at 47 per cent.
"Imagine, fathers' work-family conflict at 60 per cent, and mothers' at 47 per cent!" says Galinsky. "I remember the very first time I shared these findings... It was at a seminar of business leaders who focus on work-life and workforce diversity issues. The business executives at this seminar laughed. They were so focused on the fact that the advancement of women into executive ranks appeared to be stalled that a concern about men and their work-family conflict seemed like a joke."
But for Jack, who's juggling with work-life conflicts on a daily basis now, it's no joke. "[Conflict like this] is no longer the exception," says I. Hefland, a US-based psychologist. He invited Jack to a weekend retreat for a joint therapy session with three men who are experiencing similar conflicts.
"I want to have some fun. It's been a long time," says one.
"Think about your wife and kids," says another.
"Yeah, but have they ever thought about you?" queries the third.
The three men voice the feelings of Jack. By voicing each fear, Hefland and his clients are making up scenarios that could help men like Jack release pent up emotions.
Conflicting messages
Society bombards men with messages about how to behave as men, which conflict not only with each other but often with the demands of daily living, says Dr Raymond Hamden, Dubai-based clinical and forensic psychologist and director, Human Relations Institute, whose book Balanced-4-Life: Before Burnout is to be published this year. The message a guy gets is that real men keep a leash on their emotions, a message confirmed by Jack. And that could suffocate his work as well as his family life.
Max Tuttle, a PR expert based in Dubai, concurs: "I think the roles of men today are less well defined than before. I would imagine the stress on both men and women has increased because of that."
Tuttle feels the push-pull of work-family conflict has cramped his performance in both spheres. "Definitely, I experience work-family conflicts pretty regularly," he says. "Employers expect more from workers than ever before, often an unreasonable amount. Deadlines are tighter than they were. Technology, while it's so useful and handy, has contributed to the increase in work-family conflict. Bosses now expect responses within 20 minutes whereas ten to 20 years ago things would have had to wait until the next day.
"Now, you are seated at the dining table with your family and your BlackBerry or iPhone goes ‘ping' - an email update - something your boss considers urgent or critical and there begins your work-family conflict."
"The American workforce is different than it was even five years ago," observes Galinsky. "In the majority of families where both parents work full-time, the pressure for fathers to succeed both as professionals and as parents is greater than ever."
And this shift is not confined to the US. A global study on men and work-life balance in 2010, co-sponsored by the US companies Workplace Options and WFD Consulting, found that ‘finding time to spend with family was the top concern voiced by fathers in almost every developed nation'.
Dr Hamden concurs. "This may surprise most expatriates, but the experiences of my professional colleagues at the Human Relations Institute seem to corroborate the same or similar statistics," he says.
Anthony Peter of Panasonic Dubai feels that the work culture in this region is very different. "I think... here the work expectations are much higher than in any other part of the world," he says. "In Europe, for instance, I find the work culture much more relaxed. There is more of a work-family balance, or so I perceive.
"[But] rather than blaming it on the workload, I feel we should look at ways of working around the problem. Let's face it, the work is not going to decrease, and family obligations are not going to go away either. I do have the same pressures, but I try to see that I maintain a balance between both. We need to prioritise our responsibilities.
"Self-discipline is the key, I feel. I try to take short breaks to fulfil my family obligations and also to rejuvenate myself."
The 2008 study suggests that men really want to be more involved with their children and families. Today's fathers are spending more time with their children than those in the past (say, the 1970s). What does this say about popular perceptions about men?
"Fathers are typically expected to be less involved due to time away from family hours at home," says Dr Hamden, "but he will schedule time to go to school activities, children's sports and will then add the same hours at work. Again, this gives the impression that he is spending more hours at work than at home."
Can men really have it all?
A growing number of men are now suffering from the seductive promise that they can have it all: the comforts and rewards of family life, a job that brings satisfaction and a salary large enough to support the family, and freedom from conflicts from the demands of each. That's the conclusion of a new study by the FWI.
"Because many males are taught to deny or internalise their feelings, anxiety can be difficult for them to recognise, admit to, or cope with," says Dr Hamden. "It can be viewed as a sign of weakness, of losing control over situations they too often expected to have."
By denying or trivialising a problem, it often gets intensified until it becomes overwhelming. "Men need to recognise and admit to their feelings as a sign of insight rather than weakness; this can involve overcoming the conditioning of friends, family, and society," says Galinsky.
Today, more men define an ideal man not only by his ability to support his family with his work, but by his role as an active and involved father, spouse or partner, and son. And economic realities have conspired to make that balance even harder to achieve: escalating job demands, greater job insecurity, and boundaries between work and home life that have broken down. Is such conflict a part of being a family man today where the division of labour is not clear-cut any longer?
"Most commonly, balancing problems is an individual choice," says Dr Hamden. "Men are to provide and protect for their family. Psychologically this can mean working long hours to make money so the family can enjoy a better quality of life. Many times this can be at the expense of himself and his family - too little time with spouse and children and certainly little time to participate in the family dynamics."
The other aspect is that such dithering is viewed as a sign of weakness, of losing control over situations males are too often expected to have; they are expected to ‘be strong'.
"Fathers [male species] are to provide and protect, mothers [female species] are to nourish and bond," Dr Hamden points out the classic position. "Both can do both functions, but each gender will have a relative focus for balance within the family. When each becomes imbalanced, conflict begins. Women may be resentful that the husband may expect the home matters to be handled [better]. Men may feel incompetent in thinking that they are not good enough as providers and protectors of their family members."
Dr Hamden recommends self-analysis at this point. "It is human nature to not accept the guilt but blame the partner. Therefore, resentment sets in. Underneath resent is guilt. When you feel resentment, ask what you are feeling guilty about."
"Most of the fathers in our 2011 study aspire to share equally in care-giving with their spouse/partner, but often are unable to bring this desire to reality," says Dr Brad Harrington, executive director, CWF, and a research professor in the Carroll School of Management, who conducted the The Fatherhood Study. "Fathers need time to develop parenting skills, but in the United States, they don't have it. The fact that men don't bear children is obviously an unchangeable biological fact. The fact that men don't rear children is not."
The problem, he feels, is men do use flexible work arrangements, but predominantly in an informal manner. "A surprising percentage of fathers in our study did use flexible work arrangements with flexible hours and tele commuting being the most common; however the vast majority did so in an informal fashion."
The study also found that reduced hours/part-time work is not an option fathers utilise. "We found that 76 per cent of the respondents were interested in higher-level positions in their organisations and more than 58 per cent aspired to a role in senior management," he says. "So, the use of reduced work hours was virtually non-existent."
A supportive culture
A family supportive culture reaps multiple rewards for fathers and their organisation, says the study. "A supportive culture where the employee is respected as a whole person has been shown to have beneficial impacts in study after study," says Dr Harrington. "Job security matters greatly to working fathers."
He advises that fathers examine their care-giving goals in light of their career goals. "The idea that women can have it all, or at least have it all at the same time is not tenable," he says. "Neither is it for men."
Men should consider taking more time off after the arrival of a child, he says. "As we have noted in the study, the experience of fathers in countries that offer generous, extensive paternity leave suggests that fathers who take more time off early in their child's life will have a higher likelihood of being a hands-on caregiver than fathers who do not."
The study concludes that fathers need support, from the organisation as well as co-workers. "We feel that organisations and their cultures need to change if men are truly going to embrace their role as care-giving fathers," says Dr Harrington. "As has been made clear in this study, work-family is no longer simply a women's issue, men are also struggling to find their own work-family fit."
And that change will lie in the hands of men, he says. "Most organisations and their cultures have been created by men, for men. They are built on assumptions about family responsibilities that are no longer valid in many instances. Because men have created workplace cultures and norms, and because they continue to control the vast majority of senior management positions only men can truly change most workplaces.
"Men need to attend to this whether from their influential positions as organisational leaders or through grass-roots efforts."
Inside info
For more on the New Male Mystique research, visit http://familiesandwork.org/site/research/ reports/new malemystique.pdf
