Ali desperately wants to run a marathon, but he has delayed signing up because he’s changing jobs within the next year and he may have to move house. Instead of training, Ali, a 27-year-old store manager, spends long evenings on his sofa watching television or playing games on his computer.
Kristin, who’s 34, would love to write a chick-lit book, but she doesn’t feel happy enough to write one at the moment because she’s overweight and unfit. She tells herself that one day when she feels slim and happy with her body, the words will flow, but until then, she remains disappointed with herself for being heavy and unproductive and she raids the biscuit tin.
Both Ali and Kristin are stuck with the when/then syndrome. Ali believes that when he’s moved house, then he’ll train for a marathon and Kristin tells herself that when she has a better body image, then she’ll write that best-selling novel. Most of us have, at some stage, put a project on hold until we’re slimmer, richer, happier or just in a better place.
Yet, according to experts, the irony is that by being proactive and taking the action we’re putting off, such as writing ten pages of our book every day, running 10km three times a week, doing the paintings for our exhibition, or applying for that new job, we would be putting ourselves in a better frame of mind to achieve all of our goals.
If Kristin got on with her writing, she would probably feel more fulfilled and less likely to binge on the sugary foods she craves. Running would make Ali much fitter for his house move and new job. From the outside, postponing our goals seems ludicrous and the old adage that ‘there’s no time like the present’ is so true. “We live in the future all the time, rather than being in the present,” says Suzy Greaves, a life coach. “We need to ask ourselves how we can be happy the way we are right now. Maybe we need more fun, more joy, more creativity?
“We can ask ourselves how we can have some more adventures right now rather than waiting until we’ve earned $1 million, or we’ve met our ideal partner, or we’re the head of a multi-national business empire.”
Suzy says we don’t find inner peace by searching for it, we have to create it ourselves, but to do so, we need to change our mindset. Once we’ve done that, we’ll stop wishing our lives away and we won’t focus on a time in the future that will be perfect – because we’ll recognise that our present is good enough, just as it is.
Here are her top ten tips for ending the when/then syndrome once and for all.
Do nothing
“Many of us don’t stop to relax throughout a normal day,” says Suzy. “We’re busy with work, looking after children, seeing friends and doing chores. Take 15 minutes out of your schedule, make sure you won’t be disturbed and do nothing. As you sit, become aware of your thoughts about doing nothing. Some people will feel guilty that they could be starting on that presentation for work, or playing with their toddler, or visiting their mum, while others will think they’re lazy anyway. Being aware of your thoughts is the first stage to finding peace.”
Note down your thoughts
Get a pen and paper and write down your thoughts for five minutes without judging them, censoring them or trying to make them more interesting. You may think the room you’re in needs decorating, or your hair’s a mess, or you could have made a better curry last night. It may be more serious. You may fear you have an illness, or you’re going to lose your home or that life is a struggle.
“By doing this, we get used to observing what we think about and then letting the thoughts float away,” says Suzy. “You become the observer of your thoughts rather than being in them. You realise that your thoughts are just a story you’re telling yourself. Once you disengage, you can decide on a new story to tell yourself.”
Act as if…
Choose one thing you would like to believe about yourself, and then act as if you have that quality for a day. If you want to be successful, dress, walk and talk like a successful person for 24 hours. If you want to be treated like an executive, wear a suit, not your battered old flip flops with denim shorts.
“Make it your minute-by-minute mantra to tell yourself you’re a creative genius, or you’re a writer, or a great athlete,” says Suzy. “You’ve been thinking the other way for a long time so the new thinking will seem awkward at first, but it’s worth persisting.”
Create an evidence wall
“I believed I wasn’t a good enough writer, so one day I pinned all my articles and features on a wall,” says Suzy, who used to be a health journalist. “Seeing them all in black and white made my old belief crumble, and reinforced my new belief that I was good enough.”
Start with ten pieces of evidence and build up until you have 100 items that prove you’re good, smart, or intelligent enough. By creating a new focus, you’ll start uncovering more and more evidence until the new belief sticks.
What’s your pleasure?
Some people love sitting watching television all day, or shopping, or playing computer games, but these kinds of activities can be unhealthily addictive, and can lead to other problems such as depression, lack of fitness and debt.
Suzy says that research has shown activities that give us the most happiness and a sense of peace are ones that we enjoy and ones that require 100 per cent focus.
“Activities like writing, learning to ride a motorbike, doing karate or needlepoint will make us happy,” says Suzy. “If you join a choir, then for at least an hour a week all you will think about is singing and you will love it! The same goes for a dance or music or art class. These activities enhance your life.”
Trigger those feel-good hormones
Endorphins are the natural feel-good hormones that relax us and give us a sense of well-being. The great thing is, we can control them ourselves. Here are five easy ways to trigger endorphins:
- Think about someone or something you love – maybe your son or daughter, a grandchild, your partner, your dog, your football team, or your friends
- Have a nap and let your body slump
- Exercise for 20 minutes
- Go for a walk, connect with nature and appreciate the scenery
- Be kind to yourself and treat your body as you would treat a child or animal you love
Slow is good
Change pace and slow things down. Have a lie-in or a duvet day with your children. Instead of rushing from A to B, just do one thing and enjoy doing it slowly, whether that’s baking a cake, or reading your book, or taking your children to the park. Skip the film and pizza afterwards – don’t cram everything in! “We often believe that fast is best, but there are so many things that are best done slowly,” says Suzy.
What does your diary say about you?
Look at your diary and decide what type of person you are. Maybe you like to be constantly busy and out and about, packing your days with appointments, lunches, meetings and parties, or maybe you love spending time with your family, enjoying time at home or the beach.
“I now keep all my weekends free,” says Suzy. “That way I can be spontaneous and just do the things that appeal to me at the time.
“Look at the things you’ve done out of a sense of duty. If you visit your in-laws every weekend, maybe you could go once a month and your husband could take the children to see them on his own now and then. Learn to say ‘no’ to requests that don’t make your heart sing.”
Accept every emotion
“Many of us run away from negative emotions,” says Suzy, “but true peace means surrendering to the sad and happy parts of our day, letting emotions pass through us like waves. Our emotional state is very fluid. Accept that you will feel sad, mad or glad at any given time.”
Your mantra should be: ‘This too shall pass’ – and don’t analyse every single emotion. Observe them, identify them and let them float away. Don’t grab an emotion and overanalyse it, or you will become embroiled in it.
Once you’re on the road to peace and contentment, try not to resort to old thinking patterns
- Don’t make your happiness conditional – For example, ‘I’ll be happy when I’m thinner.’
- Don’t pretend you’re someone you’re not
- Don’t spend all your time trying to make someone else happy
- Don’t strive to be perfect
- Don’t compare yourself to others
