Fine to be alone, not lonely

Loneliness is a by-product of painful experiences, such as a loss of or separation from a dear one. But sometimes it is a person’s choice to get away from the madding crowd to reaffirm his or her individuality.

“Everybody needs interaction,” Dubai-based independent clinical psychologist Suzie Hachez says. “This link with the outside world is healthy. Exchange of ideas, feelings and experiences gives pleasure and makes the person feel that he or she is part of a community. When one is alone and not looking forward to interacting with others, they will feel very lonely and emotionally shattered. They grow to become very sensitive, shy and underconfident because they lack the positive nourishment that people need to feel good about themselves,” Hachez agrees. “People who’ve had abusive parents, have experienced war or been mistreated are broken mentally. Some are not even prepared to come out again, afraid they won’t be understood.”

Long working hours can also lead to loss of relationships, Helen Williams of www.dubaicounselling.com says. “Without the time to invest in human relationships, people can become isolated and lose touch with reality, believing that work is the prime goal of life. Many a time it is the fear of loneliness that sets up spiralling patterns of constant activity which eventually separates us from ourselves,” Williams says. “Biologically, we are all tuned into love — to love and to be loved. Although many struggle with the idea, the notion and the concept of loneliness, there is a very big difference between being lonely and being alone.”

Times have changed

Though they’ve not completely been eradicated, the times when children played together and adults met to chat and support each other have considerably reduced. This lack of social time can also be due to technological advances.

“People often choose to withdraw from the social sphere preferring to chat on the internet, researching, etc. This is scary. Technology helps people connect faster but it does not help them socialise physically with others. These people tend to replace relationships with machines. Friends teach you things that you might have not known or forgotten. True friends will give honest advice and criticism when needed, which is more subjective from the parents point of view. It helps a person grow, mainly socially,” Hachez says.

Vicarious interaction

“Addiction to the internet has created a new breed of people who interact vicariously with each other,” Williams agrees. “It is possible to become so isolated in this way that face-to-face friendships feel impossible to cultivate or maintain. Friendships empower us with love, and fulfil our needs for attention and validation.

“Humans are social beings and community is our way of life. As the poet John Donne said, ‘No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.’”

Is it then possible for such people to pass on their mental state to their offspring? “Loneliness is not hereditary but if children are not exposed to others, they may feel that it is normal to be with themselves,” Hachez says.

“This is often the case with single-child families. Often the parents were an only child and feel it is OK to be with oneself. Some do grow out of this due to social interaction at school.”

“Loneliness tends to be a learnt response as we are influenced by our social conditioning,” Williams says. “Families who isolate themselves tend to produce loners. However, our personality types also determine our need for others — whether we are extroverts or introverts
Though there are no studies proving that women are more susceptible to loneliness, both Hachez and Williams agree it’s been seen in women. “There are no studies saying that loneliness is affecting more women then men. But it has been recognised more in women. They are not shy or scared to talk about it with friends and family,” Hachez says.

“Because women are more emotionally aware they tend to fear loneliness more than men. Often men isolate themselves through punishing work schedules and fail to recognise they have few friends,” Williams says.

To avoid oneself from reaching this state, Williams’s advice is to “take time out every day to enjoy your own company, to find peace within yourself and to cultivate your inner emotional strength. By learning how to be content alone, one can cease to fear loneliness,” Hachez says.

Tips to avoid loneliness

Suzie Hachez advises:

II Encourage a communicative environment with family and others through social interaction, such as parties.
II Being alone is good but not always. Interact with children and make them interact with the rest of the family.
II Ask your children to go shopping for you so that they get used to social interaction.
II Join a group activity, such as sports or arts, early in life.
II Young adult group activities such as sports, crafting, mosaic group or book club will help people meeting others. Joining a gym or becoming member of a club helps to meet.

Social clubs in the UAE

Most expatriate communities have their social clubs in the UAE. We bring you a few art, entertainment and lifestyle related ones you can subscribe to:
II Dubai International Women’s Club
Call: 04 3442389
II Dubai Rowing & Sculling Club
rowingindubai@gmail.com
II Art of Living Foundation.
www.artofliving.org
II Int’l Business Women’s Group in Dubai Lunch meetings every second Monday of the month and breakfast meetings every last Monday of the month.
Monthly meetings: contact Sue-Sharyn Ward ibwg_dxb@emirates.net.ae
II Jebel Ali Sailing Club Lessons in sailing, kayaking and windsurfing
h2osport@emirates.net.ae
II ngo Dubai
Contact Paul Bradley www.tangodubai.com

Readers Speak

“I hate to be away from my family and friends but there are times, especially after a work day, when I wish people would leave me alone. I think these moments are very essential to maintain my sanity.”
— Maggie, Dubai

“Love and friendship are very important to one’s existence. At the end of the day, we are all social animals and want someone to discuss our problems with, share our happiness with and to walk side by side with, through this journey called life.”
— Carlos, Sharjah

“Being lonely and being alone is very different. Some people simply enjoy being alone because it gives them time to retrospect. I love talking to and discussing issues with myself so I can come to a decision. But I don’t have to necessarily go away from my family to do it. I can do it while I’m doing the dishes or laundry.”
— Anil, Dubai

“I’d been alone for so long, it became part of my life in a way that I didn’t even notice it. My husband passed away when I was a young woman, leaving me with a daughter. Bringing her up was what kept me going. Of course, my work as a designer helped greatly. But when my daughter went away to college, she left an immense void, which I feel difficult to fill. Now I wait for her holidays so we can be together.”
— Jane, Dubai