Q: My husband, our toddler and I flew across country to visit my sister. When we arrived, my toddler started having daily temper tantrums. My sister’s wife was passive-aggressive about it, rolling her eyes and commenting to her dog: “I’m not going to let you walk all over me.” I apologszed but said tantrums are normal after a long trip. Do I bring it up again?

A: People not used to day-to-day toddler interactions may make all kinds of faces during temper tantrums or explosive diaper incidents, some of those faces more obnoxious than others. I can understand it didn’t make you want to nominate your sister-in-law for sainthood, but it’s just one of many quirks that family members might have, and over time you’ll need to learn not to take it personally.

You did the right thing by broaching it, but save your energy and let it lie. With time and experience, your sister-in-law may get a reality check, or may not. View her intolerance like a tantrum itself: an understandable attempt to exert control in a strange new environment - in this case, a little human invading her house.

Mr. Wonderful? Highly doubtful.

Q: I’m engaged to a wonderful man, but we’re not really friends. I just don’t bother to bring up certain things, mostly because he lectures me for hours and views everything negatively. I feel like I’m not being me because I keep things to myself. He doesn’t like my best friend, so now I feel even more cut off. I really want stability for me and my child but feel I’ve made a big mistake.

A: So he’s wonderful, right? In what way - his sparkling teeth? He’s unsupportive, negative, defensive, unresponsive to feedback, isolating and makes you feel that choosing him was a big mistake. If somehow that equals desirable “stability,” then I wonder why you’re selling yourself so short.

What makes you possibly think you don’t deserve a more supportive relationship, with a true partner who values your opinions, listens and understands you in the ways you need and respects your right to have friends even if he doesn’t necessarily like them? If you can’t recognise your own need for something better, think of your child - and what you want them to learn about how relationships should be.

 

Andrea Bonior, a Washington-area clinical psychologist, is author of The Friendship Fix. For more information, see www.drandreabonior.com. You can also follow her on Twitter: @drandreabonior.

Washington Post