Dubai: Scenario 1: He has the TV remote control in his hand and is channel-surfing. She asks him to go back to the channel interviewing her favourite actor. He agrees but continues to do his own thing. She objects and accuses him of being a control freak. Angry, he throws the remote at her and storms out of the room.
Scenario 2: He spreads humus on a piece of pita bread and leaves the knife on the kitchen counter. She comes in, takes one look at it and erupts in anger. “What’s the big deal, it’s just a knife,” he says. “Yeah right, I’m tired of cleaning up after you,” she shoots back. What follows is a full-fledged spat between the two.
Scenario 3: He wants a new luxury car, she thinks the one they have is just fine. He’s a spender, she’s a saver – and it isn’t the first time they argue over what they should and shouldn’t be buying.
High rate of divorce
Married couples may be all too familiar with such situations, but if you happen to be in one of them, it’s time to reflect on your relationship before it is too late.
According to official figures, the UAE sees up to five divorces every day, with the number in Dubai alone shooting up from 1,255 in 2013 to 1,978 in 2015.
Actual divorces apart, a Dubai-based communication and educational consultancy Chrysalis C&C reckons the number of couples whose marriages are under some form of stress could be far higher. To address the burning issue, it has roped in a global authority on relationship management and drawn from its research-based findings at its “love lab” to help make marriages work.
Dr David Penner, clinical director of the Seattle-based research organisation Gottman Institute, said: “The role of women in society and within marriages is undergoing a huge change in many parts of the world. This is true within marriages as well. With more women working full time, the roles of partners become less clearly defined.
"This has the potential for both greater connection and more conflict as historical assumptions are challenged, sometimes out of necessity. Old beliefs, values and ways of doing things often change slowly and clash with new ways. On the positive side, this creates an opportunity for couples to define what they want their respective roles to be about how they care for their children and how they manage household responsibilities.”
He said Dr Gottman, who has researched thousands of couples’ conflicts over 40 years, found that what’s most important for the marriage is that the partners perceive that there is fairness, affection and generosity.
“If for instance the wife believes her needs are respected, the relationship is strengthened. If she feels her needs are dismissed, the marriage will suffer. As with other areas of marriage, it is crucial that couples learn and develop ways to openly talk about their differences without blaming each other in order to work collaboratively to figure out a system that more or less works for them.”
Escalating hostilities
Dr Penner said couples should recognise that underneath a complaint is a longing. “This requires each to call a time-out from their escalating hostilities and see their own and their partner’s unmet needs and then talk about them openly and non-defensively.”
He said research-based tools have been developed by Dr Gottman to help couples do this and uncover the deeper need, and find ways to respectfully navigate through these issues.
Even in financial matters, Dr Penner said, “It’s the meaning underneath the financial arrangement that matters most. The management of money within a relationship can have many different meanings.
"Some examples include power, independence, control, responsibility, a sense of freedom, self-reliance, security, trust and for some, it’s simply about what’s most practical. There may be many more meanings. All these may underlie what appears to be a straightforward decision on joint vs separate finances that is much more complex.”
He said Dr Gottman advocates seven principles based on trust and commitment for a relationship to last. They begin from building “love maps” and sharing kindness and admiration to turning “towards” rather than “away” from each other, developing a positive perspective and managing conflict. It entails making life dreams come true and creating a shared meaning.
Fergi Varghese, partner at Chrysalis C&C, said he plans to bring experts from the Gottman Institute to Dubai soon to hold workshops for the benefit of couples facing relationship issues. “Given what is known about divorce and marriages under stress in the UAE, their system would help couples find a timely balance before the marriage can crack,” he said.
