Someone at the Mini Coupé John Cooper Works (JCW) launch in Munich asked me what car I would be, if I were a car. Usually my big mouth has a wise answer to everything, but this stumped me. Of course, I'd love to think I'm a dead ringer for a Ferrari 288 GTO, but the truth is I get wheezy if I climb one flight of stairs. I'd love to be a Porsche 911. Unfortunately, over the course of my life, my looks have actually changed. Maybe I'm a lumbering SUV, but surely I can't be that stupid. And because I can only think of one thing — cars — perhaps I'm something ultra-focused and specialised like an E30 M3. But that car was born for a reason — racing homologation — whereas when I was born I decided the best way to enter the world would be bottom-first.
So I'm still stumped with the impossible question. But what if you asked a car who it would be if it were a person? Who would a Mini Coupé JCW be? It would have to be someone like Ken Block; young, successful, enterprising, chic. What can't that man do? What can't a Mini Coupé JCW do?
At one point during my test drive on the spaghetti (or should I say ‘spaetzle') roads of Bavaria, one uncharacteristically flat and straight piece of tarmac suddenly and simply disappeared to the left over a blind crest. It called for much too abrupt steering before the suspension even had the chance to compress and bring back some traction. No sweat. Well, at least not from the car.
Immediately after the left-hander, the road plummeted into an abyss and towards a hairpin you'd normally need a three-point-turn to get round. I tried to kick a hole through the firewall mashing the brakes, as the car's rear end swung out with the sudden weight transition since I hadn't even straightened the wheel yet. With a quick counter, still hard on the brakes, the confused rear fish-tailed the other way, so by the time I turned into the hairpin it all happened with an unintentional Scandinavian flick.
Of course it was still much too fast and I was rapidly understeering towards the obituary pages, but it turns out lift-off oversteer isn't just loads of fun, it also saves lives: a stab of the throttle right back again and the JCW tightened up back into line, like nothing ever happened. It all lasted maybe four seconds, but I was busy watching a flashing movie of my life with a very sad ending. A few sweepers down the road and I inhaled again. Damn that felt good… But this JCW might have a screw loose.
I've never driven a front-wheel drive car that's so utterly mad. And since when do front-drivers, for that matter, wag their tail every time a set of quick directional changes are needed? Some S-bends coming up? You better prepare your best Keiichi Tsuchiya impression.
With the Coupé JCW, Mini's turned an understeer-prone but fun little hot hatch into a fearless lion-tamer that, for its first trick, goes straight to sticking its head in the cat's mouth. I told you it's mad.
Mini's done this using three best-known tricks of the trade: chassis work, better balance and more downforce. As the first two-seater in the brand's ranks, it's obviously slightly longer than the hatch and much lower. With the customary MacPherson struts at the front axle and a multi-link rear, all the engineers had to do is tune the damping rates slightly to match the improved weight distribution, and add some sturdier anti-roll bars. But because the Coupé is curiously based on the Mini Convertible, the rigidity of the chassis was more of a priority. The team actually managed to stiffen it up to the point that it's sportier than the hatch chassis, while adding only 25kg over the cabrio's total kerb weight. It's still lighter than the hatch though.
We are aware that there are plenty of white-coats in Munich who know chassis inside out, but the Coupé JCW's star-power comes from its significantly lower centre of gravity — look how steeply raked the windscreen is, and check out the super-narrow glasshouse topped by a lightweight roof — and optimised weight distribution. There is now more mass hanging over the front axle helping the driven wheels clamp down onto the road. But turn-in response isn't sacrificed, as the Coupé darts in as if it just left Phil Taylor's hand. Then, to make sure the back end doesn't just act like a bob at the end of a pendulum (too much), Mini went with the BMW Group's first ever active rear spoiler.
Yet, in slow corners, you still need to be mightily aggressive, sawing at the wheel and bobbing the weight between the sides to counter any understeer (you can't dial it all out). If you use the back end's instinctive tendency to swing, the JCW becomes one of those unexplained insects that scurry along a pond's surface. I always thought front-wheel drive cars reward smoothness, while it's the rear-drivers that don't mind messy lines. But the Coupé is into arson and vandalism, stuff like that. Seriously Mini, who was your influence here?
So I'm loving this little beast and I haven't even got to the power part yet. Well it's the same John Cooper Works engine we all know and love, meaning it's a 1.6-litre direct injection turbocharged four-banger worth 211bhp at 6,000rpm. That's 500rpm before the red needle starts knocking its limiter into submission. Mini's learnt a thing or two from its racing Challenge series, so the Coupé JCW gets an aluminium cylinder head, reinforced pistons, a modified turbocharger…
But it's not the 6.4 seconds it takes the JCW to reach 100kph from rest that impresses, it's the mid-range punch from the 280Nm of torque offered anywhere in the rev band. Peak torque starts twisting at the wheels pretty much from just over idle, so that you can power up a hill in fifth out of what should be a third gear corner. And perfectly matching the Coupé's wild characteristics, 211 horsepower just means you can be at ten-tenths even on your way to the shops. A Ferrari or a GT-R will give you a thrill every now and again, but show me where you can drive those at even seven-tenths on a public road.
This Mini will mentally drain you with the level of involvement it provides, but at least you'll be exhausted with the satisfaction that you absolutely caned the little hooligan. Of course, the car will just be sitting there going, "Is that all you got?"
That's how it mocked me, so I jumped back in for another session on Mini's makeshift airfield race track made up of vicious slaloms I can barely negotiate on foot, long sweepers taken at 200kph, and a brave hairpin. I say brave, because Mini's track designers obviously weren't worried about understeer. And rightly so. But after countless laps on the damp track I finally pulled back in. Not to be mocked some more by the Coupé JCW, but for a much-needed rest from the flat-out antics.
After stepping out of the car I couldn't possibly not notice the steady plume of smoke rising through the cross-spoke wheels. Doh, I didn't complete a full cool-down lap. At least I didn't park and pull the handbrake up, like a proper noob. Thing is, while lapping the brakes never sagged and the pedal stayed firm throughout the session. Mini has designed new air-cooling ducts for this car, and there was no noticeable loss of stopping performance even as they were obviously — exhibit A: smoking brakes — starting to give way. So that's good.
Verdict
It's the popular kid in school, it's the jock, it's the nerd, it's Ken Block, it's whoever you want it to be, it's a part of you. The Mini Coupé JCW shrink-wraps itself around its driver and tags along for a ten-tenths joyride you can't find anywhere this side of a street-legal go-kart. And let's not bring roofless Caterhams or bodywork-less Ariels into this, please. We're talking about front-wheel drive funboxes, and this one packs the most entertainment in a two-door body.
Talking about packaging, the interior doesn't even feel cramped despite having no back seats and a much lower roof. Mini designers did a sort of double-bubble roof, but on the inside, so that you have more than enough headroom. And because you perceive it as a small two-door, two-seater car, the space actually surprises.
So am I still stumped by the impossible question? Unfortunately, yes. This thing is way too good to be me.
Specs
Model Coupé John Cooper Works
Engine 1.6-litre four-cyl turbo
Transmission Six-speed manual. FWD
Max power 211bhp @ 6,000rpm
Max torque 280Nm @ 2,000rpm
Top speed 240kph
0-100kph 6.4sec
Price Dh160,000 approx
Plus Fantastic fun, dynamics, torque, looks
Minus Cheap interior plastics, price
