Every time Sara, a management consultant, drops in on her in-laws, she goes home so worn out she feels as if she's gone a week without sleep. It takes her days to get back to her normal, energetic self. Her husband's parents - ordinary, well-meaning people - exhaust her.
"I don't know what it is about them, but I leave their apartment feeling as if I've had my life energy sapped out of me," she confides. "They're nice people and I like them, but there's something about my mother-in-law's fault-finding that drags me down. She constantly moans about her friends and even her own children. Nothing anyone does for her is good enough so I always feel as if I'm walking on eggshells. My father-in-law talks to me as if I'm about six, not 36, and then they have a little row, which always makes me feel uncomfortable. It sounds funny when I tell my friends, and even my husband, their son, laughs about their little ways, but it gets tiring. It takes me days to recover after even a couple of hours in their company."
Sara isn't alone. We all know someone who drains us. No matter how much we love them, how good our intentions are or the fact that we felt fine when we set out to see them, we feel jaded after an afternoon with them. We start to dread their visits or their phone calls because we know by the end, our zest will have gone.
According to energy consultant Alyssa Abbey, author of Stop Making Excuses and Start Living With Energy, energy drains can appear as colleagues, friends, family, children and even partners.
But it's not just people who rob us of our vitality. Our work, home and social lives are also energy-sappers and can leave us feeling below par. As a working mum, I always feel worn out if I step through the front door to find my son's muddy football boots strewn all over the hallway. I'd rather do a whole week's work at my desk than do our weekly supermarket shop and a phone call from a persistent colleague I worked with in the past makes my heart - and energy levels - sink. Then there are the constant emails that need an answer if I don't want the time-consuming follow-up phone calls.
But it isn't a hopeless case. Alyssa believes all we need to do is identify the energy drainers, and replace them, where possible, with energy enhancers, to get ourselves back to vitality. "You can't shut people out of your life, especially if they're your close family or friends, but you can alter what you do together," she says. "It's a case of thinking your way round the issue and coming up with a different solution."
Home
When we work, bring up children, have a social life and run a home, domestic chores such as laundry, shopping and bill-paying can feel never-ending and we often feel we're on a housework treadmill. "There will always be dishes that need washing and bills that need paying," acknowledges Alyssa. "Keeping your home super-clean, tidy and efficient can become a full-time job and you won't have time for the things in your life that really matter. But chores are going to be there for the rest of your life, no matter how efficient you are.
"Often, the biggest energy drainer is thinking about what you have to do. Once you get on with the jobs, they don't often take that long and you feel so much happier for having done them. Set aside a certain time - say an hour or so - to do housework, then stop. Otherwise you'll just go on and on.
"Think of a way to make your chores more enjoyable - maybe you could watch your favourite programme or listen to a lively CD while you tackle that pile of ironing.
"Maybe the whole family could join in so it takes just an hour, instead of four hours, to get the house sorted. If you ask your family in a respectful, friendly way, you might be surprised at how amenable they are."
Alyssa recommends several time-savers such as doing the supermarket shopping online and employing a cleaner if you can afford one. Reorganising and decluttering a room, or even just adding a new plant or fresh flowers, can also free up energy and make us feel better about our home environment.
Work
A work colleague who moans every time he sees you, a boss who micro-manages you or who doesn't appreciate the good work you're doing, workmates who gossip about everyone they see, team-mates who never say thank you... Add to that some long hours, deadlines and stress and it's no surprise that we leave our offices feeling exhausted.
Get your boundaries clear from the outset so work doesn't take over your life, suggests Alyssa.
"Start as you mean to go on when you begin a new job," she says. "When colleagues are used to you always going for a swim at lunchtime, or meeting your wife, they don't question it. It's when you suddenly introduce a new regime when you used to work through lunch that they start to question what you're doing. A lot of people think they are being conscientious when they work through their lunch break, but breaks during the day are important if you're to stay happy and healthy. I recommend a mini break every 90 minutes."
We spend at least a third of our day with colleagues so it makes sense to have an amicable relationship with them. "Difficulties in work relationships can be very draining," says Alyssa, "but keeping these feelings to yourself can make them seem worse. We tend to avoid conflict yet seething inwardly is an instant energy sapper. Sometimes it's better to have a brave conversation and explain how we feel.
"If you can't do that, try writing down five positive things about working with that person. Then write another five. This will affect how you behave towards them, and then they will behave better back to you."
Family
No matter how much we love our families, there will always be conflicts, and from time to time different members of the family will drain us. The main thing to remember is to make your time with your immediate family - husbands, wives and children - fun.
"Don't use guilt trips and don't manipulate family members into doing things. Those methods are destructive and confusing and they won't achieve much in the long term," she says.
Make free time as much fun as possible with picnics, camping trips, sports events, days out, and things that you really love, but keep plans as simple as possible. "The less complicated your plans, the more energy the experience will give you," says Alyssa. "If you're rushing around trying to fit everything in, you'll feel exhausted no matter how much you love what you're doing."
If there's a member of your family who annoys you, work out the best way to deal with them. Maybe you will put a limit on the time you spend with them or change what you do together. If all they do is complain about the price of things, or the crowds in town, don't take them shopping and go for a walk, or see a film, instead.
Social life
Some friends are like sunshine in our lives and make us feel giddy with joy, while others grind us down with their woes. It makes sense to spend time with our positive pals, but every now and then, we'll have friends going through a rough patch who need a helping hand and listening ear. "If you're helping a friend who is ill or unhappy, make sure you also take care of yourself," says Alyssa. "Often carers do so to the detriment of their own health and happiness. If that's you, take a break from caring, get out and just do something you want to."
One of our biggest drainers is saying yes to invitations that we really want to turn down. "Go with your gut feeling when you're asked to do something. If you're not sure, ask for more information or say you need to check your diary. Going to parties you don't want to go to is draining," says Alyssa. "It's much easier to be honest and say something isn't your scene than to go and hate every minute there."
For an instant energy boost, Alyssa recommends we try something completely new, like learning a new language, sport or dancing. "See what works for you. You may want to lie on a beach or visit a spa whenever you can. If it works, keep it up. If not, ditch it and look for something else. The number one tip is to plan things - if you don't plan things, they don't happen."
