You may know this already. There’s a list of forbidden topics when you get to our age — by which I mean old enough to have children who vote. You must not bring up these subjects in conversation because they are the gateway drugs to Midlife Dull. If you aspire to not boring your friends and turning into a midlife cliche, avoid them at all costs. And don’t fall into the trap of thinking: “OK but, actually, I do have something original to say about that”. You don’t. Trust me.

You are not alone in having sympathy with the Go Home Tourists daubers, or always having rated Wichita Lineman the top romantic record (honestly for years), or loving Glow, or being tempted to use aubergines as ornaments. We’re all vulnerable to midlife herd mentality, which is why we need to isolate the high-risk topics, and henceforth avoid talking about the following: u Box sets/TV series of the hour. It’s tempting, no question, but it’s boring and it goes nowhere. I loved that. Oh she was amazing. There is no end to it. (Note: young people talk about Game of Thrones but not the way we talk about our latest Netflix obsession. It’s horrible listening to us lot on the subject of The Keepers. Plus there’s a kind of competitive edge to it: I have the crib list and I’m fitting them all in. Which, admittedly, takes some doing.)

Your children. Unless there’s an issue, or some development that could be of wider interest (seriously ... he can get us all in free at weekends!) no one wants to hear about their gap year or about their work plans/success on the business course. Shark attack ... now you’re talking.

Your health. Same applies. Obviously you are starting to fall apart and will have some ongoing condition that you could talk about until the cows come home, but resist. A while back the forbidden topic was sex. Now it’s health (rude and boring), and sex is back on.

Money. No one’s ever saying: “I’m loaded. Come on, let’s get spending!” All conversations about money will be along the lines of: “We’re really feeling it, we’ve still got two in education ... and I’m earning the same as I was in 2005” ... This conversation ends in a “pov-off”.

Work. Unless your job happens to be Tom Cruise’s physiotherapist on Mission Impossible, or similarly anecdotal gold, don’t get into details. The delay in your contract getting renewed. The trouble you’ve had with the new consultant. No. No. Sssh.

Your dogs/cats/ponies. A couple of years ago no one, of any age, talked about their animals. They had pets, they loved their pets, but they never got the urge to go around to a friend’s and talk about what their dog did in the park that day. (Or maybe they did, and then asked themselves: “Am I a simpleton? Am I on drugs? No. Right, so I shan’t be telling a lot of adults what Fido might be feeling.”) But now, as you know, people think their pets are equivalent to children, only cuter. And the ones whose children are leaving the nest soonish are the worst.

Politics. What can you say? We know what you’re going to say, that’s the problem. Change it up. Bring me some stats! Show me figures! Otherwise it’s like box sets. I saw that. So did I. But it really got to me. Me too, but I’m pretty sure I was angrier.

The snowflake generation. This one is peculiar to our demographic, obviously. We’re the ones who bring it up, together, and it is getting (as they would say) old. I mean, true, they are a bit short of Dunkirk grit and they buy new white socks rather than wash them (grrrr) but they are resourceful in other ways. Just don’t talk about it. You will end up sounding like Katie Hopkins.