As a parent, you never want your child to be exposed to elements which may be unsuitable for your little darlings, so we censor our language around them, become more polite than usual and sometimes even go a tad bit overboard just to make sure they understand only ‘right’ things. However, sometimes what we may say as a passing phrase or a fleeting thought might just be the trigger that sets them up for a future of internal turmoil and self-doubt.
“You’re looking a bit chubby these days…”
This is possibly one of the most harmful things a parent can say. If your child is young, and you feel they may be gaining weight, to stay healthy get them involved in more physical activities and control their unhealthy eating habits. However, telling them they look fat, is gearing your child up for a future of disturbed eating habits and low self-esteem.
We might think, we have our child’s best interest at heart and don’t want to see them being teased, but what they look from you is confidence and positive reinforcement to let them believe the sky is not the limit. Hence reinforcing their flaws is not an option.
Rephrase: Instead, tell your child, “I think this top isn’t going to be comfortable for you to wear all day” or “It’s too hot, let’s wear something loose to stay cool all day.” Never put your child on a ‘diet’ or give them less food, a child needs nutritious food to keep up with their physical and cognitive growth.
“If you don’t listen to me the policeman will catch you”
We got it all wrong. We are teaching our children to be afraid of the police, when instead we should be encouraging them to understand that safety officers are here to protect us. Think about it, if your child gets separated from you in a mall, wouldn’t you rather have them go to a policeman for help? Encourage them to see law enforcers as brave people who protect our community, so the next time you see a police officer, give them a friendly wave to let them know the awesome job they’re doing. Your child will see you respect them and see there is nothing to be feared.
Rephrase: “The policeman is here to catch anyone who harms us, is there anyone who harms you or our family?” or “The policeman is here to help us, so we don’t need to be afraid of anything.” Community helpers need to be seen in a positive light.
“Why can’t you be more like...”
Comparing your child to anyone is a painful experience for them. Even if you mean it in the smallest of context, when you compare your child you make them feel inferior. Never let your children feel they cannot live up to your standards while someone else can. Even while comparing with siblings, you are indirectly creating a rift between them, and this may residue into pent up resentment and be the reason for future hostility between siblings.
Rephrase: “Look! Your brother is almost done, let’s clap for him” or “Wow! Your friend has got an excellent score, let’s try and work super hard so we can celebrate together” Be encouraging and let your child understand it is great to be happy for our friends when they succeed. This will minimize later feelings of jealousy and motivate them for healthy completion.
“Don’t worry; I'll fix it for you…”
We all want to be superheroes for our children. We want them to feel there is nothing we cannot ‘make alright’ for them. However, this is setting you up for failure. Do not let your child believe every imaginable hindrance that may come their way is your responsibility, because when you are not able to solve their problems they feel let down and will someday hold it against you. Moreover, you want your child to be self-sufficient and ready to take on the world.
Rephrase: “I’m sorry…Mom doesn’t know how to sort this out, do you have any suggestions on how to help me?” or “This is something I’ve never seen, let’s try and figure it out together.” Let children see you ask for help, so they understand we all have our flaws and strengths and they need to develop their own.
“If I catch you doing this again…”
This one may still give a chill down anyone’s spine that has grown up hearing it. Being subjected to a threatening tone such as this makes your child automatically adopt a fight or flight response. Either, they may get sneaky and begin to lie or cheat so they don’t get ‘caught’ or may show signs of aggression and unsettlement towards you when they do. Either way, this is not helping to stop negative behaviour. Instead it is instilling in your child a sense of fear from you, the situation at hand and the idea of ‘what may happen.’ We create feelings of anxiety in our children which results in a nervous adult.
Rephrase: “I’m sure you know this behaviour makes mom feel sad.” “I know next time you will make a better choice. You’re a smart kid!” Begin to instil in them a sense of right and wrong so you never have to ‘catch’ them again.
Be gentle in your tone and mindful in your words, your child looks up to you for inspiration, guidance and unconditional love.
- Sanobar Mistry is a published journalist and currently a kindergarten teacher in Dubai
