A few months ago Dubai was shocked at the news of a housemaid murdering her sponsor’s baby by suffocating her with a wet rag as she slept. The baby’s parents returned from work on a Sunday to find their only child dead. The maid confessed to killing the baby as she was upset at not being granted leave to visit her home country.
Bringing up a child in the age of plenty is risky business. With both parents working long hours to provide the best for their child, it ironically leaves the important aspect of child-rearing in the hands of nannies and housemaids.
For most families there isn’t a choice as double incomes are required to provide an aspirational lifestyle. But what do you do when the person entrusted to look after your children poses a threat to them and their well-being is potentially compromised? How do you invite a perfect stranger into the family and learn to trust them with the most important aspect of your being?
GN Focus gets parents and experts to give their views on selecting a reliable caregiver — what warning signs to watch out for and how to build a relationship of trust.
Check references
Don’t rush into the process of hiring a maid. Interview the maid as you would any potential employee. Do not expedite her visa until she has worked with you for at least a week. “Even after she is on your visa, you can let her know that she is under probation for the first three months. Any major offense, and be explicit about what those are, will result in immediate termination of the employment,” suggests Dr Saliha Afridi, Licensed Clinical Psychologist and Managing Director of The LightHouse Arabia.
Always try and select a maid or nanny who can provide reliable references. Call all the people who have recommended her and ask pointed questions, says Dr Afridi. Ask them what they liked and disliked about the nanny, why are they no longer keen on employing her, and how she handles conflict, criticism and difficult discussions.
Surprise, it’s me
It would be best to get a family member to live with you for the first few months until you are comfortable leaving your children alone for long periods of time with the nanny. But that may not always be possible. Shruti Kapoor, an IT professional and mother of one-year-old twins, says, “We pop over for surprise visits at any time during the day. This keeps the maid on guard and ensures a certain system of checks and balances.”
If you can’t drop in frequently, get friends to keep an eye on how things are being handled, says Dr Afridi. “Getting opinions about your help will help you make the right decision.”
Right training
Consider taking the nanny to parenting seminars, firstaid training, emergency protocol and other educational seminars and workshops to equip her with the tools she needs, suggests Dr Afridi. The more competent she is, the more relaxed you will be knowing that your child is in good hands.
Be hands-on
Farah Sawaf, Owner of external service provider Soul Communications and Founder of Cookingwithamanicure. com, says, “My recommendation to all mothers is to be as hands-on as possible. Make sure you set certain ground rules. For instance, when you call, the phone should always be answered.
Also create a schedule with your nanny where you agree on how the day will be constructed. Make sure you are always on call and give your nanny all the numbers she may require.”
We are family
Even though they might leave you in a year or two, the time that you have them in your home, be kind to your staff, says Dr Afridi. They are, in the end, in your home and part of its energy. If they are unhappy or feel overworked or mistreated, they will pull the energy of the whole house down.
“It is important that you treat the person like family,” says Kapoor, “On our nanny’s birthday, we sang and cut a cake for her and I decorated the house with balloons. For her to look after your children like her own she needs to feel like a part of your unit.”
Warning signs
Trust is not built overnight, but there are many steps that pave the way on this two-way street. Take the time to ask about your employee’s life,
personal stressors and history to understand their challenges and circumstances, suggests Devika Singh, Licensed Psychology Consultant, Dubai Herbal and Treatment Centre. When it comes to predicting homicidal behaviour, it isn’t easy. But there are a few red flags that warrant attention. This can include changes in mood and behaviour, which don’t have to be sudden, they can represent a build-up over time. Talking about death or killing is an obvious red flag, but often homicidal behaviour is not verbalised. Symptoms of depression, anxiety, aggression and withdrawal can all indicate instability in psychological processes, and while these are not predictors of psychopathic or violent behaviour, they must be evaluated by a professional, especially if the employee is entrusted with the care of a child, says Singh. However, as Dr Afridi points out, it is prudent to remember that the nanny is often under a lot of pressure and stress due to her own life’s circumstances. Adjustment to a new home, financial pressures, being away from family or fulfilling duties while feeling powerless to ask for what you want or need can take a toll if you are not attuned to them.
