I was chatting with a fun, nice guy on Facebook the other day after I’d met him randomly in my neighbourhood. Then he dropped the phrase that will immediately make me lose interest, “should I be intimidated by you?” Whether or not the comment was intended as a joke or an odd compliment, I slid the phone away and stopped messaging him. Forever.
Just before he dropped the I-Bomb, I’d been enthusing about my powerlifting, which takes up approximately all of my headspace that isn’t taken up with all the boring stuff, like remembering how to ride a bike, perform my job and how to perform those basic tasks that make me a fairly well-functioning adult. As soon as he uttered that sentence, I lost any interest I may have had.
Being intimidated by someone is not hot. And telling me you’re intimidated by the fact I go to the gym and pick heavy things up and put them down again tells me you’re a bit meek, really insecure and probably really weedy, too.
I confess, I hadn’t heard of novelist and feminist Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie until Beyonce’s Flawless came out, but now I’m mad about her. Her famous quote about men who are intimidated by her sums it up, “Of course I am not worried about intimidating men. The type of man who will be intimidated by me is exactly the type of man I have no interest in”.
It’s tempting here to go into a list of reasons why I’m not intimidating. I mean, I’m someone who gets scared to cycle over tram lines (they seriously terrify me in case I get my wheel caught in them and die, somehow). But, you know what, no. I shouldn’t have to soothe someone’s ego and give them examples of how I am a harmless little girlie and that they have nothing to be scared of. If you’re intimidated, I strongly suggest the problem lies within you. Please don’t try to make your insecurities my problem.
Because saying you’re intimidated isn’t a compliment. It’s implying you’re too much of something; too strong, too independent? Or that perhaps you’re infringing on something kind of masculine territory; you’re so independent you make him feel obsolete? You’re diminishing him a little? Over-stepping your boundaries? Perhaps I should shrink back a little to make sure you’re comfortable in your own skin?
If you’re intimidated by me, that’s your problem. I shouldn’t be made to feel like I need to rein anything in. Perhaps you should work on feeling less inferior when faced with someone with hobbies and a life of their own?
The implications of the word ‘intimidating’ aren’t good. It’s not a flattering thing to say to someone.
In comparison, I’m chatting with another guy on Tinder (don’t judge me, I’ve met some really cool people on dating apps) and he said to me “I love that you take powerlifting so seriously. I think it’s really attractive that you have a hobby like this.” I don’t need validation from these guys but, you know what, the ones who don’t cower at the thought of a woman who is powerful and strong, those are the ones I’m going to have the time of day for.
