It happens all the time. You go to a party, meet some new people, ask them their name and nationality, where they live and work, and end up making small talk about the traffic, rising rents, or other mundane topics. Even when you go out with friends the conversation is quite superficial. But is that all there is to social interaction? Can conversations not be deeper and more meaningful?
Lyne Ismail and Farah Bushnaq found themselves asking this question every time they went out; and the answer they came up with is #EndSmallTalk.
The two young women are childhood friends. They grew up in Abu Dhabi, went to university in Canada and are now working in the UAE. Ismail, who is of Iraqi and Lebanese origin, is a health and fitness executive at the Yas Marina Circuit, and Jordanian Bushnaq worked till recently as a programme manager at The Space, Abu Dhabi.
“The two of us have always enjoyed discussing deeper things that help us to better understand ourselves and the world around us. The conversations with our friends and teachers at university were also stimulating. But now we feel that we have got into a rut, and every time we go out the conversation is so mundane and repetitive. It is about where we are from and what we do, as if we are defined only by our background and occupation. It is so boring to talk about these things, especially when you could be discussing the wonders of the universe, and contemplating the deeper purpose and meaning of life,” Ismail says.
A friend, who heard them complaining, suggested that they should take the initiative to do something about it, and that’s how they organised the first ‘#EndSmallTalk’ event in Abu Dhabi. “We worked out a simple format, prepared some questions, and sent out invitations on social media. We expected five people to turn up, but 35 came for that first event in May last year. They all enjoyed it and were eager to know when the next one would be held,” Bushnaq says.
Since then they have hosted an event every month, with eight in Abu Dhabi, and two in Dubai, getting between 30 and 80 participants attending each session. The idea has even gone beyond the shores of the UAE with the first #EndSmallTalk session held in Amman in December, and one being planned in California.
“This is a non-profit community initiative. Our aim is to create a platform for inspiring meaningful conversations instead of making small talk. We want to provide a space where people feel comfortable to delve deeper into topics that define our very existence, and to share their opinions and feelings without criticism, judgment, or shame, and where they can connect openheartedly with strangers beyond the social constructions defined by things such as name, nationality or occupation,” Ismail says.
The format of the event is simple, inclusive and relaxed. Entry is free and open to all. Instead of name tags, participants are asked to describe themselves with a hashtag or phrase that they believe describes them.
For the first half of the three-hour event, participants split into small groups. Everyone is free to join any group, and to move to another group whenever they want. On each table is a bowl filled with “deep” questions, and people can choose which ones they want to discuss. Topics linked to religion and politics are avoided. The conversation is organic and freeflowing. Everyone gets a chance to express their opinion, but there is no compulsion to talk.
The second half of the event is a group discussion facilitated by a moderator, where the entire group comes together to discuss a single topic. Topics that have resulted in lively discussions at previous events include “happiness as a national currency”; “the meaning of love”; “how gender roles are changing in society” and “whether technology is connecting or disconnecting us”.
The last event in Dubai attracted more than 40 people ranging from university students and home-makers to corporate executives and entrepreneurs. The hashtags they chose to describe themselves included “always curious”, “sunshine”, “awkward teenager”, “old soul”, “optimist”, “realist”, “actions speak louder than words”, “explorer”, “aware” and “annoying”.
Most people were meeting each other for the first time, but the conversation flowed easily with interesting discussions on topics such as “is your life defined by your memories”, “how aware are you of the influence of society on your individuality?”, “if you could send a message to the entire world, what would you say?”, “if you could be given another talent what would you choose and why?”, “what is honour, and does it even matter anymore?” and “does popular media influence our concept of love positively or negatively”.
For participants the experience was quite positive. “I came because I am curious to get to know people on a deeper level. In daily life we interact so superficially, but when you talk about these things you realise that deep down there is so much that is common in the human experience,” Egyptian-Iraqi education consultant Noha Mahdi says.
Pakistani Hamza Hasan loved the idea of the hashtags. “They give you a glimpse into the person’s personality,” he says. “The questions really made us think deeply and I believe this kind of sharing helps us to grow and contributes towards building a better community and society.”
The most enthusiastic response came from Handan Darici, a holistic therapist from the Netherlands.
“I hate making small talk, so it was great to have meaningful conversations for a change. I do not know the names of the people I talked to, but I got a chance to know their mind and psyche. And when you listen to how people feel and think about different things from a place of no judgment, you can actually enjoy their view of things. I loved the discussions about ‘whether we can alter a disease by changing our mindset’, ‘the first music that pops into the mind that is related to a memory’, and ‘where does intuition come from’. Also when we were discussing ‘if money was not an issue what would you be doing’ I realised how many people deviate from their true self and real passion due to various pressures. This type of question makes you stand still and think about your life and passions,” she says.
To take this movement for better conversations beyond the #EndSmallTalk events, the organisers give out “convo” cards featuring sets of deep questions at every session. “We hope the questions on these cards will help people to initiate meaningful conversations and form real human connections with friends and strangers alike,” Ismail says. “We also want to invite participants to suggest questions for upcoming sessions,” added Bushnaq.
The next #EndSmallTalk will be held on April 23 at Westin Abu Dhabi Golf Resort & Spa from 4pm onwards. It is free and open to all. It will be part of Metronome, an event that also includes live music from emerging local musicians, community art projects and yoga workshops.
For more information, write to endsmalltalk@gmail.com or connect via Facebook: EndSmallTalk; Instagram: @EndSmallTalk; or Meetup: #EndSmallTalk Movement for Better Conversations
Jyoti Kalsi is an independent writer based in Dubai. She tweets as @JyotiKalsi2
Box
Conversation starters
Here’s a selection of questions from the “convo” cards for our readers to ponder:
-Do you think the person you fall in love with is a reflection of who you are?
-What is more important: a person’s safety or a person’s freedom?
-How do you measure beauty?
-What do you think is the best feeling in the world?
-What have you witnessed that has strengthened or weakened your faith in humanity?
-What do you do with your selfies? Before you had a smart phone, when did you take self portraits?
-Is anger a necessary emotion?
-Is there a value in doing nothing? Can you be alone with your thoughts and find bliss through the silence of your mind?
-Are the systems that govern the world in place for our benefit? If they are not serving humanity should they be removed?
-How do you show yourself that you love yourself?
