Child talking back? Don’t yell—here’s how to handle disrespect the right way

 Dubai-based Priyamvada Padhye remembers the first and well, the last time she spoke back to her parents. When she was around 14, her mother once reprimanded her for not cleaning up her room. Inspired by her friend who had snapped at her mum for making the same request, Padhye responded flippantly, “Can’t you do it for once?”

Well. Let’s just say that the ramifications were far from pleasant and Padhye has never made the same mistake again. A 34-year-old mum now, Padhye has to contend with her five-year-old daughter picking up different words from school and ‘talking back’ to her. “I’m learning to stay calm, because getting angry and raging solves nothing,” she says.

So, tempting as it is to snap back or issue a stern punishment, talking back isn’t always about defiance. Sometimes, it’s a cry for autonomy, or simply a bad day spilling over, explains Dubai-based child psychologist, Victoria Lauren.

Here are a couple of things that you could do, as she explains.

First, breathe before you react

When your child talks back, it’s easy to see red. But as parenting experts remind us, your first job isn’t to fix the attitude, it’s to regulate yours. “Children learn emotional regulation from people around them,” explains Lauren. “If you meet rude behaviour by shouting back, they learn power struggles. However, if you stay calm and continue talking firmly, we can teach them self-control,” she says.

Even just pausing for a beat before responding sends a powerful message: I’m not afraid of your feelings, and I can handle this.

Understand the why behind the backtalk

There are several reasons why children talk back. Sometimes, they’re inspired by their peers who would have done the same things at their homes, so that their parents acquiesce to their demands.” First, try to identify where the backtalk is coming from. If it’s peer influence, talk to your child about the kind of behaviour they’re picking up—and why respect still matters at home,”  explains Lauren.

Otherwise, they’re just testing your boundaries, and that’s a natural, frustrating part of growing pains. “It could also be an attempt to seek control, because they’re feeling overwhelmed by everything around them, including school, friends and hormones, especially if they’re in the pre-teen phase,” she adds.

So, instead of thinking, ‘My child is being rude, try, my child is trying to express something they can’t yet say constructively, adds Lauren.

Set clear, consistent boundaries

However, just because you know where they’re coming from, it doesn’t mean that you let the disrespect slide.  For instance, Dubai-based Maria Taffe admits that she has learned the hard way with her 11-year-old. “He would like to push my buttons, and I would fire back. It was unpleasant, because the more he resisted, the more aggressive I became with my orders, and that was just creating more tension in the house,” she says.

After working with therapists, Taffe realised that quite often, back talk implies a loss of control, ironically for both. The child is growing up and doesn’t want to be treated as a ‘child’, and sometimes, the parents, fear loss of authority. “It’s a gruelling understanding and takes time to accept that you can’t keep thinking in terms of authority and control, because then it’s just a relationship of power games,” says Taffe.

Try something like:

Don’t just correct—connect

It’s tempting to only focus on the attitude. But your long game? A child who trusts they can come to you, even when emotions are high. “After the moment has passed, reconnect. Maybe over dinner or a walk. Ask how they were feeling earlier. Share how their words affected you, not to guilt-trip, but to model healthy emotional conversations,” adds Lauren.  This builds emotional intelligence far more than a lecture ever could.

Use it as a teaching moment

Frustrating as it is, it can actually be a chance to build better communication skills in your children.

With younger kids:

With older children:

As children grow into tweens and teens, their need for autonomy increases—and so does their awareness of fairness. At this stage, backtalk might sound less like sass and more like challenge or resistance to perceived injustice, explains Lauren.

Instead of clamping down with authority, try engaging them in a collaborative approach. This doesn’t mean letting them set the rules, but showing that you’re open to dialogue and respect their growing independence.

 Every child will talk back at some point. So will every parent lose their cool sometimes. What matters is that you keep coming back to connection. “In the heat of the moment, it’s important to keep control of your own emotions. Saying things like ‘leave the house’,’ I don’t want to see you again’, even if you obviously don’t mean it, just heightens the tension at home, creating a rift at home.