Who's got the power?

Ok, the honeymoon is over (remember, we recently offered you pointers on this rosy first chapter?). You are back, settling into your marriage, hoping for a smooth ride all the way ... till you hit the first 'power struggle'. Bump. The ride just got shuddery. What are you going to do about it?

For many, the initial days of marriage are bliss. They are the most wonderful days in life ... almost magical. It feels as though someone has glued on a pink-tinged pair of glasses to your nose and everywhere you look, all is rosy, rosy, rosy. There are few dull spots, if any.

It is a time when individuality means nothing and togetherness everything. So lost is the couple in the 'we' of the relationship that their very purpose of existence may appear to be to keep each other happy - whatever be the cost.

But, a few months into the marriage, the glasses seem to come unglued from time to time. You push them back with force, they wobble a bit but stay on.
One fine day, they fall right off your nose and can't be glued back again. The glue it seems has lost its power. In fact, no kind of glue seems to work on them now.

With a sigh, you throw the glasses into the bin of the past and look ahead, life suddenly awash in an uncompromisingly harsh light.

Suddenly, everything you do or say begins to meet resistance from your spouse. You have your first disagreement. Soon after, you have an argument. And before you know it, you are having a full-blown fight.

You hear less of the word 'yes' and more of the word 'no'. Where once decisions were taken based on mutual consent, now plans are made and the partner informed about them only if need be.

Welcome to the dawn of a new phase in a marriage: power struggle. An inevitability in most marriages, power struggles can happen sooner or later but they do happen.

Every couple goes through a power struggle some time or the other in the course of their marriage, say relationship experts.

"When two people decide to marry and live together, they bring (along with them) their respective heritage, upbringing, values and habits,'' says psychiatrist and psychotherapist Dr Erik Voerman, attempting to explain why power struggles erupt in marriages.

"Yet, (despite their different sets of values) they have to (work towards) ... creating a new relationship in which both can be comfortable.

"When two people find it difficult to accommodate and to compromise, one of the two finds his/her way of doing things better. Competition between partners in this respect is then likely," says the doctor, who practises at Counselling and Development Clinic in Dubai.

"Competition between partners regarding who is in control of the decision-making or the finances is possible,'' he says.

"Decision-making can be a problem when both partners are used to following their own ideas,'' he says, adding, "in relationships, you often have to compromise.''

In the case of finances, says Dr Voerman, it may happen that one person in a relationship gets upset when the other earns more than him/her.

Some men, he says, who grow up with the idea that males are the providers, find it difficult to adjust if their wife earns more than them - a situation extremely conducive for a power struggle to manifest.

"Financial competition is found more often among working couples but other kinds of competitions take place among all kinds of couples," says Dr Voerman. "Competition can be of different kinds,'' he says.

"In the beginning of a relationship, it can be about which 'culture' (of the two families) will be more dominant.'' It could then expand to "how to do things at home, what kind of decor to choose ....''

Also, very often in a marriage, one spouse tries to dominate/control the other. When this happens and the other partner wakes up to it, control turns into competition, according to Dr Voerman.

One is better than two?
Tripat Mehrotra, a training manager with a company in Dubai, says, "Power struggle occurs when there is a lack of understanding and one partner thinks he or she is better than the other in all aspects. A married couple should share equal status in a relationship; one should not treat the other as an inferior.

"The basis of marriage is love and acceptance, and that should exist equally between them,'' he says.

"Everyone possesses individuality and sometimes, one partner may force his or her individuality on the other,'' he says.

The reason for this, says Mehrotra, is because both partners want to "own" or control the other. Neither believes in the other's right to be independent. "A couple,'' he says, "needs to give more importance to their love rather than to his or her individuality.''

His wife, Supriya Tandon Mehrotra, who works for an MNC, agrees. "The key to a healthy marriage is accepting your spouse as he/she is and giving love rather than one's ego more importance," she says.

"Married life without a power struggle is like food without salt,'' says Wael Najjar, the RJ of Al Arabiya 98.9 FM.

"But (the struggle) should come with some concessions from both sides. Understanding each other is the most important attitude to display if you want to enjoy a happy married life."

When one partner is out to prove that he or she is doing, giving and working more towards the marriage, the other can take the sting out of the 'control' by showing how he or she is grateful for the extra effort.

This helps in defusing the stress and making the bogey of control go away. Wael's wife Lilas Najjar, a homemaker, agrees with his assessment.

"It's important for both husband and wife to know that they are in the same boat and they both need to depend on each other for taking decisions failing which, the boat may topple.

"We can't keep taking different decisions."

Devika Singh, Coordinator of Educational Programs,
Comprehensive Medical Center, Dubai says: "In a healthy relationship, people tend to take joy in a partner's achievements and empathise with each other during losses.

"When the level of the mutual trust, respect and cooperation in a relationship is not high, then the individuals in the relationship may see their partner's accomplishments as threatening (to their self-esteem)."

An important part
Competitive behaviour is an essential part of human nature and this is another area where problems can surface in a marriage.

"Competition is not always 'bad' for a relationship,'' says Devika, "(but) of course, it depends on the context.

Some couples in healthy relationships compete in a fun and friendly way. For example: weight loss or exercise goals, plans to save a certain amount of money, competition to finish a home project, etc."

When competition changes its position from a friendly nature to a more serious note, ego clashes arise and during such situations neither may be willing to compromise.

The relationship gets strained as one partner tends to show his/her superiority over the other in various small and big matters due to his/her unreasonable approach.

"Competition may exist in several different forms: financial, status, attention sought from children and family members, career achievements, to name a few,'' she says.

"The competition (between spouses to attract) love from their own children is also possible,'' says Dr Voerman. "It has to do with personal issues and is beneficial neither to the children nor to the relationship.''

The children end up struggling with loyalty conflicts towards their parents.

Among professionals, competition as to who will earn more is common and spouses often use their pay cheque as a barometer to gauge their importance in the relationship and to stake a claim for the 'boss' position at home.

"Traditional relationships (in which the man is the breadwinner) can come under stress when the woman (starts) earning more than the man,'' says Dr Voerman. The man's ego could be bruised and the repercussions of that are often felt in the quality of the relationship.

"Power struggles depend on the couples,'' says Michelle Brouillet, a homemaker. "If the woman is career-oriented, the couple may have to make adjustments as to who will take the lead regarding their career - who would be the primary breadwinner and who would be working for job satisfaction.

"Some people need to be leaders while others are satisfied following their partner. But, one thing is for sure: both can't be dominant (in a relationship). But I believe that with time, in a good relationship, power is diluted and re-distributed more evenly between both parties.''

Serge Brouillet agrees with his wife Michelle in that over the course of a few years, there is much more give and take in the relationship.

"One day, the husband may be the main breadwinner. If and when circumstances change, the wife might be in a better position with her career, even as she begins to contribute a greater amount to the household income.

"Some men may have a problem with that and it would be a situation that needs to be dealt with. But as you mature, you tend to be more flexible in your thoughts and attitude. Or maybe, we just give in and accept things,'' says this businessman.

"Trust, respect and understanding are the key ingredients of a good marriage,'' says Michelle. "You need to trust that your husband can provide for the family. You need to respect decisions made by your husband even when you don't always agree with them, and forgive when you have been hurt," she says.

Serge's one important pointer on a smooth marital relationship is "not to go to bed mad.

"Most problems can be resolved if dealt with early on. My philosophy (on the issue of dealing with problems),'' he says, "is solving them sooner rather than later. It is much easier putting out a small camp fire than having to deal with a forest blaze.

"I believe married couples have to practise and live by these basic rules. If you have a problem, discuss it immediately, come up with a solution and accept it.''

He then talks of what he calls 'the big one'. "I believe that one of the most important factors of a (happy) married life is being able to say you are sorry. I think that is the big one."

"Usually, from the very early days of marriage, a leadership role is assumed by one of the spouses,'' he says.

"That role continues to be played out till something - such as income contribution, dissatisfaction with decisions made and/or a change in the mental growth of one person as opposed to the unchanging status in the other - causes an imbalance.

"I don't think there is anything wrong when a change occurs in the matter of who acquires the power, if the change happens gradually and with justification. Today, we are all more informed and know that two heads are better than one," he says.

Malini Ajay, a Dubai-based homemaker, believes, "A 'Live and let live' philosophy is essential for a happy married life. "Both (spouses) should extend equal respect to the other's freedom and never question the other's abilities. Trust is an important factor that helps clear all misunderstandings," she says.

Her husband Ajay Bhatia, too feels trusting the abilities of one's partner creates an unusual bond of friendship which paves the way for healthy communication.

The owner of Kamlesh Electronics in Dubai, Ajay says, "I feel understanding and trust are the two pillars which hold up a healthy marriage.

"Marriage is like a bicycle; both wheels have to move in tandem for it to go forward; couples should be with each other through all times - joyous and sorrowful."

Related to the issue of control, and just as disruptive, is the factor of low self-esteem."A partner who believes he or she is not 'good enough' for the other may end up feeling that he/she has to engage in competitive behaviour to gain a sense of worth,'' say Devika.

"So, low self-esteem may contribute to competitive behaviour. Upbringing may also play a role here,'' she says.

Some families, by pushing the child to excel at everything, instead of accepting that some children could be average and possess moderate abilities, may be encouraging the child to grow up to be a control-seeking adult.

This individual usually pushes himself in order for other people to see him as important or as an indefatigable achiever.

"This can result in a constant focus on being competitive and using a victory as a way to experience self-worth," says Devika.

Fatima Faizal, a working woman, says, "Making the marriage cart roll on smoothly is the joint responsibility of husband and wife."

"Today, with both partners (often) being career people, it's important they take time out to express their feelings to each other more often and openly," she says.

"You need to express your love, care, concerns ... basically every feeling in your heart, because communication is very important."

"A deep understanding of your partner is necessary to make a marriage work,'' says Faizal Husain, a business development engineer and a fairly well-known singer.

"It can take 3 to 5 years or even more to understand an individual because the human mind is very complex. Understanding (your spouse) helps avoid many problems in life and makes each of us a positive thinker."

He also believes it is important not to have a knee-jerk reaction to issues.

"I feel one must avoid reacting on the spur of the moment even if you think your spouse has made a mistake. Pause for a few moments to think about the issue. Perhaps, the partner has realised his or her mistake and might be regretting it."

It's better to discuss the issue when you are in better control of your feelings.

"Respect is essential. Even if you think your partner has made a mistake, you can communicate this to him/her in a loving and respectful way. This will make a huge difference rather than conveying your feelings by shouting or arguing," he says.

"Power struggle is normal in the beginning of a married life and occasionally, for the rest of the married life,'' believes Dr Haitham Elias Mourany, a US qualified specialist orthodontist and the founder of Mourany Orthodontic and Dental Center.

"It is a manifestation of one's personality and of a variation in viewpoints,'' he says. "If kept in check, it is a healthy way to express one's feelings ...'' he adds.

"(However), when individual viewpoints begin to get strongly defended, the process of defense starts to shape a power struggle.

"(In any argument, there must come a time) when a decision has to be made, or one opinion to prevail in order for peace to be maintained so one can get on with life. This opinion could be of one partner's (respected and upheld by the other willingly), or a combined decision," he says.

Dr Haitham feels it is unhealthy to be holding one-man shows in the house. "It is not democratic or logical to believe that one spouse has all the answers, and that he/she is always right and never makes mistakes,'' says the doctor.

"Also, it is not acceptable for one spouse to isolate him/herself from the decision-making process on important issues. It is not acceptable for one's ego to flag off the start of a competition for leadership, regardless of other considerations," he says.

Dr. Randa Bashour Mourany agrees with Dr Haitham's view that power struggle is a phase which every marriage goes through.

"For some it is only a phase; for others, it is a lifetime struggle that leads to huge conflicts and sometimes, even to a divorce," says this physician and office manager at Mourany Orthodontic and Dental Center.

"Power struggle can start as early as while deciding on the wedding date, planning the honeymoon and later on, when buying a house, deciding on the furniture, ways to raise children ... What is important is that the couple understand that this is a normal stage of adapting to each other.

"They must also realise that decisions cannot be made on an individual basis. They must be by mutual agreement. This way, neither spouse feels uncomfortable at being 'controlled' by the other.

"Some people are 'control freaks','' says Dr Randa, "and they not willing to compromise in any way. This is where power struggle becomes a serious threat to a happy marital life."

That said, she admits that it is not always easy in a marriage to arrive at a midway point.

"Learning how to find their way to that point and mastering the art of compromise can make the power struggle at home transient" instead of allowing it to take root and rupture the fabric of marriage as the thorns of disagreements grow longer and stronger.

What can a couple do ...
... to avoid such stressful situations?
"When a couple is in a trusting relationship and are open with each other, they are more likely to celebrate each other's accomplishments rather than feel threatened by them,'' says Devika.

"This means building positive connections with each other. Start by spending time together, engaging in recreational activities and other relaxing pursuits. This is the foundation for a healthy relationship, without which issues of competition cannot be addressed.

"It is important for the couple to communicate to the other their thoughts and feelings, because they could have, on occasion, misinterpreted their spouse's
actions and arrived at a hasty decision.

"For open conversations to take place, a couple (who may be having problems) may require professional intervention to help understand each person's individual experience in the relationship," she adds.

According to Dr Voerman, "A couple should be made aware that it's necessary to develop their own
values, and that they both have to agree upon how to write out their roles vis-a-vis decision-making, finances, social contacts, children's upbringing, etc.

"They can't have a true and enriching relationship if one of them wants to do things only his/her way or wants to control the other. There is nothing to win from feeling superior to your spouse."