Spend quality time with your children

Working parents often fail to discipline their kids because they feel a certain amount of guilt about not being with them. But this is no excuse to spoil them.

Two days ago I was conducting a workshop on Parenting Teens when a very distressed mother came up to me and started to share her story.

"My husband and I are both working parents and have to work long hours in order to provide for our children."

With a slight gleam in her eyes she began telling me about her kids.

"I have two children, Manju who is 13 and Abhay who is 10. They are so talented and bright."

Suddenly the gleam was replaced by sadness as she continued, "But they do not realise this and spend most of their time watching television or on the phone with their friends."

"They do not listen, are very mean to me and probably hate me for not spending time with them. But they don't understand that I have no choice!"

"They are scared of their father and tend to behave when he is around, but his schedule doesn't allow for much interaction with the kids."

"I am also tired by the end of the day and have no patience to deal with their tantrums and tend to give in a lot. I know this is wrong. Please help me!"

And with this she started crying bitterly.

Socio-economic conditions force many parents to work long hours, compelling them to leave their children in the care of a babysitter or, when that is unaffordable, alone at home.

At other times both parents choose to work so that they are making the most of their skills and education.

Ideally children should be supervised by an adult at all times, however, many times this is not possible and children find themselves home alone.

So how can parents ensure the healthy development of their children even when they are not around?

• When both parents work, it is essential that they spend some special time with the children. Plan at least 20 minutes with each child, giving the child complete attention.

This is the time to talk about the happenings of your child's day, play games and plan activities you can do together.

• Parents must set rules and routines that are to be followed by all family members. These help children feel they are being supervised even when parents are away.

Appropriate consequences for not following the rules and rewards for doing so also need to be discussed and set with them.

Working parents often fail to discipline their children because they feel a certain amount of guilt about not spending time with the children.

But you must bear in mind that not spending time is no excuse to spoil the children.

• Consistency, consistency, consistency! This aspect cannot be stressed enough.

Many times parents set rules but fail to follow through with consequences or rewards since they are tired after a long day at work.

However, only when children know you mean business will they follow instructions.

• If your children are alone at home, make sure they are aware of the safety rules. Tell them not to answer the door unless he or she knows who is there.

Give your children all the emergency numbers they may need in an unforeseen event.
Also, do not allow them to have friends over when they are alone.

• If you choose to employ a babysitter, check out the person's references. Talk to your child about what is appropriate and inappropriate behaviour on the part of the sitter and how they must immediately report the latter.

If you are considering daycare for your child, check out the facility. Spend a few hours observing the place and talk to other parents who use the same.

• Visit your child's school regularly to stay in touch with his or her teachers and be informed about any difficulties that your child may be experiencing.

Also, make sure you try to attend as many school events such as extra-curricular events, parent-teacher conferences, back-to-school nights etc., as possible so that your child feels that you are involved in his or her life.

Parental involvement is vital for a child's success at school.

• Make the most of weekends. Plan family activities and outings that will help you connect with your children.

Ideally, it would be great to have at least one parent around all the time, but this is not always possible. Don't feel guilty if you're a working parent.

It is the many little things you do with your child - making popcorn, playing cards, window shopping - that he or she will remember.

After all your children are too precious for you to pass being a part of their growing process!

The writer is a DOH, Dubai and US certified guidance counsellor with an M.Ed degree in school counselling from Boston, USA. She is currently working as co-ordinator—counselling services, GEMS, UAE.