Set limits for your teen

Ted's mum came over the other day. She had tears in her eyes as she expressed her concerns about Ted's behaviour. He is 17 years old and has no sense of responsibility.

He spends hours on the mobile without consideration for others. He does not want to study and stays out late every night.

His mum is also concerned that Ted may be drinking and smoking when he is out with his friends. She does not know how to stop him or make him understand the harm he is causing himself and the family. Over the past few weeks several parents like Ted's have come to see me about problems with their teenagers.

Challenge

At this stage parenting can be very challenging because parents must draw the line between being involved in their children's lives and ensuring the freedom and space youngsters need.

In the end, however, it is important for parents to bear in mind that their teens do count on them for guidance and support. One of the most challenging aspects of setting limits for your child is drawing the line between too much and too little. Parents must be astute enough to set rules and expect them to be followed.

Outcome

It is also important for parents to impose consequences if the rules are broken. Although sometimes discipline is unpleasant, it can help save the family heartache in the future. Clear boundaries and standards give teens much-needed stability that enables them to handle relationships and establish their own identities.

The first step to understanding your teen is to listen to him. Ask your child how his day was and listen to all the details so that he knows you are interested. Ask him if he needs help dealing with any issues. Ask about his friends and classes.

You need to listen without judging your teen to be able to share his life. And understanding his life is the first step and a very important one for you in order to guide him.

Adolescents usually demand freedom. It is important for parents to understand this need, but not without making it clear that this privilege has to be earned by displaying adequate responsibility. For example, if your child's curfew is 11pm and he chooses to ignore it, you may have to reconsider this freedom. Excessive permissiveness has often been associated with behavioural problems.

Boundaries

Teens need appropriate boundaries and limits. The most effective way is to involve them in establishing the rules because then they are more likely to obey them.

Check with your teen's school staff periodically to determine how he is functioning in school. Become acquainted with your child's friends because they are an important part of his life and most often have a great influence.

Peer pressure can make children resort to activities that they later come to regret. Thus being part of his circle of friends is essential. Also, parents must allow for independent thought and expression in order to raise children with a healthy sense of self and the ability to make proper decisions despite peer pressure.

Example

Joshua's dad was shocked when he caught his son smoking. He is only 15! Dad is a smoker himself, but never thought that his son would want to emulate him and at such an early age. Parents forget that their behaviour sets an example for their children. You are your child's first role model, thus it is important to monitor your own behaviour.

Often parents have found that engaging in recreational activities with their teens is the best way to connect. Regular and positive interaction is important to monitoring your teen and his activities. When the relationship between children and parents is characterised by warmth and kindness it is easier to maintain discipline.

One important fact parents must keep in mind is the difference between psychological autonomy and psychological control. Often parents get too caught up in trying to control the behaviour of their children by controlling their thinking. Attempting to control your child's behaviour by using guilt, withholding love or invalidating feelings or beliefs will be futile in the long run.

Instead, if the parent offers explanations and interpretations of the event along with understanding and respect for the interpretations of the child, he is more likely to follow through without the damaging effects of psychological control.

Guidance

To effectively help your teen become a healthy and well-balanced adult member of society you must invest time and energy. Inculcating the right values and ideas will see him through this exciting and adventurous journey from childhood to adulthood.

Parents who share a warm, kind and solid relationship with their children, display respect for their ideas, take an active an interest in their activities and set firm boundaries on those activities will surely avoid the challenging speed bumps on the way.

- The writer is a DOH, Dubai and US certified Guidance Counsellor with an M.Ed degree in School Counselling from Boston, USA. She is currently working as Co-ordinator - Counselling Services, GEMS, UAE.