Keep the intimacy alive

When my marriage was beginning to fall apart, it wasn't the arguments that caused me the most heartache but the relentless erosion of intimacy.

People had always remarked what a touchy-feely couple we had been. At dinner parties we would often deliberately sit next to one another. When we walked down the street, we would always link hands.

I remember the little things he used to do for me, such as buying me flowers and arranging them in a vase like a pro. It wasn't a case of grabbing the nearest bunch from the garage when he stopped for petrol, it was an act of love, a gesture of intimacy.

When our son was born, I spent a few days in hospital recovering from an emergency Caesarean operation. I returned home to a spotless flat, the wooden floors smelling of fresh beeswax, the shopping done. How cherished that made me feel.

One evening a week we would curl up together on the sofa with a Chinese takeaway, watching Thirtysomething, the US TV drama that aired in the late Eighties and early Nineties and seemed to mirror our lives so closely. It reassured us we were doing all right.

The chilling shift

Fast-forward to the end of our marriage — no touching, no sharing and barely any talking. The emotionally warm currents had shifted to an Arctic chill. Sometimes the reasons for the breakdown of a marriage are sudden and shocking, as can be the case with infidelity. Sometimes it's a barely perceptible wearing away that goes on for years before the whole edifice crumbles.

Looking back, I can see the mistakes we made. I was at least as much to blame as him.

When he had to go away for work — and this went on for several years, with him returning only at weekends — I was often impatient with his calls, overwhelmed with the responsibility of work and caring for our son.

I didn't think he was lonely and needed me to talk and listen. Talking and listening are the vital components of intimacy.

When he returned home late on Friday evenings, instead of racing to the door to greet him, I carried on with basting the potatoes or reading a bedtime story. I should have put my arms around him and said how happy I was to have him back.

A string of misunderstandings

And so it went on, misunderstanding one another's needs in a dozen different ways. Neither of us was good at arguing, so each of us would retreat into our own corners.

If only we could explain ourselves, laugh like we used to, things would be OK.

The look of love disappeared from his eyes. And perhaps from mine too, though I was slower to lose faith.

It was that chill I found impossible to bear, so it comes as no surprise to me that a recent survey for Saga Legal Services, looking at divorce in couples above 50, says that for women, emotional coldness and lack of intimacy are the main reasons for ending a marriage.

Of course, it's not just for older couples that loss of intimacy is an issue and neither is it a woman-only problem.

When women talk about what constitutes emotional warmth and intimacy, the same words crop up again and again. Words such as trust, closeness and sharing. Notions of being appreciated and feeling cared for. Touch is incredibly important, though not always in an intimate way.

Therapist and author Andrew Marshall thinks men and women have exactly the same need for intimacy but express it differently.

"Most men above 40 still believe it's sissy to show their feelings," he says.

"Women describe intimacy as being about touching and talking, whereas that's not the case with men. What happens when you express intimacy differently is that it can push your partner away."

This explains why the women in the Saga survey cite emotional coldness as the main cause for divorce.

If falling in love creates an urge to be together 24 hours a day, things quickly shift when the mundane realities of life set in.

The pace of modern life is such that people forget to be kind to one another. Money worries, mortgages, having children or difficulties in conceiving can conspire to put intimacy at the end of the agenda.

And by the time women are wrestling with issues of age and attractiveness, the sense that their partner is emotionally distant can catapult them into an affair or a divorce.

"It's intimacy in the form of caring and sharing that helps us through the difficult things in life," says relationship counsellor Diana Parkinson.

"Without intimacy, it may be impossible to navigate the problems that are bound to arise."

When a woman says her partner has become cold, Parkinson believes she should ask these questions: Is this person really cold or is there something else going on? Is he depressed or is he facing an underlying health problem? Is he distant or is he stressed about work, money or losing his job?

Is the fact that he spends all his spare time on the computer an escape from dealing with his problems rather than having to talk about them?

"Men still feel ashamed about appearing weak or scared and find it hard to express those vulnerabilities. So the men withdraw and then the partners withdraw from one another," Parkinson says.

The marriage of Sandy, 42, and Robert, 45, demonstrates this point. "Our marriage nearly came to blows after a holiday in France," says Sandy, a full-time mother, married for eight years with two children.

"I know Robert has a business to run but he spent more time on his BlackBerry than he did with me or the children. It was one of the few chances we had to be together as a family and share some intimate moments and he had his nose in his phone, making calls, checking e-mails. Back home, it was the same thing. He would walk through the door around 7.30pm and head straight for his computer until dinner was ready."

The confessions

It was only when Sandy asked for a divorce that Robert broke down and admitted his business was in danger of bankruptcy and that he had been too ashamed to talk about it. Now, with the help of counselling, they are trying to resolve things between them.

"I can cope with the business not doing well. I can deal with cutting back. What I couldn't stand was his withdrawal from me and the children," Sandy says.

In the process of researching her book Couples: The Truth — What Really Goes On Inside People's Relationships, Kate Figes spoke to 120 people about the highs and lows of their relationships.

Her research has led her to conclude: "If you're not getting the love, intimacy or affection you feel you need, you should recognise that it's not all to do with the other person but almost certainly to do with you and what you're giving as well. Finding ways to make people feel supported, cared for and loved is important throughout life for both men and women."

Lending support

Janet, 59, a teacher, has been married to Mario, a deputy headmaster, for 35 years. They have managed to give one another exactly the kind of support to which Figes refers.

"It's about doing small things together," Janet says.

"Mario likes to watch TV after a hard day at school. I would rather read but sometimes I just sit with him on the sofa so we can be together. It brings us closer," she adds.

Understanding that the other person needs you is another important component of intimacy. "Mario was getting ready to leave the house the other morning when the phone rang. It was a friend for me.

"I noticed Mario hovering, looking anxious, and suddenly remembered he had an important meeting he had been worrying over.

"I wanted to talk to my friend but decided to call her back. Mario and I chatted about the issues that might come up and when he left ten minutes later, he hugged me and said: ‘Thanks, babe.' He would do the same for me and that's why our marriage still works."

Now that I have a new relationship in my life, I am back at the beginning as far as emotional warmth and intimacy are concerned. We talk, hold hands and laugh a lot.

It makes me feel happy but it also reminds me of what I had lost in my marriage. If we had been more vigilant and understood the nature of intimacy, might we have found a way to resolve our problems?

Will I succeed in hanging on to intimacy this time around? I certainly intend to try a whole lot harder than I ever have before.