Ayesha Vardag: the romantic divorce lawyer

She’s known as the diva of divorce, a woman renowned for turning an ex-spouse into an expense.

Ayesha Vardag is a pit bull-like lawyer who has made millions from helping the super rich, from VIPs to tycoons, split up and go their separate ways. Her client list remains largely confidential but has included Michelle Young, one-time wife of the late property mogul Scott Young, who was awarded Dh140 million, and former Miss Malaysia, Pauline Chai, who stands to win more than Dh1 billion from her former partner, the Laura Ashley retail tycoon Khoo Kay Peng.

Her speciality is in ensuring pay-outs for the wronged party that leave the rest of us wondering if the heartbreak or the bank-break of a divorce is worse. Yet Ayesha, 47, insists she’s not some kind of diametric opposite of Cupid. She’s a romantic at heart. She believes in true love. Bless her, she even says that it can be frustrating to watch a once-loving couple fight for custody of the La Marzocco coffee machine. Although her Dh3,500 per hour fee probably helps her cope.

‘Nothing is sadder than a lost love or a broken dream,’ says the multimillionaire, perhaps recalling the case in which a couple spent so long fighting over custody of their pet rabbit that the animal actually died as proceedings dragged on.

And it’s surely true. Nothing is sadder.

So who better to advise Friday readers about staying together than a woman who has seen so many relationships fall apart? After all, it was only last summer that Ayesha, who is in the process of setting up her practice here in Dubai, where she moved in October, got married herself. That was to Stephen Bence, 42, an astrophysicist turned-finance guru.

The pair – both multimillionaires – did sign a prenuptial agreement, essentially to say their money and earnings were independent of the other.

‘Having a husband, particularly one who is a professional confidant as well as a domestic partner, is a great source of energy, inspiration and strength,’ she says of her own union, her third marriage after two previous separations. ‘I’ve always believed in love, despite going through my own relationship difficulties, as so many of us do.

‘There’s always room for romantic optimism. Shakespeare’s observation that ‘the course of true love never did run smooth’ has become a cliché, but only because it’s consistently true,’ says Ayesha.

It seems to be true in Dubai, certainly. Divorce rates have rocketed the last few years with a 40 per cent increase between 2011 and 2013 according to The Dubai Statistic Centre.

Ayesha puts this down to more and more expats living here and the pressures created by a society where there is always competition to achieve more and socialise with work colleagues. People change in this environment, she says, and the result can sometimes be that a married couple grows apart.

‘It is an environment that can put a strain on marriages,’ she says. ‘That heady mix of power and money and temptation that exists here makes it inevitable in some ways.’

So, with that in mind, we wanted to do our bit to help and we asked Ayesha for her top tips on going the distance. After all, a woman that’s seen so many marriages fail must surely have some secrets to success.

‘Over the decades of having my own firm and the years before that working in family law, I have seen first hand thousands of people divorcing as well as having experienced this myself. And from that, there are certain themes that are repeated over and over again, which led one or the other in the couple to decide they’d reached their end,’ she says. These are her tips:

‘It’s easy to let the frenetic pace of modern life stress you out, and that can spill over into your relationship. Slow things down if you can. Schedule a regular ‘date night’ and go out for dinner or watch a film. If you feel like you and your partner are becoming alienated from each other, go out and discover a new passion together and make it your regular, special thing to share. This could be as simple as going to a new art gallery together each week; going for a run together – or snuggling up once a week to watch classic films.’

‘Take a break from your usual relationship routine by using a bit of romantic imagination. Carve out time away from the children if you have them because it’s in their best interests that you stay close to each other. Book a surprise holiday for your loved one to a destination you’ve never visited, or a day out trying something they’ve never thought of. Personally I’m determined to take my husband sea kayaking at The Palm!’

‘Remember who you were when your partner fell in love with you. Often women will give up their career or hobbies when kids come along, which can cause the couple to grow apart. The wife’s conversations revolve around the school run and taking the cat to the vet while the husband is dealing with the “more important” pressures of work. I see many marriages fall apart because couples run out of things to talk about and become utterly bored with each other. Remember the fun, beautiful, free person you were when your spouse decided to commit to you and keep that alive, for yourself as much as for him/her. Both of you need to be interesting after the initial gloss wears off – make sure you’re happy to have dinner together 10,000 times!’

‘Have good strategies for building bridges when you’ve argued and be willing to say sorry or reach out your hand. Not all arguments are bad – sometimes they’re really necessary to maintain an open dialogue with your spouse. Honesty is really the best policy. I think that some couples hide things to avoid conflict, but being honest about things like feelings and finances will help avoid unnecessary conflict in the long run.’

‘Even if you hit a rough patch, don’t let things get too serious. Laughter is a great tonic for adversity, and might just help you realise that your relationship problems are not as bad as you think. When things get too grim and intense, shift gear by laughing your way out of it and make sure you always have as much fun on the way home from a night out as you did when you were there.’

According to a study at a Kansas State University, arguing about money puts you at greater risk of divorce. Ayesha’s husband Stephen Bence, finance whizz at Vardags, gives three top tips to stop cash making a hash of your relationship.

Be transparent

We see no end of situations where one party says that they’ve been kept in the dark over finances. This breeds suspicion and resentment. Transparency shows respect and a sense of partnership, and it breeds trust.

Work out what you want financially before you commit. Try to make financial arrangements that reflect that – you might transfer a property to give the one party some security, or set up a regular monthly payment or a joint account with a plan about who spends what. Commit this to paper and stick to it.

Budget

Be realistic about the money you have, how much you need to spend on the basics and how much you need to save. Live within your means on the remainder. Even those with huge amounts of money can live beyond their means and it catches up with them one day.