Dubai
For two years, I thought I was going through a progressive nervous breakdown. I couldn’t understand why, but the signs were very clearly pointing at a deteriorating neurological condition, which was showing no signs of abating. I was crying all the time, I couldn’t take any stress, I would fly off the handle at the drop of a hat - dark times. It didn’t help that an aunt was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s around the same time (you can imagine). While in the throes of that suffering, I had no idea that in actual fact I had a brain tumour, which was causing severe physiological and psychological disorders in me. It was as simple as that. I wasn’t going mad. I just had a condition that doctors couldn’t put a finger on.
1. YOU HAVE LOST YOUR BALANCE
One major contributor to the feeling of ‘I’m losing it’ was the loss of my balance. Can you imagine going through the day feeling like you have just stepped off of a merry-go-round? It’s no fun. I can tell you now that if this ever happens to you at 40, or thereabouts, get a brain MRI. It’s not normal to lose your balance suddenly.
2. YOUR EARS FEEL BLOCKED ALL THE TIME
No amount of swallowing or chewing gums could rid me of the feeling that my ears needed to be ‘popped’ – or unclogged. This feeling was constant. It exacerbated every time I felt overwhelmed - which was also very often. The simple explanation is that people suffering from Hydrocephalus - excessive fluid build-up in the brain - experience aural fullness, ringing in the ears and low frequency hearing loss. These symptoms are also indicative of Meniere’s Disease, which is what I was convinced I had after hours and hours of Google study. Either way, investigate.
3. YOU FEEL DIZZY AND GET SEVERE HEADACHES N THE SUN
I hid this from my family for the longest time. In fact I doubt they will ever know the full extent of my suffering because of my embarrassment to admit what was going on with me. Blinding, incapacitating headaches became a thing. And the world spun every time I checked my hard shoulder while driving. Again, I attributed living in Dubai and being out in the sun too long as likely causes.
4. YOU FEEL OVERWHELMED AND EMOTIONAL
Because I had gone through a mild bout of Post Natal Depression after my first-born, feeling weepy was a familiar territory which didn’t raise many alarm bells. I was also at a period when I had recently quit a job (along with a business partnership), was struggling to find new employment and had just turned 40. I truly believed that the reason I felt so run down and unable to cope was because my life was well and truly miserable. Not true. One of the side effects of Hydrocephalus - and the excessive pressure it puts on the brain - is personality change. If something like this happens to you, do not blame yourself. Book an appointment with a doctor. With five doctors.
5. YOU HAVE BLADDER ISSUES
I wet my pants all the time. On the bed. In the car. When I sneezed. It was crazy. I thought I had old women problems. Which of course made absolute sense since I had just turned 40! Wrong, wrong, wrong. Urinary incontinence - I found out later - is another very obvious symptom of something not being right in your brain. It also helped to remember that Jennifer Aniston is six years older than me and not least bit afflicted by ‘old women’ problems.
6. YOU ARE AFRAID OF HEIGHTS
For a lover of rides this should have been a clear giveaway that something has shifted in my mind and body. I would shiver and shake at extreme heights and really fast rides. If you haven’t ever suffered vertigo before, this is a very clear sign of a brain issue.
7. YOU CAN’T STAND SUDDEN LOUD NOISES
Not many kids would know what mysophonia means. My kids do. My intolerance of sound and especially sudden noises had grown so extreme that I started studying this disorder and explaining to my kids (when I could manage it) what it implied. Which is to say I had to give them reasons why any and every sound they (children aged 8 and 12) made around the house made me react so adversely. I also researched Tinnitus, ringing of the ears, hearing noises, constantly, in search of an answer. Now I know that this is another common symptom - a direct effect of having flowing fluid suddenly obstructed in the brain.
8. YOU HAVE BECOME IMPATIENT AND SHORT-TEMPERED
This bit can hardly be surprising after you have read through the other points. I was a menace to my family. Totally broken. Totally unwell. Totally angry. I felt so unfixable. According to the medical fraternity vision problems, poor memory and difficulty concentrating are the other telltale signs to look out for in a brain condition of this kind. I was in an agitated state almost all of the time for a good 2 years.
Finally, I forced an ENT specialist to order a magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) of the brain. A hyperintense lesion (tumour) measuring 13.6 x 11.2mm was detected. In other words: Bingo!
An Endoscopic Third Ventriculostomy (a slightly tricky brain surgery) was performed within a few days and I’m happy to report that things are back to normal.
As an Indian woman, I was raised to be strong, but at the same time, brush my own issues under the carpet, deal with my complications on my own and focus on taking care of the people around me. Deep down, I was so lonely. I kept blaming myself, so I didn’t reach out for assistance until much later. I kept trying to will myself to become better, but obviously, that’s not how it works. So listen to your body.
— The reader is a mother of two, works in the advertising industry and is based in Dubai.
