Focus: Teenagers and sexuality

Raging hormones, accelerated physical development and an unsettling search for your own identity. The teenage years are filled with confusion, change and curiosity. This turbulent phase can be all the more difficult if children grow up in an environment where parents stonewall any questions about the “S” word. Add to that media, which provides increasingly explicit content and you have a potentially explosive mix on your hands.

This month Gulf News invited its readers to come together in a live debate to talk about the sensitive issue of teenagers and sexuality. Should parents be friends and talk to children about everything? Or do teenagers already have too much information? Here are the excerpts:

Faran Niaz:
Absolutely not — no matter how much I try. I have internet and all the facilities at home that are meant to block certain websites. But there are always codes that will break into these websites. My daughter goes to an international school and I am sure she can get such codes from her friends.

Anamika Chaudhry:
I want to think that I would have control [when my children grow up] because I believe I will be just like my mother was. She would read the newspaper and then give us bits of it to read. We were not allowed to watch movies that my mother thought were not right and I don’t think we missed out on anything. I will try my best [and] I think we’ll have to discuss everything. I think I have to learn a lot and I don’t want them to feel at any time that, “My mum is my friend”. No, “My mum is my mum”. I want to keep that barrier. I want to let them know that I am there for them, but they have to maintain that relationship. Otherwise, they won’t respect you.

Faran Niaz:
It sounds very good, but in the practical world it will not work. That’s something that I’ve realised — there is a huge generation gap between our parents and us and there is a huge generation gap between us and our children. My mum still can’t play a DVD and does not know how to use the internet. This generation is born in the time of the iPad, not just the internet. I still remember, when my daughter was younger, she wanted to see some pictures of Barbie, so I just typed Barbie on Google and the pictures that came up shocked me! So, you want to control what they watch and you come up with different strategies, but I don’t think it is possible.

Swati Basu:
With my daughter, I haven’t imposed any of my thoughts, but from the time she was young I have been able to build a good relationship, so I know she will come back and talk to me. Recently, my daughter read the case of the Indian hockey official who was up on sexual harassment charges, and she came up to me and asked me, “Mama, what is the meaning of ‘the act of having sex’”. I couldn’t explain it to her immediately, so I asked her not to look for answers from other places and give me some time. I promised her that I would explain it to her in the right way. But she has that rapport [with us] and she knows that, “If I do ask my parents, they will satisfy my curiosity”. And if I do that, I am actually helping her go a step ahead.

Faran Niaz:
Yes, because you are her friend, not just her mum.

Swati Basu:
A parental friendship is extremely important.

Arfah Shahid:
What Anamika said is that if you become a friend your child won’t respect you, and I think that’s absolutely wrong. My mother has drawn that line between us where I am supposed to respect her and not cross my limits. But that being said, if you’re not your child’s friend then they’re going to be friends with the wrong kind of people. So, it is better that you are a friend, where you can talk about everything rather than them getting information from other people. I have heard of parties that are being organised where there is [inappropriate conduct]. And I do tell my mother that there is such a party being organised but I won’t go because I know it is not the right thing to do. But that’s because she’s told me what my morals should be.

Sajini Antony:
When you say that your child can tell you “everything”, let me tell you that my daughter still comes and tells me everything. And I am just hoping that it continues. When she grows up, yes she may not tell me everything, but you have to have faith. I don’t completely agree with what Anamika is saying, but yes there is supposed to be a line drawn between parents and children.

Ritu Chawla-Ray:
You don’t really want to impose anything on the child. Inculcate the feeling that they can take the right decision. Parents don’t expect you to give them details of everything that you are doing.

Faran Niaz:
I am a single father, and if you look at my daughter, she is extremely modern, yet well-mannered. The only thing I’ve told her is: “Baby, I trust you. But if I find you doing anything that will break my trust, you will be in trouble.” She actually asked me: “What will you do?” And I told her that I may take away some of the privileges that she has.

Ritu Chawla-Ray:
I think educational institutions play a negligible role in inculcating values, the emphasis is a lot on one’s parents.

Sajini Antony:
What we need to understand is that children today are facing a lot more peer pressure than we did. Technology is playing a huge role. You have the internet, the [smartphone] — and that’s a big chunk of a child’s life.

Faran Niaz:
I am honestly not sure how I would handle it, if the topic does come up. My daughter is growing up and sometimes it becomes difficult for me to talk to her about things like fixing her dress. So, sometimes I actually go and ask our househelp to tell her about it. If I have to talk to her I have to find a way in which she doesn’t get offended — that’s important. I watch shows like Hannah Montana and Selena with my daughter. And I really like the fact that they do send the right message. For example, if the boy tries to get too close to Hannah Montana, she does push him back.

Swati Basu:
You know teenage is a beautiful stage. You just have to teach your child that physical development is part of growth, just love yourself and take care of yourself. There are lots of things — like you don’t have to stoop down or you have to walk straight. It’s not about worrying about pimples.

Ritu Chawla-Ray:
It’s about teaching them the right attitude, building their self-esteem and self image.

Sajini Antony:
When we talk about the high rate of teenage pregnancies [globally], it is not just about sex education, but actually building on family values.

Ritu Chawla-Ray:
It has to do with how your parenting has been throughout [a child’s life]. My parents have been very friendly with me and I could talk about anything to them. My confidence comes from them.

Faran Niaz:
I’ll give you an example: We were watching TV in my sister’s home and all of a sudden a kissing scene came up. My sister started looking around frantically for the remote control. Her husband actually stopped her and said that the scene would have just come and gone [if she hadn’t panicked] but now the children were curious. I once changed the channel when such a scene came up and my daughter asked me [teasingly]: “Why did you change the channel?” That’s when I realised: how many times am I going to turn off the TV?

Arfah Shahid:
You can always express your disdain for something. My parents actually did change the channel when such scenes came up, but they also spoke about it [and said] that it is something that is unacceptable in our society.

Anamika Chaudhry:
I guess as and when the question arises, [you have to talk to them]. I am not going to push them towards the topic, because then one question would lead to another. I know that I will be looking for the signs.

Sajini Antony:
My daughter is eight, and two years ago I was driving along the highway and I almost screeched to a stop when she suddenly asked me, “Where do babies come from?” I had to give her a reasonable answer, so I actually started with, “When God wills it …” Then I went on to talk a bit about it, and at the end I asked her, “Why are you asking me the question”, because I wanted to know where she’s coming from. She told me about a family tree they were doing at school, and there was a family which sent a picture of a foetus scan as they were expecting a baby. That’s when I relaxed a bit.

Arfah Shahid:
It is sort of accusatory to say that a person is not innocent as they haven’t done anything wrong. Your definition of innocence is very important. Just because our generation is much more informed, we are more aware, it is not our fault. There is a lot of information, which makes us quite mature and able to take many more good decisions.

Anamika Chaudhry:
But in this generation there are many more teenage pregnancies, so where is the innocence?

Arfah Shahid:
That’s because parents are presuming the teenagers know everything and don’t talk about it to their children. If you do not have an open relationship with your children, they will not trust you and find the information in the wrong way. If I go to my mum with a question, she won’t get angry or upset. She will give me an answer based on religious texts or our culture.

Sajini Antony:
I think we’re just seeing much more awareness — and yes, it does seem to be wearing off on the teenagers. Innocence does seem to have a shorter shelf life.

Faran Niaz:
I think in most of the cases, for me, teenagers have lost the respect they get from their elders.

Swati Basu:
What was considered innocence in our time was actually ignorance, because people took advantage of it. Children today are very aware, which is good.

Conclusion