Social etiquette is a tricky business. What’s acceptable to one might be offensive to another, but there are some situations that are awkward, no matter the place or time. Gulf News readers came together in this month’s live debate to talk about their idea of acceptable social behaviour. With three awkward situations given to them, they made sense of culture, context and social perceptions to walk the tightrope of social etiquette. Do you handle awkward social situations well? What would you do if you found yourself in their places?
Situation 1: Men in lingerie stores
Steven Jacobi
I don’t think it is necessarily inappropriate, it depends on context and also the way in which the man conducts himself, not only around the garments but also the women. I don’t think men in lingerie stores is a bad thing. Well I guess just ‘hanging around’ is bad, but I don’t think going there is wrong. But if you go to a lingerie store and there are 10 women there [all veiled], I would feel: “You know what, I don’t think I should be here.” But if there is a sprinkling of nationalities, it would be different.
Sana Quadri
I agree, I don’t think it is necessarily an inappropriate thing. Keeping in mind my [cultural] background, I wouldn’t consider it outright offensive, but I would feel some discomfort or inconvenience moving around if I see too many couples around. But yes, I would agree that the conduct of the gentleman would matter. It would definitely be inappropriate for men to linger around for too long — keep it as fast as possible, and avoid making too many comments, because the lingerie section is quite isolated and you can hear people more clearly. I don’t think I’ve gone even once without spotting a couple, and yes, if I see a couple approaching I move out of the section. But I’ve never come across men by themselves in the section. That would be strange.
Steven Jacobi
There may be men there who may be interested in design or material or textiles, but I would think men [alone] in a lingerie department must have good reason. If they are [simply present] there and spending time there, then I suspect they do not have a very good reason.
Sunil Chawla
I would not agree with Steven. When I was in the US, I would go into a lingerie store to pick something up for my wife, and that doesn’t mean I have any strange reason to be there. Of course, I used to feel embarrassed there as well. Having said that it is embarrassing for women, especially from the [Eastern] part of the world. And the sections [should be] monitored. I even feel embarrassed going into [sports] stores which have only curtains to draw in changing rooms. And if there are two women who have gone inside I actually move away from the changing room.
Steven Jacobi
That’s the thing about public places, which aren’t really ‘public’ and gender-specific ... there are unwritten rules about them. When I was in Germany I wasn’t really comfortable because women were often attendants in men’s public toilets. And that was a bit awkward. So, I suspect there are public spaces which women might feel embarrassed to go into because of the presence of men.
Arfah Shahid Siddiqui
I have a different view on it. I don’t know if it has something to do with my generation, but I think times are changing and everyone’s adapting [to it]. Especially here, where it is a bit more cosmopolitan, people are getting accustomed to it. Yes, there is this initial discomfort where it is awkward to go into a lingerie store because there are men there even though they are with their wives. They might not even be looking at you but you feel like they are looking at you because you are feeling insecure. But at the same time I feel that now I am a bit more accustomed to it, because you know that they are going to be there and you can hardly do anything about it. So, if you don’t pay attention to them, do what you have to do, I think it should be fine. Even in a supermarket personal hygiene section there might be men. Initially I used to feel very uncomfortable and didn’t even go then. I used to send my mother. But then I realised that I can just go and do this [myself]. We’ve become used to it because it is part of the society that we are growing up in.
Situation 2: Insisting on getting small change at a supermarket counter
Sunil Chawla
Let’s look at it this way: If you are 25 fils short and don’t have the change, what would the supermarket do? If thrice the supermarket is short on 25 fils, they won’t give it to you. But if the fourth time, you are short on 25 fils, they won’t let you go. They will still insist on [getting the money]. So, I think it is only your right [to insist on getting the money].
Steven Jacobi
I don’t think I would insist on the change. I would let 25 fils go, because, I mean, it is such a small amount of money. Life’s too short to worry about it. Also, I feel that people who work at cash registers have got quite a [difficult] job. Actually, I would like to think that I am above money, but I’m not. And would I still let it go if it was Dh5? No.
Sana Quadri
If I am feeling generous [I would let it go]. I travel in taxis day in and day out and it is very difficult to have the exact change. So, I would even give more to the taxi driver. And even if someone presumed that I didn’t want the money back, I wouldn’t insist on it. I would let it go. But I don’t come across this very often.
Sunil Chawla
I wouldn’t let it go. I’ve come a long way in life and earn very well. But I feel it is for me to say: “Okay, you can keep it.” And if I have to leave something with somebody, I’d rather add on to it. So, if I do hire a taxi, I give them a [generous] tip, because they work hard for their family that lives miles from here. But if it came to a teller who wouldn’t give me the change, I would insist on it.
Steven Jacobi
I think you are absolutely right, because money is money. There is no other dimension to it. I’m trying to [bring] a psychological or moral dimension, which it doesn’t really have of course. I haven’t really thought this through, but I may be trying to get some kind of a psychological kick out of the fact that I am not getting angry about a small amount of money.
Arfah Shahid Siddiqui
I am a college student, so I do have a very limited budget and very limited amount of money that I can afford to let go. But having said that, this for me is an issue of right, not about being generous. It is a different story [whether] I decide to take it or give it, and even if I do decide to take it, it doesn’t make me a ‘bad person’. It is my money and my right. If someone owes me 25 fils, I can let it go. But, once I feel that I am being taken for granted, I won’t like it. To ask for change is something that people shy away from, and I don’t think that should happen.
Sunil Chawla
When you let the small change go, you are actually not letting ‘your change’ or ‘your right’ go, you are actually spoiling the person who is sitting in front of you and indulging in an act which will allow the person to take the small change from others.
Situation 3: Loudly disciplining your children in public
Steven Jacobi
It is awful in all kinds of ways because it suggests that you’ve lost control. And also you kind of embarrass your child. I’ve probably lost my temper once or twice at my children and I’ve felt terrible about it. Not just for them, but also ashamed myself. I remember as a child, my mum did publicly sort of humiliate me sometimes, and it is those times that I remember more than the other times - kind of seared in my memory.
Arfah Shahid Siddiqui
I think the idea is not to humiliate the child, but to make them realise that what they’ve done is unacceptable. So, the child should be a bit embarrassed and ashamed about what he/she has done, but not feel so humiliated or embarrassed that it affects his/her confidence. I see some parents slapping their children in public, and I think what happens to the children is that they turn out to be very rebellious - it just stops taking effect on them. And when they grow up, they are very rash and rude, because that’s what they’ve grown up seeing. Never scream.
Steven Jacobi
I think if you have children, you’ll realise that every day you make mistakes. You might hold cherished principles [about how to discipline children] but you are almost invariably going to make a fool of yourself and do something that you are going to regret. Also, there are beliefs and principles on one side and reality on the other. And you’ve just got to make sure that the mismatch isn’t too great.
Sunil Chawla
I firmly believe that if you spare the rod you spoil the child. I have a daughter who is very docile, and yes I have disciplined her but never in public. You know most parents have a pet name for their child and then there is the official name. So, over time [children] realise that when you take their official name instead of their pet name, there’s something going on. I know that it is more difficult with boys, as they don’t listen. And that is when parents get embarrassed. But there’s always an easy way to handle the situation.
Sana Quadri
I think place should never be a criteria when you decide to discipline your children. But, yes, if you are disciplining your children in public it can be as discreet as you want it to be. Children do get into fits of anger and then it becomes incumbent on the parents to probably use physical force. Others should really not judge, but parents on their part should try to avoid it. But I also don’t think parents should ignore their child if he/she is misbehaving.
Steven Jacobi
Even though I wouldn’t want to scream at my child, it has happened once or twice, but I would try not to do it again. Before you have a child, you have this idea that you would never do something. But as soon the child is born and starts to develop into a person, all the rules go out the window. It is like juggling, isn’t it?
Sunil Chawla
Yes, you would never want to do something, but when push comes to shove, you do end up losing your temper. Of course, disciplining them by screaming at them [in public is unacceptable], because you’re making an embarrassment of yourself.
