We had not heard of the term ‘prioritise’ some two decades ago. Or if we had, we just ignored it and went ahead with our busy lives, arranging and re-arranging schedules according to the need of the moment. We didn’t think of long-term goals and short-term goals; we didn’t question where we wanted to be a decade later. We just wanted to get through the day as best we could.

As multi-tasking mums, we were rushed off our feet with the requirements of our ‘work’, the attractions of our ‘play’ and the demands of our home and its inmates. Purely by instinct, without giving much thought to what just had to be done immediately and what could be shelved for the moment, we addressed the tasks before us one by one. And so we prioritised without using that word and without questioning what our priorities were — since it was right there staring us in the face: The family.

We rarely agonised over the tasks that were put off and kept aside for a later date because we knew intuitively that they could remain on the back burner without everything going up in flames — they could probably even be forgotten completely without overturning our world and that of our children.

Thus we often put aside invitations to parties, picnics and outings. We skipped our aerobics class or our introduction to yoga to accompany someone for a medical check-up or sit beside a sick bed. “It is only one party, one get-together, one class,” we told ourselves. “There will be others. There will be time to get a handle on our fitness levels. But for this friend or this family member, we cannot say, ‘I’ll be there next time ...’ This is the time they need us.”

Wasted pleasures

Somehow, putting our pleasures — however small and insignificant — aside for a later date became a habit. And very soon, both family and friends began to believe that those pleasures were wasted on us. “You don’t like going out anyway, so stay behind and keep an eye on your children and ours / the ailing pet / the elderly parent ...” This was usually accompanied by an attempt at justification: “The hosts will never forgive us if WE are not there ...” Of course, we gaped in wonder, too surprised to say anything. Because the same ‘hosts’ who would never forgive them for their absence would surely wonder about ours — or had everyone already acknowledged that our priorities were beyond understanding?

We understood pretty soon that putting someone else’s problems before our pleasure did not work in our favour then — or ever.

Because, as we prioritise instinctively and give importance to someone else over ourselves, it is highly likely that we will be treated as someone who really has nothing valuable to do with their time: Low on the food chain, our work nonexistent and our lives unimportant. It could not possibly be that it is innate good nature that makes us give priority to that someone else, whoever it may be ...

And so we have gone through a couple of decades with just a few good friends who truly understand and care and think that we are doing something wonderful when we are doing it for them; the rest just think that they are wonderful, so wonderful that their lives have more value than ours ...

Therefore, better late than never, treat this as a general warning: Do not try this at home or with friends or acquaintances. It could be habit-forming. And you could actually lose all sense of priority ... which, the new world will tell you, begins with yourself.

Cheryl Rao is a journalist based in India.