Does absence make the heart grow fonder?

A study reveals that the secret to a happy marriage could be as simple as living apart. Apparently, distance lends enchantment. But some disagree and say that the relationship thrives because it isn’t tested by the nitty-gritty of living with somebody on a daily basis.

There might even be some sceptics who believe that the heart is apt to wander during a prolonged absence. But that’s another story.

Having a father in the army, we were used to him being away for long periods of time. So, each time he came home, he was greeted rapturously by us all. But I don’t think my mother ever thought she was happier without him. They missed each other and wrote to each other every single day of the week in the days of snail mail. Around noon, when the postman usually knocked, she could be seen sitting in the balcony awaiting his arrival. The precious missives were taken to the bedroom to be read over and over again. Her mood was dependent on the arrival of the mail carrier. The days he didn’t stop at our gate were dark indeed for her.

In the UAE, there are many couples who live apart. It isn’t a matter of choice for them, but one of expedience. A friend who lives apart from her husband speaks of the toll it takes on their relationship. They can’t even plan a family because their living apart would make bringing up a child difficult. They meet at weekends. By the time he reaches home, he isn’t in the best of moods and definitely not up to taking her out anywhere. All he wants to do is stay at home while she has been looking forward to his coming home and even made plans for the evening. So, she stifles any criticism or hurt she might be tempted to express. This way, she says, they rarely argue or fight as each tries to accommodate and make allowances for the other.

There are a host of others who simply cannot afford to keep their families here as well as save for the future. So they make the ultimate sacrifice. The wife and children stay in their home country, while the breadwinner lives here to give them all the comforts that he probably couldn’t afford if he stayed with them.

I know from experience that distance does lend enchantment. Whenever a sibling went away to boarding school or university, it was amazing how one began to miss the person who made your life a misery with constant teasing. As soon as the person was out of sight, he or she was never out of mind and you even began to miss the harassment although you were loath to admit it. In their absence, you suddenly discovered their sterling qualities and, although you would never dream of telling them this, you would do things like writing to them often and waiting for communication from them. Even parents tended to go soft and reminisce about things that the missing person said or did which, in retrospect, seemed so endearing.

When they came home on holiday, you were even foolishly moved to incredible feats of unselfishness such as letting them have their way in planning games or outings and even (oh silly, silly me) offering them books or a stamp collection that they had had their eye on for long.

The ideal arrangement for couples would perhaps be periods of separation interspersed with reunions, which would help them appreciate each other and be more willing to make compromises.

Of course there are some couples who lead separate lives even while living together. It is a matter of choice, not compulsion. Maybe they have found the key to conjugal harmony.