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The vows we could make
It seems that relationships have gone to another level, with celebrities busy reaffirming their commitment within just a few years of making it, renewing vows and in general making all of us who live humdrum everyday lives feel that we're missing out on the romance of the hour.
- By Cheryl Rao, Special to Gulf News
- Published: 23:19 January 3, 2009
It seems that relationships have gone to another level, with celebrities busy reaffirming their commitment within just a few years of making it, renewing vows and in general making all of us who live humdrum everyday lives feel that we're missing out on the romance of the hour.
Maybe it would be nice to hear one's life partner declare before the world just how much one means to him or her. Maybe, after a long day's commute it would be just the pick-me-up one needs to hear a sweet something whispered in one's ear - it could be largely false, but wouldn't it be great to hear a line from your favourite song, an affirmation of affection, or a tender thank you for the little extra in the lunch box - anything to set the spirit soaring.
A recent Edinburgh study reports that watching romantic comedies on film can ruin love lives because fans of rom-coms yearn for a perfect relationship. They have unrealistic expectations and often fail to communicate and imagine that their partners should understand what they want without their saying so.
Most of us make that mistake - sulk around the house over imagined slights and have the other person wondering what was said or done. Why do we ordinary people who live ordinary humdrum lives think that romance exists only within the pages of a book or on the silver screen? Even amidst our ordinary everyday thoughts and deeds, there is so much that could make this long journey of intertwined lives a pleasurable experience or at least one not so fraught with the 'should have beens' and the 'should have dones'!
So why not go beyond the usual 'to love and to cherish, in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer' vows and get down to the nitty gritty of sustaining happiness when everyday irritations pile up; when you just don't feel like cooking and have six guests for dinner, when you want to laze on a weekend with the newspaper and the football match on television and have to show an interest in the soap that reduces your partner to tears.
There are no guarantees that the promises will work: they haven't been tried, but maybe they need to be!
Sense of humour
I promise when you're cranky for no reason, I won't be cranky too. I'll try and build a sense of humour like an invisible wall that blocks all the barbs and slings thrown in the heat of the moment. I'll open my eyes to your tired slouch instead of eyeing the dust on the sideboard. I'll put back what I moved to the place it's meant to be so that you don't have to. I won't mess with gadgets I can't handle, I won't delete your files from the computer or your photographs from the mobile phone. I won't use the mixer with the lid off - and I'll clean up my own mess when I create it!
I promise to be patient when explaining how ordinary things work to a tech-challenged spouse and I promise to request help patiently (even if it's for the nine millionth time) and not demand it from the chore-chary who imagine that daily cleaning is the invention of an idle housewife and not a necessity!
Most of all, I promise to keep my opinion of your family to myself because even when we have spent more years together than we've spent with them and technically we're our own family, their behaviour reflects on us - and my criticism of it seems like a slur on you!
I could not have got it all: we need to make adjustments to deal with the situation as it presents itself, but the end for all is not to expect the perfect partner but to become the right partner.
A lifetime's work - but something worth doing.
Cheryl Rao is a journalist based in India.
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