A few years back there was a character on American television advertising known as "Crazy Eddie". Shouting at the top of his voice, he would offer something, usually a gadget of doubtful utility, for sale at a ridiculously low price.
Having presumably attracted the attention of viewers, he would announce that he was also offering a "free gift" for every item purchased. Shouting "and this is not all," Crazy Eddie would then add "free gift" to "free gift" until he needed a wheelbarrow to carry all the gadgets he was giving away for the purchase of a single item. His motto seemed to be: I sell, therefore, I am!
Reading statements made by the ambassadors of the major Western powers at the United Nations the other day, one could not help remembering "Crazy Eddie". The diplomats were speaking after a Security Council session that approved a new resolution, imposing further sanctions on Iran.
The British ambassador spoke of "the numerous advantages" that Iran could reap by complying with Security Council resolutions aimed at ending the crisis over Tehran's nuclear programme.
His French colleague was even more generous.
All that the mullahs had to do was stop enriching uranium to be rewarded with "access to the latest technology".
However, the US Ambassador Zalmay Khalilzad came closest to the "Crazy Eddie" image. "The package of incentives includes active international support to build state of the art light water power reactors and access to reliable nuclear fuel," he promised. Iran would also receive spare parts for its ageing US-made jetliners, credit facilities through the World Bank, membership of the World Trade Oganisation, and a lifting of the ban on Iranian exports.
However, as "Crazy Eddie" used to say, that was not all.
A day later, Khalilzad offered other "free gifts" in an op-ed published by the Wall Street Journal.
"We call on Iran to engage in constructive negotiations over the future of the nuclear programme," the ambassador wrote. "Such negotiations, if successful, would have profound benefits for Iran and the Iranian people. The message from the US to the people of Iran is that America respects your great country. We want Iran to be a full partner in the international community."
Having piled on "free gifts", Khalilzad threw in the clincher: "If Iran respects its international obligations, it will have no better friend than the United States of America."
Number-one power
The trouble is that the diplomats, and their political masters, ignore the fact that the "Crazy Eddie" technique does not work when dealing with the Khomeinist mythology.
Iran resents being treated like a naughty boy who is promised cookies in exchange for better behaviour.
A day after the Security Council passed its third resolution, Ahmadinejad told a crowd in Tehran that the Islamic Republic "as everyone knows today, is the world's number-one power". He spoke of the Khomeinist revolution's mission to offer mankind an alternative to the global system dominated by the American "Great Satan."
The following day it was the turn of General Mohammad Ali Jaafari, Commander of the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps (IRGC) to pour scorn on the West's "Crazy Eddie" approach.
"Our revolution has not yet ended," he told fellow officers. "Our Imam did not limit the movement of the Islamic Revolution to this country, but drew greater horizons..."
The current radical leadership in Tehran is determined to change the future of mankind. Only "Crazy Eddie" would think that Ahmadinejad and Jaafari could be bribed with spare parts for Boeings or "state of the art power stations".
The diplomats do not know that the concept of "khod-kafai" (autarchy or self-reliance) is a central plank of Ahmadinejad's vision. It was in the name of "khod-kafai" that he ordered the resumption of uranium enrichment almost three years ago.
Khalilzad's biggest "free gift" was the prospect of Iran and the United States becoming "best friends."
However, this is exactly what the mullahs, led by Khomeini, revolted against in 1979. The mullahs and their Communist allies hated the Shah precisely because he had made Iran and the US best friends. The Khomeinists raided the US embassy in Tehran and seized its' diplomats hostage in 1979 to kill that friendship.
'Permanent revolution'
Over the past 28 years, the Islamic Republic has occasionally flirted with the idea of "revolution in one country", most recently under President Mohammad Khatami, a mid-ranking mullah who engaged in secret talks with the Clinton administration. In the final analysis, however, Iran has always reverted to the concept of "permanent revolution".
Ahmadinejad makes no secret of his ambition to drive the United States out of the Middle East, replacing America's influence with Iran's in the name of Islam.
He is likely to interpret the "Crazy Eddie" tactics of the West as a sign of weakness and a vindication of his claim that "punching them in the face" is more productive than shaking their hands.
The International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) referred Iran to the UN Security Council because Tehran had violated the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty (NPT). The council found Tehran guilty as charged and yet stopped short of decreeing effective punitive measures.
A rap on the knuckle could not persuade Ahmadinejad to abandon his self-set mission to save the world from American domination.
The real issue is who will shape the future of the Middle East, the US or Iran, or, as some naïve souls hope, both in partnership.
Khalilzad can make only three offers to Tehran:
First, the US, determined to reshape the Middle East under its leadership in partnership with its allies, would crush any attempt by Iran to do mischief. The Khomeinists have the option of abandoning their revolution and falling in line behind the US.
Second: Divide the region in a mini-Yalta deal, granting Iran its sphere of influence, and fighting a mini Cold War.
Third: The US has no stomach for a fight and, as Ahmadinejad hopes, will be running away as soon as there is new man tenant at the White House.
Amir Taheri is an Iranian author based in Europe.
