I was amused to hear a 32-year-old man express surprise and dismay at being addressed as ‘uncle' by a young woman a mere ten years younger than him. It was perfectly acceptable being addressed as such by his young son's friends but it seemed slightly ridiculous to be treated as someone in the same age group as her father.

But this is one of those customs in India which is hard to explain logically to someone from the west.

It is considered perfectly natural to address the friends of parents, or the parents of friends, as ‘uncle' and ‘aunty'. Calling them by name is out of the question and resorting to the less familiar ‘Mr Shah' or ‘Mrs Sinha' seems much too formal.

Sometimes this practice can be awkward for a young woman. Till the day she is married, she is either called by her first name or with a tag attached to her moniker such as ‘didi' or ‘aapa' which is how older sisters are referred to. So, it seems strange to suddenly be promoted to the status of ‘aunt' just because one is married. I remember a young army officer's wife who must have been just a few years older than my oldest sibling and yet we were expected to call her ‘aunty' although her gauche ways made this seem rather absurd.

Perhaps ‘respectful' is the word I need to explain this tradition. It all boils down to this. One would be told off as a child if one didn't use the proper form of address.

In every Indian language there are specific terms for different relationships. So, one can distinguish between a father's sister and a mother's sibling. Plus there are definitive terms for a paternal uncle's wife, a brother in law, a daughter in law and so on. This made identification simpler in the joint family system.

It is common to hear someone speak of their cousin brother or sister. While this usage may sound strange to a westerner's ears, the juxtaposition of the two holds a world of meaning. In many families, cousins are often considered as close as one's own brother or sister. So, you have an only child referring to the antics of her brother much to the amazement of a new acquaintance who wonders if the friend had been lying all along about her single status. A little while later realisation dawns as some more ‘siblings' are introduced into the conversation.

I used to question the free use of relationship words which were not strictly true, only for my reservations to be dismissed as a fruitless semantic exercise. Instead of starting a civilised debate on the correctness of such terms, I was reminded that just because I hadn't met most of my cousins for years (which happened to be true) it didn't mean I should deny others their closeness. That's when I sat down and tried to imagine a scenario of living in close proximity to a tribe of cousins. It was an image that refused to form in my mind as I tried to recall the features of some whom I last met ten years ago. Failure to recall any distinguishing facial characteristics, I ended up feeling sorry for myself and wishing my father had a job which didn't involve moving from one end of the country to the other every couple of years or so. Forget relatives, making long-time friends is just as hard, I told myself as I wallowed in self-pity.

And then my opportunity came at last. On a rare trip to Shillong, my mother's hometown, I learnt that each of my aunts and uncles had specific terms by which they were to be addressed. I couldn't stop beaming from ear to ear.