I hate flying. Everything about it, from the plastic-tasting food that I have to buy, taking off my belt at security and now Airbus is planning pilot-less planes.

How much worse can it get? It is already getting more and more frustrating trying to fly nowadays what with pilots’ strikes, being jam-packed like cattle and having to sit scrunched up with your knees up your nose, and with pollution that creates thick smog forcing the pilot to land somewhere other than your destination.

But I still like the bit where the pilot comes on the public-address system to say that we are cruising at 35,000 feet and to thank everyone for flying with his airline and to enjoy the rest of the flight. It is reassuring that someone is flying this thing, even though I invariably get to read a report just before boarding my flight about a pilot sleeping and missing the arrival destination by kilometres. How does the airline write a PR (Public Relations) release about this incident, anyway? (We are looking into this incident? This airline is committed to the safety and security of its passengers and at no point of the flight was anyone endangered?).

Where was the co-pilot who is supposed to take charge when the pilot starts to doze off and snore? What was ground control doing when they saw the plane on radar going whizzing past them? I don’t care anything about that anyway because my primary concern is dealing with my fear of flying and the turbulence that is becoming more frequent because of climate change and all because of you lazy people who will not segregate your garbage into dry and wet waste.

One pilot has a suggestion about the fear of flying, the white knuckles, and if you are scared like me about the rattling, the swaying, the tense look on the cabin crew faces whenever you are passing through turbulence. “Clench your buttocks, release and again clench,” he says. “It will relax you.”

It’s like doing those Kegel Exercises to strengthen muscles that you did not even know you had. How do you know you are working up the correct muscles for this exercise that are supposed to give you more self-control? A doctor on Pinterest (I do not believe those so-called doctors and experts on Google) says to urinate and then stop the flow mid-way. The muscle stopping the flow is the one to work on. It is also called pelvic floor exercises and helps to control your bladder and you will not need to go to the toilet just when the plane is taking off or when landing.

Relieving tension

My friend who practises meditation and other stuff that helps anxious people relax, suggested that I take a deep breath, hold it and count slowly to six, and then release, all through the nostrils. The extra oxygen that gets to your brain is supposed to relieve tension.

So, while I am clenching and unclenching, breathing deeply and twiddling my toes inside my socks, a voice comes over the PA system: “This is your pilot-less plane speaking. Look, no hands! Ha-ha. Just joking, I always wanted to say that, but my makers had not incorporated a sense of humour. Another plane showed me how to bypass that. Hope you are enjoying your flight.”

“You have driverless buses, driverless cars, but for something that flies, that’s different,” says an aviation consultant.

But things are moving fast even as I am trying to keep up with technology and changing my mobile phone every year, there is news that Dubai will soon roll out pilot-less flying taxis or drones that you can call from your mobile phone. They come equipped with a parachute in case there is a glitch in the fail-safe procedures.

Mahmood Saberi is a storyteller and blogger based in Bengaluru, India. You can follow him on Twitter @mahmood_saberi.