The world over, everyone seems to be mulling over freedom of expression. While the debate goes on about how much or how far we can or should go — and why or why not — don’t you often think about the right to free speech as you encounter it in your everyday circuit?

Many of us pride ourselves on being frank and outspoken. We are not advocates of sugar-coating and unnecessary diplomacy, especially when career choices and important decisions have to be made by close friends and family. But do we have to hand out all those unnecessary cutting remarks as freely as we do?

Don’t you find yourself felled by tactless put-downs and ‘saying it like it is’ more frequently than you think is warranted? And don’t you wonder why the basic message of the comment cannot be said with an ounce of sensitivity and kindness — and perhaps a ton of goodwill? For those of us who habitually come up with caustic observations, it is like tossing a coin and deciding which side we are going to use when it comes to expressing ourselves: Do we want to say it like it is with no holds barred, or do we want to say it like we would like to hear it ourselves?

Do you remember the time you saw your walking companion at a party, looking stunning in a gown or sari or little black dress? You were taken aback because you have mostly seen that same person trundling through the roads of your neighbourhood in a mismatched track suit and running shoes and it had taken you a moment or two to even recognise her. So, do you go up and say sarcastically, “My, my — all dressed up and colour-coordinated! I didn’t recognise you without your sweaty uniform ...” or do you instead extend a big-hearted compliment on the lines of “You’re looking good/great/gorgeous ...” without any reference to the track suit at all?

Simple and sincere

All too frequently, we opt for the derisive tone, the disparaging put-down, the “I’m-better-than-you-are” implication.

I have often wondered why this happens. Why do we say, “Oh? All smug and self-satisfied now that your children/grandchildren are visiting ...” when we could settle for a simple and sincere, “You must be so happy your children/grandchildren are visiting ...”

Perhaps it has a lot to do with whether we like the person concerned or not — though some will insist until they are blue in the face that they make those remarks because they care about you and are concerned about your dress sense, your food sense, your good sense ... and a lot of other nonsense.

Of course, most often the recipients of cutting remarks understand that they are being delivered a disdainful ‘put-down’ — whether or not you want to credit them with that perspicacity. Some of them are quick enough with words to deliver their own instant backhand to you: As good as they got, or even better. And naturally you are taken aback, wondering what got into them and why they are rocking a perfectly stable boat where you have always had the upper hand – or the better word.

Some ‘save up’ the comment and regurgitate it at an opportune moment to remind you how your idea of free speech can come back to bite you. Some follow the adage, ‘When a donkey brays at you, don’t bray at the donkey ...’ and keep their peace, lulling you into a feeling of anything goes with them.

And many just cringe with embarrassment or wilt with hurt. Maybe along with free speech, free advice and free criticism, we could think about some free kindness and self-censorship as the other side of the coin.

Cheryl Rao is a freelance journalist based in India.