I need an ‘anger translator’ like the one US Presdient Barack Obama brought to the White House Correspondents dinner who told the press what the president was actually thinking.
In case you missed it Obama invites Luther on to the stage, a character from a TV sketch comedy show, who “translates” what the president really means when he is otherwise politely speaking on issues close to his heart.
The president starts by saying that he is a mellow sort of a fellow and what the press says does not really bother him. Luther, with his wide-eyed crazy stare, chips in and shouts about CNN’s ridiculous and breathless coverage of Ebola, where “everyone was surely going to die”, and how the press then suddenly moved on to something else.
As the duo carry on in this manner about various issues, suddenly Obama supposedly loses his cool over climate change deniers and calls their way of thinking “stupid”. Here, Luther who is surprised at this sudden turn as it is his job to be angry, cuts in and says that the Obama does not need an anger translator but a counsellor, and slowly slips away from the stage, to laughter from the audience.
Some of my friends and people who I know think there is something wrong with me as I am never angry. “You are the calmest journalist I ever met,” said one editor, biting his fingernails. I did not know whether to take that as a compliment or an insult because there is no such thing as being calm in our profession.
A journalist is usually panic-stricken or livid, furious and angry over something, such as his or her sources, the editors, PR professionals, bureaucrats, weather, food and at times his or her colleagues.
Calm demeanour
“I am not calm,” I objected. “I am shaking with fury inside,” I told the editor. Actually, I have an anger translator inside me and this ‘Luther’ is very angry and says the nastiest things to people I do not like. But the problem is that the person who Luther swears at never really hears him.
That is why maybe my friend said, “let me drive,” the other day. He must have been scared that my calm demeanour could lead to an accident. “This highway needs a lot of swearing,” he said, and as we changed seats, he started an invective at his fellow road users that was even more soothing to the ears than the music on the car’s sound system.
Psychologists say that it is much better to use “silly humour” to help calm down. According to the American Psychological Association, when you are mad at your co-worker, for instance, and call him a “dirt bag” or a “single-cell life form”, picture a large bag of dirt or an amoeba sitting at your colleague’s desk.
Humour can defuse an ugly situation, say the psychologists. The reason why I bring up this anger issue is that it is now summer and it is hot and everything starts to irritate me.
Especially people who say silly things like, “It is a hot day today”. For people like these all I can say is, “Dude, you are living in a desert, what do you expect?” Or the time my mechanic, whom I had paid a bundle of cash to fix a leak, said I was imagining things when I went back to him the next day and told him there was a big puddle of oil under the car in the morning.
I then realised that I can take my wife to places like my garage, or to the landlord’s office. She can definitely act as my anger translator as she does not believe in wasting time and using humour, but instead says things exactly like they are.
Mahmood Saberi is a freelance journalist based in Dubai.
