George Orwell wrote: “We have now sunk to a depth at which the restatement of the obvious is the first duty of intelligent men.” He was talking about politics, but it also applies to domestic life, where it is terrifyingly easy to lose grasp of the basics — to cease to see the wood for the trees. Here, I’m going to try to state what, to me at least, are the most simple and enduring truths about living as part of a family.

First, and perhaps most easily forgotten as a parent, you are less powerful than you think you are. Children are not blank slates. They arrive with a number of genetic proclivities and if these are strong enough, they are likely to come out — whatever you do, within limits, to suppress or encourage them (obviously, abuse can make a mess of anyone).

They are their own people, not your guinea pigs. They make their own decisions from a very early age — not only about how they behave, but also how they interpret events. One sibling may draw very different conclusions from exactly the same parental action as another. Which is not to suggest you throw your hands up and say, “Why bother trying then?” but to understand that whatever you do, it’s never anything better than your best guess and merely part of a wider process. Quite apart from the wild card of how your children process your behaviour, parental actions can have unpredictable consequences out there in the physical world. You may want them to take regular exercise and buy them a bike, but then find they get knocked off it and break a leg, or worse. So don’t waste your time beating yourself up when things go wrong — because sometimes they will, and you can’t stop it.

Natural justice

Don’t think you are investing in your children’s future. They are not an investment. They are an act of love. When you become a parent, nothing should be expected in return through the workings of natural justice. This giving — so long and so much — without any promise of reward isn’t easy. All too often I have felt that treacherous whinge tickling the back of my throat — “After all I’ve done for you!”. In response, your children will inform you that they didn’t ask to be born, and there is, I’m afraid to say, no answer to that.

That other element of family life — adult relationships — the dynamics are as oblique as those that exist between parents and children. In marriage, as in life generally, you are winging it all the time. Who knows why some unlikely couples thrive while others who are seemingly well-suited head for the divorce courts?

I would go only this far — if you can master the skills of respect and communication, you are on the best available path. Passion, “fun”, shared interests, even perhaps love itself must all take a second seat to these fundamentals. For love comes and goes, whereas respect and communication are enduring.

However, honest communication in a close adult relationship is often dauntingly complex given the inadequacies of language, the machinery of denial, the workings of the unconscious and the distortions of emotional need. And respect is not given easily, because it requires a critical measure of self-respect to offer it, even when it is due.

Family life is a shot in the dark. If you get it right — and everyone gets it right some of the time — the payoff is better than gold. Even if you get it wrong, it’s still far better than if you never had it at all. One could sum up my conclusions in the phrase “be realistic”, but that would imply that the reality is easily grasped. “Be a grown-up” is probably better advice. I only wish I were better at following it.

— Guardian News & Media Ltd

Tim Lott is a journalist and author. His latest book is Under the Same Stars.