Ask your future partner if he or she has any financial liabilities, if you wish for a happy married life, says an expert in an Indian newspaper.

Among the series of questions, you also need to ask is whether they would like children, and if yes, how many.

I am not sure when you are supposed to ask these questions, but if you are from a certain community from a state in the west of the country, and the bride has been chosen for you, then usually the boy’s side and the girl’s side meet in a public park and thrash out the details of the blessed union.

Girl’s aunt: “Oh, he is four-eyes, and walks like a duck. Can you imagine what the progeny would be like?”

Girl’s mother: “His father is the richest diamond merchant in the country. I will finally be able to go on a cruise to Disneyland.”

Girl’s father: “Very good. The children like each other, can we now decide on the dowry and which Bollywood movie star to hire to dance at the wedding?”

If you are a conservative couple, then you are not supposed to look at each other, let alone talk to each other. At the engagement ceremony, the first time you will look at your spouse-to-be is in a reflection in a mirror.

Boy’s father: “Is that the best you could find for our beloved son?”

Boy’s mother: “No, no, that is the reflection of the girl’s mother. They are still adjusting the mirror”.

The cleric who will solemnise the wedding: “Will there be mincemeat samosa and ‘qubani halwa’ at the reception.”

Boy: “Hmmm, wonder when she would start looking like her mother? Oh, Laila has sent me an SMS!”

Girl’s SMS: “Dude, sorry but I didn’t choose my weird parents. Your dad looks cute but a bit spaced out. Is it time for his tobacco betel leaf?”

Boy: “How many children do you want?”

Girl: “About half-a-dozen, and all should look just like you, my sweet prince.”

If you are from different castes and unfortunately fall in love and plan to elope then there will be absolutely no time to ask the questions the financial expert wants you to ask your future spouse.

Girl: “We need to hurry and catch the train out of this state. I know an NGO who will look after us and we will be safe.”

Boy: “I am sure I can reason with your brothers that we love each other and there should be no silly thing like caste or creed that should separate us.”

Girl: “My father goes and lies down in the sugar cane field in the night and howls and scares all the children in the village.”

Boy: “Do you have any financial liabilities I should know about?”

Girl: “Do you want your back whipped, let’s move, NOW! It is going to be dawn soon!”

The financial expert says that most professions today offer no retirement security, so you have to make arrangements for your own retirement.

Boy: “Darling, what are your retirement plans? Just asking, so that we can save enough to maintain our lifestyle after retirement?”

Girl: “What? What? What? Did I do anything wrong? Are you panicking?”

Boy: “We need to put our money in a unit-linked pension plan that lets us invest in a broad range of mutual funds.”

Girl: “It is your mother, isn’t it, she never did like me.”

Boy: “Mum is the only thing I have in this world.”

Girl: “Maybe you should buy her life insurance then, that allows her to invest in mutual funds.”

Mahmood Saberi is a storyteller and blogger based in Bengaluru, India. Twitter: @mahmood_saberi.