A Holiday that heals

I'm pretty sure that Norman Rockwell never imagined a Thanksgiving in which a 45-year-old woman and her 14-year-old twin sons climbed into an inner tube only to be sent hurtling down a water-driven tube on something aptly called the Howlin' Tornado.

But that's just what my family did for Thanksgiving this year, staggeringly the third since my husband and their father died of cancer.

Under the best of circumstances, holidays can be hard for families.

Unavoidable questions

Do you spend them with his family or yours? What if Aunt Millie asks again why you aren't remarried?

But for a family dealing with death, divorce or deployment, navigating the holidays can be quite a heartbreaking and exhausting task.

For parents, who must get themselves through and find a way to recreate the joy of the season for their kids, the idea of keeping traditions alive can be overwhelming.

Family gathering

A woman who had lost her husband eight months before Christmas was determined that that first holiday without him would be just like all the others. She prepared his favourite dishes for Christmas dinner, set the table exactly as they always had.

She did everything in her power to make it seem like a normal Christmas for herself, her children, her parents. Except that midway through the meal, the crushing reality of the one thing that wasn't in her power overwhelmed her, and she fled the table in tears.

The right mix

Finding the balance between the old and the new and keeping old traditions alive is the challenge that families in transition face at the holidays, says Cynthia Glass, a clinical social worker from suburban Washington.

She suggests that families should deal with the issue straight on before the full swirl of the holiday frenzy gets under way.

"Get the whole family together in a fun way. ... and ask everyone to think beforehand what the holidays mean this year. What's the good part? What's the hard part? What do you wish would happen this year?"

No one should be forced to talk, Glass advises. But everyone should be encouraged to acknowledge the loss as much as they feel comfortable.

The holidays can be particularly difficult for young children, who may wish that the season of miracles will bring Mum back or allow parents to live together happily again.

Adults do children no favour by allowing them to dream that the impossible will come true, Glass says. "You need to be honest with a child. Talk gently about it. Don't deny the feelings."

Unreal demands

But explain that some things, no matter how much we wish, just can't happen.

The holidays can also be a wonderful time for starting traditions that recognise the new family situation, Glass says.

As for our family's trip to Great Wolf Lodge in Williamsburg, Virginia, where we played in the water park, gorged ourselves on delicious food and laughed a great deal, Glass says that sometimes a change of scenery is just what a family needs to to come up with a new set of holiday rituals.