We've all been there - the thrill of finally being liberated from parental rule. The freedom to drink Pepsi for breakfast if you so wish, or to stay out until 3am without the fear of being grounded. Life will be one long summertime of fun, laughter and lie-ins - and after university, good opportunities will present themselves just because you are you.
Cue, Cat Stevens' 1970 classic Wild World: "Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world. It's hard to get by just upon a smile." And then a bit later, "But if you wanna leave, take good care. Hope you make a lot of nice friends out there. But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware."
As people who have long since left home - sometimes multiple times - parents know that, although heading off on your proverbial horse at the dawn of adulthood is undoubtedly exciting and empowering, it is also a journey jinxed with challenges and risks.
How will my child look after himself when I know for a fact that he wouldn't have made it through this last week - let alone the last 18 years - if I hadn't been his personal chef, chauffeur, career advisor, bank manager, life coach, personal assistant, relationships counsellor and internal voice of reason? He can't even make his own bed in the morning.
There is no doubt that most children heading off to university are ill equipped to look after themselves. This is even more the case for children growing up in the housemaid culture of the UAE, where their only experience of housework involves leaving a plate in the sink.
Michelle Qubrosi, 20, had lived in Dubai all of her life until she left home a year ago after taking a gap year to start university in England. She says that although she was looking forward to having to look after herself, the reality of being away from home took some getting used to.
She says, "I was very used to having my family to fall back on. Suddenly you don't have your safety net and you have to learn to pick yourself up when you are down - you can't rely on friends as they have their own lives to worry about. Also, many students take university as an opportunity to re-invent themselves, so there is a lot of deception going on. You meet someone and think they are great and then, a couple of months down the line, their true colours come out."
Michelle says that as well as the vulnerability of being away from your familiar surroundings and emotional comfort zone, you quickly have to learn how to look out for yourself physically, too. "Growing up in Dubai is like living in a bubble... there is no violence, you feel very safe, you don't come into contact with much nastiness. But in the UK, nothing is hidden and you aren't sheltered anymore. And at the same time, you are getting used to being responsible for all of your own needs at home. It can all be a bit daunting."
Whether your child has a week or three years left before he leaves home, there are valuable lessons, skills and tools you can equip him with to help him make like a Boy Scout and be prepared for what is ahead. Take a look at our guide to getting your child ready to live sans parents.
Coping with the emotional stuff
Dr Saliha Afridi is a clinical psychologist with a special interest in parenting at the Human Relations Institute Dubai (www.hridubai.com). She says that, during adolescent years, a person's identity is being formed. Here she gives us her top emotional tools to help your child look after himself emotionally, and protect himself from strong external influences.
>> Know thy self
"The best way to prevent your child from forming negative friendships is to help them to know their own values - what anchors and grounds them. If they are confident in their beliefs, they will attract like-minded people. If they are flailing around and don't know themselves and what is important to them, they will attract similar people. Encourage your child to discover what they like and don't like, what they feel is important and what isn't, what they want to be and what they don't want to be… This is done by creating a non-judgemental safe space in your relationship with them, so that they can explore their thoughts, feelings and behaviours without feeling judged and condemned."
>> Go underground
"Teach your child how to take a step back so that when the going gets tough, they automatically retreat into a quiet and meditative place where they can look inside themselves for the answer. The world is a noisy place - sometimes you need some peace and quiet to work something out."
>> Take the ups with the downs
"Let your child know that it is OK to feel sad, down, homesick… I have seen a lot of children and young adults fall into depression simply because they didn't want to admit to their families that they were struggling with something. If someone is scared to reach out for help and support, a trivial issue can eventually develop into something more serious."
>> Have a strong work ethic
"One of the most important gifts you can give your child is the value of hard work. It is important for children to be motivated to work hard, not out of fear or duty, but out of the desire to make a difference in whatever field they are in. Take the focus away from their grades or their report cards, and place it on how hard they have worked, have they done their best… in this way, the drive to work hard comes from the inside, rather than from the outside."
Looking after their health
Jan Brighting is a college nurse at Pembroke College, Cambridge University. With33 years in nursing and six years as a college nurse, Brighting is well versed in the health issues that strike when new students start university.
>> Stay fresh
"In the first few weeks, students tend to appear with Fresher's Flu, a mild and short lived flu-like illness, probably caused by a combination of mixing with a lot of new people, stress, late nights and too much partying. They usually just need some mothering, reassurance and some paracetamol and they're fine within 24 or 48 hours."
>> Take a health kit
"Chances are your child won't need the gauze bandages and sterile eye patches found in most first aid kits. But some basic over-the-counter medications, a thermometer, and some knowledge on how to treat themselves for minor illnesses would be useful. Other handy items include a hotwater bottle, which is very good for period pains and sore muscles, and a re-usable ice pack for headaches and sprains."
>> Deal with the pressure
"Around exam time, I see many students who are struggling to cope. Quite often their parents have put way too much pressure on them to achieve highly, which really doesn't help. The majority of students cope amazingly well and, without doubt, the students who come from stable and loving homes adapt and cope with stress more easily."
>> Have food basics
"We tend to mollycoddle our children, especially the boys. So many students arrive with absolutely no idea of how to cook a basic meal and how to do their grocery shopping on a budget. It would be good to give them a bit of training at home about how to eat healthily and cheaply, so that they can eat well on a student loan. The immune system is working overtime at the beginning of term as they are making a major transition from home to university and they are in contact with lots of people in confined areas, like dormitories, halls of residence and lecture theatres. Getting their five portions of fruit and vegetables a day can help keep the immune system strong, which will keep them healthy. I usually prescribe vitamin C tablets if they have colds or seem a bit run down - also some fresh air and exercise."
Becoming Domesticated
Second year student Michelle says that one of her friends didn't know how to wash dishes, wash clothes, iron or clean when he arrived at university - and that one of his friends had to be shown how to make a bed with fresh sheets and even how to use an ATM.
She says, "Cleaning and housekeeping doesn't come naturally to people who have grown up in the UAE. When you go to university and live with other people, you realise everyone has different standards of cleanliness and tidiness. Sharing chores - like cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, paying bills - is a massive issue in a shared house and it is time consuming. I sometimes feel as if I have spent all day cleaning and the house is still not clean." Get your child up to speed with home hygiene and basic housekeeping skills before they move out.
>> Be a clean freak
Make sure your child knows how to wash dishes, do laundry properly, clean a kitchen and a bathroom, and knows what cleaning products to use. If your child will be sharing a kitchen with lots of people, perhaps advise them to keep their cutlery and cooking utensils in their bedroom.
>> Have kitchen basics
Students often end up living on baked beans, instant noodles and toast. Teach them how to make three healthy, cheap meals that can be separated into portions and frozen.
>> Stay safe
Coming from the comfort zone of the UAE, many expat children have no experience with personal safety and security and may not be in the habit of locking doors and windows, keeping valuables out of sight and generally keeping their wits about them. Michelle says, "A friend's father told us to walk everywhere with purpose. He said that if you look like you are lost you will be a easy target for crime."
>> Pump your gas
Has your child ever pumped their own petrol or checked their engine's water? If not, now might be the time to give them a crash course in basic car maintenance.
Keeping their finances in check
Stefan Terry is a wealth manager at Globaleye, an international financial services provider (sterry@globaleye.com). He offers these tips for young adults who are leaving home to keep their finances in order and stop debt from spiralling out of control.
>> Make a plan
"Teach your child how to make a budget to plan their income and expenditure and make sure they are planning to spend less than they have available. Learning to live within your means is very important - it sets the foundations for budgeting later on in life and prevents against debt. A number of students find that, after graduating, they have loans or credit cards - or both - with high amounts of debt. They end up struggling to pay them off on a graduate's salary and have to sacrifice other things in life. By correctly controlling your spending at university, you can limit such scenarios. In addition, taking a moment every month to review your finances is a great way to keep on top of things."
>> Get working
"Encourage your child to get a part-time job. It is a great way to get experience, meet people, socialise and earn a little extra - and having less free time usually means spending less!"
>> Keep a close eye
"Make sure your child knows how to use their online banking system. Train them to monitor their statements to make sure they are sticking to their budget, that what has been spent matches what they expected to spend, and also to check for any fraudulent activities. Ensure they know that by making payments promptly they can avoid extra fees."
>> Shop wisely
"People tend to live for today, rather than think of the future. My advice would be for you to tell your child to do a little of both - before buying the bigger TV or heading out on a night out, they must ensure they can cover all their expenditure first. They must avoid taking on financial commitments and spending through wanting things rather than needing them. By saving a little today, in the future they will be able to splash a little without the debt attached. Teach them to shop around for the best savings or credit card deals. As well as checking the interest rate on credit cards, for example, they must look at the annual/monthly fees and operating costs. Also, make them aware they should take advantage of the abundance of student discounts, which range from retail to groceries to books. And they should always use cash and avoid credit cards as much as possible, unless in an emergency." A
How to let go
Your child isn't the only one having to make adjustments when they leave. As a parent, you too have to learn how to still be the loving, concerned, anxiety-ridden parent without acting like a far-off dictator. Here are some tips on how to nail the ‘supportive, yet not intrusive' parenting style.
- Let them learn their own way
"Despite all the good advice you may give them, they are away from parental control for the first time. Generally, they will want to take advantage of their newly found freedom. It is important to be there for your kids but to also have some faith in them and let them find their feet in their own way. It's natural for parents to worry, but be sure of the knowledge that the hard work and effort you have put in for the last 18 years will pay dividends. Learn how to be a good listener from a distance and to respect their right to make some mistakes along the way. Remember that teenagers have to experiment a bit in order to become adult - and that it may take a while," says Jan Brighting, college nurse at Pembroke College, Cambridge University.
- Let them be them
"Remember that identity is formed during adolescence and young adulthood, so this is a defining time for your child. With that in mind, be careful that the advice you give your child isn't based on how the world looks through your own eyes - allow your child to explore and learn about the world and life for themselves. There may be times when your child acts in a way that goes against what you taught them or against your family values. Instead of being critical, have a conversation about it and show faith in them by encouraging them to make the right decision the next time," says Dr Saliha Afridi, clinical psychologist at Human Relations Institute (www.hridubai.com).
- Maintain financial support
"Be aware of education costs - they are rising faster than inflation in some countries. There are not only course fees but books, accommodation, travel costs and leisure costs to consider. The best support a parent can give is to help with the fees associated with a student course. Student debt can take a long time to pay off and, without a helping hand to start off with, students can find that they are paying off student debts for years to come. This can have a knock-on effect on their disposable income, lifestyle and savings. Plan ahead by speaking to a qualified wealth manager about how to calculate potential costs, as well as what facilities there are to help save towards them," says Stefan Terry, wealth manager at Globaleye (sterry@globaleye.com)
